~~Star~~

this is the First part of my whole story...
and this is my First post here in YWS...
any comments are very much welcome, now i'm not really good in tenses, i find myself struggling a bit with that, so pls pay attention to that most of all... and of course to the story... hope i'll be hearing from you guys!


* * *


“I can help you”, the man lights his cigarette.

Tala wipes her tears with her hand & looked up at the tall, handsome American man with a flashy suit on. “I don’t do drugs!” she quickly says. The guy is a bit suspicious, who is he anyway & why is he offering help, she better be careful on this one.

With a stern look on his face, he looked down at the insulting woman who is dressed more like a gypsy than a tourist & calmly replied, “I did not say that.”

“I don’t prostitute either! Or kill people!” she continues, sobbing.

“Stop saying non sense things. And let me talk”, he said throwing his full cigarette away, obviously loosing his appetite for it. He faced her. “I saw you fighting with the consuls in there, it’s not that hard to figure you’re in a big trouble, are you not?”

The woman with her big teary eyes of course know what the suited-guy was talking about, she doesn’t want to remember any of those right now & she still have some immediate thinking to do to get herself out of this mess & she is in nowhere ready to be confronted by another immigrant officer, 3-5 of them is enough for one day. She stood up & left.

“I can offer you a visa!” the surprised man says.

She looks at him. And she looks at him again, this time she noticed his difference from all the man inside the immigration, unlike them he’s too good looking, unlike them he stands more confidently like he’s some kind of an important person & unlike them this one actually offers her the one thing she badly needed & almost got arrested for. A stupid freaking visa! And though he stands so confidently, he has this desperate look in his face, and if she were to compare, he’s almost as desperate as she is.

“You’re not an immigrant officer are you... what do you mean you can offer me a visa?” she asks expectantly.

He approached her, and her ears must be playing tricks on her because he heard him say, “I’ll marry you.” He said that like he‘s just saying, “I’ll help you” or “that direction” or “tourist are not allowed in that area”. He’s saying it like he’s just supposed to say it!

“What!?” she squealed.

“You heard me. I need a wife & you need a visa. It’s basically a balanced deal. What do you say?”

Things are getting out of hand, not long ago she’s been arguing with an officer, another one came to his assistance, she was thrown out the building because she throw a stapler to one of the officers arguing with her and almost got reported to the police for not leaving the building and now a strange man is offering her marriage.

“No! I don’t think so!” she refused, her mind made up.

“Think about it miss. How much time you’ve got before an immigrant officer caught you illegally staying here in the US?”

Before she could answer, a phone ringed. It’s his. He took it out from inside his jacket and raised one finger at her, motioning her to not talk. While he’s at it, she did think about what he said. The immigration gave her 5 days to prove her stay her legally, the very reason why the officers did not phoned the cops on her, they said, they’re being humane so they’ve given her a very limited 5 days to comply. But without any support of any kind, she’s as good as a deportee.

“That’s my people. I have to go. But the deal is still on, here’s my card, I’ll be needing your response ASAP.” He says, finalizing their conversation then he left. She look at the golden card, it shimmers “Andrew Bruce” on it, and at the foot of the card, his number. She doesn’t know what she’s going to do with it, she decided not to take the proposal anyway.

A beep of a car took her attention, she looked up at the shiny silver Bentley, & the same man was in there gesturing her to ‘call me’ then drove away- fast! May be too fast than the allowed speed limit, she thought.

She sighed so loud that a passing middle aged woman stares at her, surprised. “Sorry…” she humbly apologized. Then she looked up at the sky that is getting darker by a minute, it’s already passed 6 in the evening, she has nowhere to go, she knows no one, she’s basically alone and helpless, she heard herself muttered in Tagalog, “Oh… God…”

Interesting.... You use to many ands. Also, you should spell it instead of putting &. I would also like to know the background. Where is Tala from? Who is the man? What do they look like? I can't wait to read the second part!!!

Hey Forgotpzwrd

Tala wipes her tears with her hand & looked up at the tall, handsome American man with a flashy suit on. - You switched tenses here. I think from present tense to past tense. If you are sticking with present tense and I am going to assume that that is what you want then it should be 'Tala wipes her tears with her hand and looks up'

That is another point as well, you shouldn't be using & when writing, use and.

The guy is a bit suspicious, who is he anyway & why is he offering help, she better be careful on this one. - This sentence is a little confusing because you seemingly start off from the guy's point of view but then it appears to switch mid sentence to what the girl is thinking. Perhaps something like 'The guy is a bit suspicious. She wonders who he is anyway and why is he offering help' Just to make it a little more clear to the reader whose thoughts are being shown. Also you used & here again instead of the word and.

With a stern look on his face, he looked down at the insulting woman who is dressed - Problem with the tense again 'With a stern look on his face, he looks down at the insulting'. A way you could help avoid this issue of tenses is just to think present tense as happening now and past tense and happening in the past that you are describing. I know it may seem obvious but it may help you.

“Stop saying non sense things. And let me talk” - nonsense is one word I believe.

he said throwing his full cigarette away, obviously loosing his appetite for it. He faced her. - tense problems again. It should probably be 'he says throwing' and 'He faces her.'

“I saw you fighting with the consuls in there, it’s not that hard to figure you’re in a big trouble, are you not?” - I'm not sure what 'consuls' are? Maybe I just don't know what they are or you made a mistake. Also some of the dialogue doesn't make sense. I think it's just the wording, it gets very confusing. Perhaps try 'not hard to figure out that you're in big trouble.'

The woman with her big teary eyes of course know what the suited-guy was talking about - Some tense and wording problems here - 'The woman with her big tear eyes of course knows what the suited-guy is talking about'

she doesn’t want to remember any of those right now & she still have some immediate thinking to do to get herself out of this mess & she is in nowhere ready to be confronted by another immigrant officer, 3-5 of them is enough for one day. She stood up & left. - replace the & with the word and. Also it should be 'those right now and she still has some immediate'

And she looks at him again, this time she noticed his difference from all the man inside - it should be 'notices' and 'men'

He approached her, - 'approaches'

He said that like he‘s just saying, - 'He says it like he's just' would probably sound better and correct the tense.

“tourist are not allowed in that area” - 'tourists'

“What!?” she squealed. - 'squeals'

not long ago she’s been arguing with an officer - 'she was arguing with an officer'

because she throw a stapler to one of the officers arguing with her - this wording is quite awkward, try 'because she threw a stapler at one of the officers arguing with her'

she refused, her mind made up. - 'refuses'

immigrant officer caught you illegally - 'catches'

Before she could answer, a phone ringed. - 'rings'

He took it out from inside his jacket and raised one finger at her, motioning her to not talk. - Tense problems here again 'He takes it out from his jacket and raises one finger'

the immigration gave her 5 days to prove her stay her legally, - '5 days to prove her stay here'

the very reason why the officers did not phoned the cops on her - 'call' instead of 'phoned' would probably work better.

He says, finalizing their conversation then he left. - 'leaves'

She look at the golden card, it shimmers “Andrew Bruce” on it, - 'She looks'

A beep of a car took her attention - 'takes'

She sighed so loud that a passing middle aged woman stares at her, surprised - 'sighs'

he humbly apologized. - 'apologizes'

then she looked up at the sky that is getting - 'looks'

that is getting darker by a minute, - 'darker every minute' might be a better wording for this sentence.

Character - I think you need to work on your characters a bit more. They are not really coming across and jumping off the page. This may be something to do with your description and how it is kind of clunky and difficult to read, so the thoughts of the main character are not coming across properly. I think you just need to spend some time getting to know your characters. Who they are, what are their names, where do they come from? Even if you don't write it all in the story you should know these things so you can have an idea of the character as a whole or as a person. The degree of detail that you do for this is up to you but I think it would help you to better communicate your characters because without your readers being able to invest or care about your characters, then your story is just going to fall flat.

Pacing - The pace of the story as a little difficult to grasp because sometimes I was confused as to what was going on. I think it would be helpful if you showed the woman alone before the man comes into the picture just so that the reader has some time to get to know her and to know that she is the main protagonist. Just a clearer view of your story or chapter might help. Just going back and creating an outline for your story may help you focus your plot a bit more.

Dialogue - There wasn't much of a problem with your dialogue. The characters seemed to have their own voice but maybe they need it a little more and perhaps you could also do with a little more emotion in the dialogue because this is a very distressing situation afterall. I think you were trying not to type it in perfect English though, so that is good. If you need any help on Dialogue, this article may just help you along.

Description - Your description needs work and I think you need to go through this piece again, look at awkward wording and sentences and the things that I pointed out and see where you can improve the description so that it seems to flow more and leads the reader along, rather than being choppy and difficult to follow.

Overall this seems like it could be an interesting story if you just go back and edit it carefully and make the characters more relatable.

If you need any help just PM me!

Bex x

@Sionarama
gosh! thx for saying the story is interesting, i am going for that really. yeah, i'm kindda lazy in spelling out words 'coz i just have this trail of thoughts and i just want to put it down as quick as i can! as for the characters, i had described them in the second part of the story, where Tala is from and why she ended up in America. (^^,


@beckiw
first of all, i would really like to thank you for taking time to carefully spot my weaknesses... my eyes bulged out from its socket the moment i saw your long comment.. =) thanks! yes, about my characters, i mentioned to sionarama i am introducing them on the second part...
i think i cut my post a little too soon to tell what my character's story though, and what the story is all about... don't worry, haven't edited this one yet. your advice will be a lot of help. (^^,
oh yeah, consuls are officers working abroad, i should have just used the word 'immigrant officers' so it would be more clearer...my bad..


thx again! i really appreciate it guys!!!

Hey,

Well this was certainly interesting. I've heard of stories like this before but the throwing of the stapler made me laugh. I wonder why he needs a wife and where she's from. I like the name of this alot! Your grammar should be improved just a bit but other than that great start. where is she from? Why is she in America? Where is she going to sleep? Questions like that should be answered in the second chapter

Pm me with the next part


~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity

Hi Forgotpzwrd!

This is a really good read, very interesting. If you work on it a bit more, it would be really good. SO here's what I feel you should improve on:

CHARCTER DEVELOPMENT: I like the characters and how each of them have their own voice (in the dialogue.) It's a good work. I think you also need to develop a little on their mannerism, showing us what the protagonist if feeling or thinking about. You could show some characteristic trait of hers displayed when she is upset/stressed.

DESCRIPTION: Well, this is the one thing that I found that should be really improved. There are a few awkwardly phrased sentences and your use of '&' instead of 'and' is hard on the eyes. Also; you'll need better description. Take time, slow down and show us the story.

I hope this helps.
Cheers,
~Lava

@jasminebelles/ lavabubblingout

now your comments fired me up a bit! thank you! thanks for the suggestions also.. i have the second part already but haven't edited that one a bit, i'll work on my grammar and tense and description on the next one, well, i'll try....

thanks again guys!! mwahh!

I really liked the description of the man's personality and how you didn't reveal too much about why each of them came to be in the same place.I also really liked her personality questioning yet rational, very good mix. I can't wait to read the next part.

I really liked the description of the man's personality and how you didn't reveal too much about why each of them came to be in the same place.I also really liked her personality questioning yet rational, very good mix. I can't wait to read the next part.