Living with the Devil

I'm not sure about the title yet, i'm planning to post this somewhere else and there's another story with a similar title. But it'll have to do until i think of something else. Anyway, here is the prologue. If you could focus on the grammar when reviewing that would be great, i'm not very good at it.

Living with the Devil

I was sceptical at first. I mean, when something seems too good to be true, it usually is. Leigh likes to throw around flashy words like cynical and pessimistic, but I’m just being realistic. A huge attic room, fully furnished with a queen-size bed, free internet and situated right next to the university I was going to, all for just £45 per week including bills. There was no way that could be legitimate.

After sifting through pages and pages of overpriced garbage, finding this ad felt kind of like what I imagine winning the Lotto would feel like. It took me less than ten seconds to come to the conclusion that it was obviously fake, probably posted by some pathetic loner with nothing better to do than crush the hopes and dreams of gullible students searching for decent, yet affordable accommodation.

Disheartened, I clicked the back button on my internet browser and returned to my fruitless searching. I suppose, if I’m being honest, I didn’t need to move. I was still living at home with my mum, dad and my dog, Rocky. And although I had to pay board, it was still a lot cheaper than moving out would be. However, the thought of spending another year listening to my mum whine about how messy my room is, or how I shouldn’t turn the lights on during the day because it’s wasting electricity, or how I should wash my pots straight after using them instead of leaving them in the sink because it makes the kitchen look untidy, was enough to make me want to rip my hair out.

So no matter how many times my mum told me it was a bad idea, or how many extra hours I had to put in at the store to afford the rent, nothing was going to stop me from moving out. The only thing that even made me think twice was leaving Rocky behind. It killed me knowing that I wouldn’t be able to take my baby with me when I went, as most student houses don’t allow pets, but it was the price I had to pay for my independence.

After another half hour of useless browsing, I decided to check out the advertisement again. A four bedroomed Victorian style house with a modern kitchen, spacious and stylishly furnished living room and a large garden with outdoor tables and chairs for BBQ. Reading the description, I could just imagine myself living there. No one telling me what to do, or how to do it. Complete independence.

Clicking the button marked ‘Reply to Ad’, I decided to go for it. What was the worst that could happen? It’s not like I was parting with any money or anything, at least not until I’d seen the place for myself. And if the ad was fake, it’s unlikely that anyone would reply anyway.

After sending the message I turned off my laptop with a sigh. As hard as I was trying not to get my hopes up, I could feel a tingle of excitement growing in my belly. This could finally be it, the moment I’ve been waiting 18 years for. I smiled to myself as I slipped under my duvet and fell asleep to thoughts of how amazing student life was going to be.

I liked it. I thought we [the readers] didn't get to know the MC enough, but then, we're going to see more of her and it's just the begining, so it's okay. The thing that really caught my eye here - more than the plot which wasn't very intruiging up until now [it's just the begining though, so don't take it to heart. It was very well written so I enjoyed the read]I was actually fascinated by the name. I want to keep reading because of the name.
While I was reading of how... frustrated [I think it's the right word for it, though it's not exactly that] the girl was with her Mum I kind of nodded internally. I completely agree.
Reading through really quickly, I don't see a name. I think you should add it, it would make the reader feel more connected to the main character in my mind.
Please keep me posted on when the next chapter is up!
It was nicely done, just not fascinating yet.
Ofir

Hey ofir!
I'll review your story today!
So here I go!

Well, I have to say I liked it, I liked your hook. Those first too sentences really did make me want to read more about your story and what was so good to even pretend to be true. But to be honest it kind of bored me at some points. It was good but it was kind of flat. Plot and character always go together, so here I see a bit of your story and what you want to make from this piece. But the character is just narrating, which is good, but you have to find a nice balance between narration, description and dialogue. Here there was a lack of character development, I don't see much of your character at all, just the strive your character has for independence. Which is good for many of the readers can actually relate to that feeling, but letting us now more about your character would have been good.

Just one thing I noticed.

And although I had to pay board, it was still a lot cheaper than moving out would be. However, the thought of spending another year listening to my mum whine about how messy my room is, or how I shouldn’t turn the lights on during the day because it’s wasting electricity, or how I should wash my pots straight after using them instead of leaving them in the sink because it makes the kitchen look untidy, was enough to make me want to rip my hair out.

Do you actually realize how long this sentence is?! It's huge. You have to watch out for your sentence length. Why?because it simply makes the reader lose the main idea of the sentence and what does that make? a confusion. Try to put the main idea and some important details that can support the main idea without losing the structure and sense.

So that's all
Hope I helped
Pudin

I really liked the title uh, I didn't get a real visual for the character and that is really important in any story. The beginning needs work it flowed but after a while I was kind of like okay give me the goods. I hardly ever like reading a story like that. Other than that keep it up you are doing very well.

Kadie,
I quite liked this. I didn't think there was much wrong with your grammar.
First of all, I agree with Ofir when they stated that your character needs a name. If you are wondering how to put this is, try imbedding it into a quote, maybe from her sister.
Second of all:

There was no way that could be legitimate.

I don't know why, but this line sounds funny. :S
And lastly:

Disheartened, I clicked the back button on my internet browser and returned to my fruitless searching.
(new paragraph)I suppose, if I’m being honest, I didn’t need to move.

-Maddy