Deadly Secrets-Chap. One (Title help?)

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7036
Reviews 53
**Please critque as you see appropiate! I am having a hard time choosing a title, so suggets on that would be highly appreciated. Thank you for reading!**

Chapter One

Too Fast

Sophie

My foot inched downward on the pedal as I sped past the innocent drivers I angrily cut off while driving on the interstate. My mind was buzzing; too fast for me to keep up. My head felt as though it was spinning so quickly, it was going to fly off any moment. I swiftly glanced over my shoulder before swerving into the right lane. Why in the hell do my parents think that getting a divorce isn’t going to affect me? Yeah, I am seventeen years old, but-I hesitated admitting this to myself- I need my parents. I slowed down as I pulled up to a red light. I kept my eyes on the road ahead, hiding behind my Mazda Rx-8’s dark tinted windows. The music blasting from my stereo was surely traveling into the cars beside me, and probably into the stores on either side of the street. It took all my self control not to run the red light and the people that were standing in my way as well. I tapped the to the beat of the music on my steering wheel as I counted down the seconds for the light to change green. Three…two…one…I shot off; much too fast. I kept driving, fueling my anger into the car’s speed. What the hell are my parents going to do? Just spilt? Where am I suppose to go? I shook my head, forcing the thoughts of what-will-happen out of my mind. I flew past the stores and the town I have lived in my whole life. Suddenly, something darted out in front of the road, and I was going too fast.


Ayden

My legs kick out from underneath the covers, enjoying the cool air. My eyes flutter open, then I pull them tightly shut. Ugh, another freaking day. I grab my pillow from off the floor, and through it over my head, blocking the sun light.

“Ayden! Get up! You have practice,” dad called from downstairs. I ignore him, hoping sleep will come even though I know it won’t. I wonder if that girl is going to be there today… My thoughts travel back to yesterdays football practice. I was running the field when I saw a girl probably my age, with bright blond hair sitting in the stands. She had been reading… My dad’s foot steps broke me from my revere. He was pounding up the stairs.

“Ayden, get up son. Do you want to get into college or not?” He said, as he threw the door open. I yanked the pillow that I was laying on and threw it at the door. Once he walked in, of course he threw it back; harder.

“Okay, I’m up,” I moaned. I tightened my grip on my pillow before he could snatch it out of my hands.

“Down stairs. In ten,” he barked, then walked out of the room. I reluctantly crawled out of bed and grabbed some clothes that were on top of my dresser. I glanced at the clock, 6:45 am. Gah, I can’t even sleep in in the summer.
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 11486
Reviews 25
You did a great job again! I like how you described things good and used descriptive words. I could see the image in my head so clearly. I also like the mystery in it. I have to read more! message me again once you write more! :D :) :P :wink: :mrgreen: :smt003 :smt002 :smt001 :smt005
Be yourself
And no one else
dance to the beat
and loose control
Never forget who you are
Be an unforgettable shining star*




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1493
Reviews 25
This is good. I'm really curious, so hurry up and write more! :D
I'm a JESUS FREAK!!!

Do you have any idea why a raven is like a writing desk?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 13247
Reviews 188
Hi Kate! Thanks for the PM, I wouldn't have caught this otherwise. C: And once again I did enjoy it. :D

Anyways, on to the review!

Wonderingkate wrote:My foot inched downward on the pedal as I sped past the innocent drivers I angrily cut off while driving on the interstate. Towards the end of this sentence it gets a bit icky. Too many describing words? Not sure, but I feel it's just a little busy towards the end. My mind was buzzing; too fast for me to keep up. Like this. (: My head felt as though it was spinning so quickly, it was going to fly off any moment. I swiftly glanced over my shoulder before swerving into the right lane. //Maybe start a new paragraph? Why in the hell do my parents think that getting a divorce isn’t going to affect me? Yeah, I am seventeen years old, but-I hesitated admitting this to myself- I need my parents. This part is my fave of Sophie's POV. I really like how you've slipped in how her parents are getting divorced. And how she paused before admitting that she needs her parents really makes her human for me. :smt023 Well done! //Maybe start a new paragraph here. I slowed down as I pulled up to a red light. I kept my eyes on the road ahead, hiding behind my Mazda Rx-8’s dark tinted windows. The music blasting from my stereo was surely traveling into the cars beside me, and probably into the stores on either side of the street. It took all my self control not to run the red light and the people that were standing in my way as well. I tapped the to the An extra word in here? O.o beat of the music on my steering wheel as I counted down the seconds for the light to change green. Three…two…one…I shot off; much too fast. I kept driving, fueling my anger into the car’s speed. Possibly sounds a little odd... //New paragraph? What the hell are my parents going to do? Just spilt? Where am I suppose to go? Supposed?I shook my head, forcing the thoughts of what-will-happen out of my mind. Why not just say thoughts of the future? The "what-will-happen" doesn't sit well with me for this section. C: I flew past the stores and the town I have lived in my whole life. Suddenly, something darted out in front of the road, and I was going too fast. Love the drama with your last part. A real sense of dun dun dun!


Main issue: Paragraphing! Just insert a paragraph when you go onto a new topic. I see with Ayden's part, you've got dialogue paragraphing nailed. Just keep fighting to get rid of blocks of ext. :wink:

One quick thing with Ayden's part:
or not?” He said
Lowercase "h" on "he". Typo, I see from how you've got it right with the other speech tags.

I love both of your characters' voices, they both seem real to me. And with Ayden I can totally get the whole stying-in-bed-on-a-college-morning thing. Urgh. :D Plus the language is great too.

Keep it up! Write more! :P

...And please PM me again when you post more.

Happy writing!

~Emma
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

Little Macey | Got YWS? | KOTS:BD



Oh, I'm sorry. My friends are in the popcorn and I have to save them.
— Tori Hansen, Power Rangers Ninja Storm