One Night With You

We met one night,
in the dark, the fear,
We exchanged smiles,
I held my glass up to you,
played with my hair,
crossed my legs,
flirted like crazy.

We drank together one night,
with happiness, with love,
We talked, I laughed,
You were bewildered by my laughter,
Apparently you play the saxophone,
then you disappear.

We talked one night,
No names, no games,
You held my hand,
Held my gaze,
And I felt that exhilaration
A power held over you.

I loved you one night,
not knowing how,
not knowing why,
Delighted by my own
Slutishness,
Terrified by it,
We walked out together,
You helped me put on my coat.

We had sex one night,
to the sound of live jazz,
to the sound of our joy,
And the music matched our envy,
It's craziness the taste of your kisses,
It's eraticness the imprint of your hand on my neck,
We were the jazz,
we were that emotion,
that betrayal.

I forgot you one night,
as I walked home in the cold,
Alone, but elated,
With you.

Valentine

This poem captures the way of the world very well. The world is dark, and full of this immorality. This is the best poem I've read so far because it doesn't water anything down. It has rhythm, it flows, and gets the message across. Something that would make it even better would be to tweak the ending just a bit. Maybe add a surprise, or maybe a toll that she has now for her ways. To leave the reader with nothing at the end makes the reader feel empty. Great job.

Valentine

Thank you!

This poem was very random. I'll try to point out what I mean.

in the dark, the fear,

So, I don't really like 'the fear' here. I feel you you were just trying to fill in a line.

We drank together one night,

Why do you say 'one night' here? I would delete it.

with happiness, with love,

Instead of a comma after happiness, I would insert an and. Like this:
with happiness and with love,

We talked, I laughed,
You were bewildered by my laughter,

If you say 'laughed' in the line before, don't say 'laughter' in the line after. Say it like this: We talked, I laughed, and you were bewildered by it.

Apparently you play the saxophone,

This is what I'm talking about random. Where did this come from? And is it necessary? I don't think so.

not knowing if I should dare, not knowing weather I should care,

The underlined 'weather' is wrong. And I don't see a pun in it, so it should be whether.

Delighted by my own slutishness,

I think it is 'slutiness.'

We had sex one night,

You should rate this work. Some people won't like to read about sex and stuff. (:

It's eraticness the imprint of your hand on my neck,

The underlined word is spelt erraticness.

I felt elated, elated by the music, elated by you.

Nice ending, it ties everything together.


Instead of pointing out the specific things they did, I would much rather hear about the magic of the attraction. What was it about each other that drew them in so quickly? That is something we as readers want to know, and you as a writer should write about. I liked this poem, it was original. It reminds me of the Great Gatsby and the 1920's.

Classy

Hello, I have come to review you!

Velvet.whispers wrote:We met one night,
in the dark, the fear,
We exchanged smiles,
I held my glass up to you,
played with my hair, crossed my legs, flirted like crazy.

We drank together one night,
with happiness, with love,
We talked, I laughed,
You were bewildered by my laughter,
Apparently you play the saxophone, then you disappear.

We talked one night,
Without names, without play,
You held my hand,
Looked into my eyes,
And I felt that exhilaration of power held over you.

I loved you one night,
not knowing if I should dare, not knowing weatherShould be whether I should care,
Delighted by my own slutishness,
Terrified by it,
We walked out together, you helped me put on my coat.

We had sex one night,
to the sound of live jazz, to the sound of our joy,
And the music matched our envy,
It's craziness the taste of your kisses,
It's eraticnessshould be erraticness the imprint of your hand on my neck,
We were the jazz, we were that emotion, that betrayal.

I forgot you one night,
I walked away in the cold,
alone,
But instead of feeling terribly crass,
I felt elated, elated by the music, elated by you.

Other then a couple of spelling mistakes I really liked this!
I really like the line "Apparently you play the saxophone" because it's a little lightness and it leads to: "to the sound of live jazz" and "We were the jazz"
I really like how full of emotion this is

I definitely appreciate the language you present, and the honesty that comes forth. Your effort is limitless.
We talked, we drank, we walked, we were the jazz. I like the connections.
"...jazz, we were that emotion, that betrayal".
Just great... and Ill say I like this line unlike c-classy,

We talked, I laughed,
You were bewildered by my laughter,

Obviously to repeat a word is to put emphasis on it; or empower it and that is why I liked how you used the word 'laugh' here.
Confusion that is fun...is interesting.

"We had sex tonight"-- I like the bluntness.
I certainly like how music is tied into the whole poem.
You put question the instrument, than give it a genre and call it music-that is clever.

I could go far with this poem, overall I like it. Very mysterious and that's what I love, sometimes in poems as this, things are better left unsaid... but let me know if you want a better constructed opinion on this.

You describe the things you have done very well in this poem. It makes it easy to picture everything that's going on. I'm not sure I like the ending. I sort of do, like the "elated" part, but I think "I forgot you one night" brings it down a little. The poem flows well though and I like the mention of jazz throughout.

"things I have done", you presume too much maybe ?!

This poem had good description but sounds very choppy and sort of falls

Velvet.whispers wrote:We met one night,
in the dark, the fear,
We exchanged smiles,
I held my glass up to you,
played with my hair, crossed my legs, flirted like crazy.

We drank together one night,
with happiness, with love,
We talked, I laughed,
You were bewildered by my laughter,
Apparently you play the saxophone, then you disappear.

We talked one night,
Without names, without play,
You held my hand,
Looked into my eyes,
And I felt that exhilaration of power held over you.

I loved you one night,
not knowing if I should dare, not knowing weather I should care,
Delighted by my own slutishness,
Terrified by it,
We walked out together, you helped me put on my coat.

We had sex one night,
to the sound of live jazz, to the sound of our joy,
And the music matched our envy,
It's craziness the taste of your kisses,
It's eraticness the imprint of your hand on my neck,
We were the jazz, we were that emotion, that betrayal.

I forgot you one night,
I walked away in the cold,
alone,
But instead of feeling terribly crass,
I felt elated, elated by the music, elated by you.

flat. I suggest that you first work on making the first stanza more exciting, pulling you in so you want to read more.

But I really did love your last two stanza's they stood out clear and seemed to sing a song. Fix this up and post it again then it will be a very great poem! Keep up the writing!