Love James - beginning

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I never fully understood the concept of love before I actually experienced it. I had read about it time after time in books, watched it from afar on movies, and seen it up close with people I knew, but I always imagined it would be something you could get around; a choice. I never dreamed that it would have such a pull on you; that once you were in, there was no going out, not that anyone would ever want to.

***

I rushed down the stairs, trying to pull my overstuffed bag down with me, resulting in a tumble to the bottom. My older sister just laughed and helped me up. “Oh Grace,” she said, still laughing, “I don’t know how you are going to stay alive living with Aunt Penelope, she’s just as much as a klutz as you are.”
And it was true. I inherited my aunt’s clumsiness, while Holly, of course, got our mother’s smooth grace.
It was always interesting staying with Aunt Penelope, so by living with her for a year, I should be able to write a book of all the wacky ideas she came up with, and I was quite looking forward to it.
I remembered the day my parents told me of their dream to go to Paris.
They sat me down at the table, and I had expected that I was in trouble for something, but it turns out I was mistaken. For some unknown reason, they had chosen that day, two months ago, to inform me of the fact that before they had any children, they had planned to go live in Paris for a year, but that dream had been smothered by the arrival of my sister.
I hadn’t known what to make of them telling me their story, so I did what I thought was best, and I encouraged them to take their trip.
So now here we are. Holly is getting all her stuff together to move into her first apartment alone, my parents with their ten suitcases waiting patiently by the door, and me, tripping down the stairs, trying to lug my oversized duffel bag to the door so I can catch my flight to Ambeus, and to my new home.
I struggled with my heavy bag until Holly came and grabbed the other strap from the hand, and helped me set it down in front of the door. I felt tears welling up in my eyes, and for the first time, I realized how much I was really going to miss my older sister.
I guess I had never really thought it over before now, how much I would miss my family, but unfortunately, it was too late.
All plans had been made with Aunt Penelope, Holly’s apartment was rented, plane tickets were purchased, and the flat in Paris was ready and waiting for my parents.
I took a deep breath, and tried to think optimistically. This was the perfect opportunity; the perfect chance to escape the same routine I had been living for too long. It was time for a change.
I heard the phone ring quietly from the kitchen, so I raced over to see who could be calling.
“Hello?” I asked breathlessly.
“Grace? It’s Thomas.”
“Thomas!” I squealed. It sounded so comforting to hear my best friend’s voice on the other side of the line, and was incredibly grateful. We had both been worried that he would not make it home from army training in time to say goodbye.
I had expecting it to be hard to leave him for a year, but what I wasn’t expecting was the sinking feeling as my heart descended into my stomach. The longest I had been away from him in my life was two weeks, while he was gone for his first army training, and it was only now that I was realizing how difficult it was going to be to live without him, when I had relied on him so much for so long.
“How long until you leave? Do we have time?”
“We’re getting ready to leave now, and the airplane departs in an hour, so hurry, I can’t leave without seeing you one more time.”
He hung up the phone without saying goodbye, and I knew that he was racing down the street to come see me.
I hung up the phone, and plopped down on the couch in the living room. I took in my surroundings, and tried to memorize the way my home looked. Hopefully I wouldn’t forget it, but I would miss it all the same.
I heard the door open, and sprang up to go meet my friend.
“Thomas!” I exclaimed, and took him by the hand to the living room.
“Grace! I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it earlier, I called as soon as I got home from the airport.”
“It’s okay, I’m just glad I get to see you one more time.” I sighed, and unwillingly the knowledge of leaving my best friend behind sank in. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes once more, but I bit my tongue, not wanting to ruin these last moments.
“Its okay, Grace,” he comforted me, putting his arm around my shoulders. “You know we’ll keep in touch, we can write letters every day if you want to. I know you’ll have a great time in Ambeus, and I’m sure I’ll be just fine here.”
I shrugged closer to him, and suddenly realized that it would have been much smarter to leave without saying goodbye to him, while he was at army training for a week, than to see him again, and have even more memories with him that I was going to miss. Even so, I was very selfish, and had to see him one more time.
“Grace, I’m so sorry, but we really have to be leaving. We can’t afford for you to miss your flight.” I lifted my head to the sound of my mom’s soft voice, and found her and Holly standing side by side at the entrance to the living room, looking truly sorry that I had to leave Thomas.




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It was always interesting staying with Aunt Penelope, so by living with her for a year, I should be able to write a book of all the wacky ideas she came up with, and I was quite looking forward to it.

Sorry for the long quote for such a little correction. The underlined word seems a bit weird. It doesn't seem like a teenager would say it.

I sighed, and unwillingly the knowledge of leaving my best friend behind sank in.

So you do this quite a lot in this excerpt.
1. You have already told us a million times that she is just not focusing on how hard it would be to leave people. Okay, we got it. You don't need to keep saying it. It's boring and annoying.
2. This is an example of show not tell. I have a lot of trouble with this, so I wanted to inform you of it. Here you are telling. You are telling me that she is sad because she has t leave him. Instead of telling me that, show it. Sometimes you can't be sure how to show it, so I will make a list for you.
-You can express it through dialogue. You can have them tell each other they will miss their hugs or their kisses, something like that. (that was out of context)
-You can show it through memories. With this excerpt from your story, you can flash back on the moment they met, and have her cry because of it.
-You can do it through body language. You can make your characters faint, cry, kill themselves, anything you want. So experiment with it!


I really liked this. You have a nice voice, perfect for romance stories. The only really really negative thing I have to point out is the beginning. Using those phrases, summarizing what will happen is very cliche, and you want to steer away from the bad cliche's as much as possible. Cliche's don't have to be bad if they are used in the right way. As my favorite show, How I Met Your Mother said, "It's a cliche for a reason."

Keep writing, you are good. :)

Classy




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Hi :)

I really like how open you left this. At the end of the chapter there are so many possibilities, so many places this story could go. I'm excited to see more.

There were two main things that I spotted in the piece that could use some improvement. The first of which is the info-dumping. It's never a good idea to tell the reader too much, for fear of either telling us too much to remember or dulling the story. The latter is what happens here. Keep this to the basic facts: Your MC is moving in with her Aunt, she's cumsy, she's sad but happy at the same time.

The second issue is how FAST Thomas got to her house. One second he was one the phone and the next he was coming through the door. Does he have teleporting powers or what? :P

And that's all. Keep writing. I liked this.

KJ



i am neither a loose leaf nor do i like loose leafs. really, i am a piece of wide-ruled looseleaf paper.
— looseleaf