Icefire - part 1

Well... I guess that most the things I would have said have been completely stolen from my mouth... both critiques and compliments. Great story, just go over what the others have said and you'll do fine. PM me when you finish the next one. Or if you just want to PM me, that's fine too. (By the way, LOVE the french on your... title [?] I guess.)

I like the story, but there are lots of grammar errors. If you fix those, it will be even better!!!

BRAVO
Really really good, love youre dialogues, theyre clean and sophisticated

Well, because I suck at grammar I'm not going to give you that type of advice, but rather a potential buyer of your story.

I really liked this the transitions were nicely done and I could start to decipher the characters personalities and what's happening in the world. My only complaint is that you do not make it very clear on who certain queens are and their geographical relation to each other. I'm sure it'll be explained later. But you could save yourself some explaining if you just barely clarify it now. But I did enjoy this story and I don't think it was a waste of my time to read, like a lot of the stories on this site are for me.

Hey. I'm KitxKat, or Kat, as Im trying to make myself known, and I shall be your reviewer.

Ranger Hawk wrote:Icefire - part one

Queen Saron, ruler of the land Fiamal, watched impassively as her troops sent their enemies retreating. The hot afternoon sun felt good; it gave her power.This seems so bland. Try rewording. She ignored the approaching general as he hesitantly came forward, wondering what sort of mood his queen was in.

“Your Highness,” he said. An imperceptible twitch of her finger was all the acknowledgement he received. He continued on. “We have successfully made them retreat.”

A small snort emanated from the queen. “I can see that,” she said in a condescending tone.

“Of course,” the general said, inclining his head deferentially. “Would you like us to call the troops back or—”

“I will tell you what to do, General,” the queen said in a deceptively quiet voice. “And I say follow them. Do not leave any of them alive.”

The general bowed and hurried away, leaving the queen standing alone on the cliffside overlooking the battlefield. A slow smile crept over her face, her bright red lips parting in a malevolent grin as she rested her eyes upon the distant range of mountains that separated Fiamal from Tjaele, the frozen iceland that her enemy inhabited.

Navé.

~~~~~

Queen Navé, ruler of Tjaele, paced up and down in her throne room as she waited for her reconnaissance master to come. The tall, pale man came hurriedly and yet regally up to her.

“Yes, Your Highness,” he said, making his obeisance. The queen impatiently urged him to straighten.

“Vergal, I want you to retrieve the Gem from Sothil,” she said without preamble.

“So I am correct in deducing that the ambassadors failed in their mission to bargain for the Gem?” Vergal said, eyeing her shrewdly.

“Yes,” Navé replied briskly. “She would have none of it, and even made a pretence that it does not exist. Of course, my ambassadors are not the best at discerning the veracity of a person’s statements. That is why I am sending you. I want you to get that Gem, even though it is without the queen’s approval.”

Vergal blanched, if that was at all possible, and stammered, “B-but your Highness, the Queen Jade—”

“I don’t care what Queen Jade will do,” Navé said sternly. “You will obtain it by any means necessary.”

“You mean,” Vergal muttered, with what was almost a gulp, “I must steal the Gem from Sothil?”

“If it comes to that, yes.”

Vergal shook his head. “She will suspect, and I doubt she will even let me enter her gates,” he said ruefully. “I have done work with her before, and even if I were to go unannounced, I am sure to stick out due to my skin’s hue, and she would instantly recognize me from any descriptions.”

Navé looked at her extremely pale spy and reluctantly agreed that he had a point. “Do we not have another spy who is not so…white?” she asked. “And who has preferably never set foot in Sothil, so as not to raise as much suspicion.”

Vergal hesitated. “There is one,” he started. “He was born in the southern part of Tjaele, closer to Fiamal. His skin is of a slightly darker hue than ours. He would not stand out in the Sothilian crowds as much.”

“Then send him,” the queen said.

“Your Highness, there is one small problem.”

“And that is?”

“He is but a lad of sixteen.”

Hey Ranger! Happy review day! I'm here to raid your portfoli- review your work.

She said something in a particular way and then she did something.
Okay, that may not make much sense... The thing that stuck out to me most about this was that everything that is spoke seems to come attatched to either an adverb, or an action, or both. It's a little like watching a conversation on tv where the camera just switches between peoples heads. Description is good, but you should expand your scope a little. Don't just explain what the characters are doing while they speak, but thing about what is catching their eye, or what's around them. Do any other thoughts cross their mind while they're having these conversations?

Positives
That's all I can think of to critisize. The beginning doesn't seem too cliche from my point of view. There are only so many ways one can begin a story. I think it's a fantastic opening, and definately makes me want to read more. I don't think this really needs to be edited much as far as plot is concerned.
Also, I don't really understand some of the words you've put into this, but the variation of language you use, and the voice with which the story is spoken, keeps it interesting.

Good work
On to chapter two.