king Midas

Hello Everyone,
This is another of my poems: King Midas
It's close to the real legend, but I think that I might have changed it a little.

Anyhow, please enjoy and review!

King Midas

King Midas liked gold very much,
A God granted him the golden touch.
With his new power, he was glad,
for a palace of gold, he soon had.

He turned his throne golden and bright;
He touched his statues golden and proud;
Of gold and stone, he made his walls;
His rivers were made to golden falls.
The air, it seemed, was golden too;
Golden was his spoon of sinew;
Golden turned his velvet curtains;
Turned to gold his grand grub and draught
With a touch, turned golden his bed;
But, alas, he could no longer be fed;

Praised he the nights that were long past;
But the thought of a golden nation
held him like an annoying spell,
And through the dark hole, his mind, alas, fell.
His heart became dreadfully cold,
and it became as rigid as gold.

And though his palace was of gold,
But he, himself, turned withered and old.
And gold soon clouded his judgment
that golden he made his daughter.

Begged he of the almighty God,
For a second chance at better life;
The wish, God, luckily, did grant,
But on such condition as he said:

“Thy wish shall be granted,
on such condition, as stated,
that ye shall learn,
From thy mistakes as thou discern.”

And such did the God articulate,
And, hopefully, King Midas will learn,
Of the mistakes that he had done;

Hi there, Bahadors, I'm going to (try) to be your reviewer.

King Midas liked gold very much,
A God granted him the golden touch.
With his new power, he was glad,
for a palace of gold, he soon had.

He turned his throne golden and bright;
He touched his statues golden and proud; using golden here could be seen as repetitive, but maybe you wanted the repetition for rhythm. Another thing is that bright and proud don't rhyme. So far, you've been making every two lines rhyme, so proud is out of place.
Of gold and stone, he made his walls; Of stone? I think you mean to say that his walls were stone, and then gold, but I'm they weren't stone after he was through with them.
His rivers were made to golden falls. This line flows very nicely.
The air, it seemed, was golden too;
Golden was his spoon of sinew; Sinew is the tendon of an animal dried for human use, mainly bowstrings and such. I've never heard of a spoon being made of sinew, though.
Golden turned his velvet curtains;
Turned to gold his grand grub and draught ^^ grand grub, an excellent use of repetitive sounds (the G)
With a touch, turned golden his bed;
But, alas, he could no longer be fed;

Praised he the nights that were long past;
But the thought of a golden nation Once again, 'past' and 'nation' don't rhyme. are you meaning for this to be the pattern of your poem? If so, you need to repeat it more often and make it part of the rhythm. For instance, the last rhyming word of the above paragraph could be the first rhyming word in the second paragraph.
held him like an annoying spell,
And through the dark hole, his mind, alas, fell.
His heart became dreadfully cold,
and it became as rigid as gold.

And though his palace was of gold,
But he, himself, turned withered and old.
And gold soon clouded his judgment
that golden he made his daughter. Alright, first of all, you said "And though his palace was of gold..." and then you begin the next line with a "But". It doesn't make sense those two right after each other. Secondly, judgment and daughter don't rhyme. In many poems, there is little to no rhyme, and that's alright, but here you've already set the pattern of two rhyming lines, AABBDDCC. Your first paragraph sets this pattern, and the rest should follow (Unless you're doing free, unrestricted poetry, which you're not)

Begged he of the almighty God,
For a second chance at better life;
The wish, God, luckily, did grant,
But on such condition as he said:

“Thy wish shall be granted,
on such condition, as stated,
that ye shall learn,
From thy mistakes as thou discern.” Discern and Learn rhyme, but the rhythm doesn't keep up. Count the number of syllables in the lines above the last in this paragraph. Then count them in the last line. See? 4 and 7 are imbalanced and out of beat.

And such did the God articulate,
And, hopefully, King Midas will learn,
Of the mistakes that he had done;

Overall, you did well telling the story, but you missed out on two points.
One was the fact that you did not keep to a central pattern (rhyme and rhythm were way out).
Secondly, you used the word 'gold' too much. If it was like the repeating 'golden' in lines 5 and 6, then it would have been okay. However, you used it every other lines and without proper placing. This led me to be very confused concerning the beat of the poem.

Work on it a little more, but don't worry, you've almost got it!

I think you did a good job of recapping the legend in poetry form and I rather enjoyed it. I agree with Jenthura, in that you did not have a rhyming scheme at all. Also your punctuation seems a bit off. Typically with poetry, you punctuate it just as you would prose. No need to capitalise each line, unless of course, they follow a period, question mark, or exclamation point. However, you can break these rules, if there is a purpose behind capitalising each line. As I cannot discern what this purpose is in your poem, I would say to follow the typical punctuation as you would for prose. Good job and keep writing!

Haha, I like this! It made me smile, which is always awesome. I love the words you've used - sinew and such - and the way your poem progresses.

Some suggestions would be to lose the rhyming scheme, while you don't notice all of the rhymes, I noticed enough to put me off. Not only that, but you skip the rhyme in parts, which makes them all the more odd. You clearly have a good grasp of poetry and of theatrics, which adds to the atmosphere of the poem.

I agree with one of the reviewers above me that your rhythm is also a little out. This is partly because of the rhyming, which throws your lines into forced spaces. I'd suggest reading your poem out loud a few times, seeing how it feels and how the words are spaced. This should give you a feel of the rhythm of your poem and what areas need some work.

Looking at your punctuation may also be prudent, you use a lot of semi-colons that don't appear to be necessary. Added to this, you have capital letters starting some sentences which don't need it.

Most certainly a good poem! It just needs a little bit of tidying up to make it solid.

~ Penguin.

Hey.

I enjoyed this but give it a good thorough edit because I think in some points the fluency was disrupted by the lack of punctuation. It also slightly changed the tone and it kind of altered the rhythm. It's easily sorted though.

Nice, feel-good read.

Give this a good revision, keep up the writing.
Ben

Hey there! I'm here to review your poem! Let's get started.

So first off, I like the general idea you had behind this. I personally would never think to write something based on a biblical legend like this, and I'm glad someone else did. And, of course, it's a refreshing break from the usual stuff I read in poetry. >.<

Now, that being said, I think you need to completely lose the rhyming, or make it exact in its placement so that your poem has an even rhythm. Right now your rhyming lines are placed strangely, and it distracts me. In the future, I might suggest reading your work aloud to pinpoint the weaknesses in flow.

So, I hope this helped you out! If you have any questions or ever want another review, please feel free to ask!

Hi, there ^^
So, I think you portrayed the legend pretty nicely. However, what annoyed me is you rhymed inconsistently. There was no rhyming pattern, it just skipped on and off which was rather upsetting in my view. And, like Jen, I have never heard of a spoon being made of sinew. If they did, in fact, eat from spoons of sinew...uck. But, it seems like you threw it in for the sake of another rhyme.
But, still, nice job.
Tata.
-Mizz

Hello everyone,
Thank you for reviewing my poem and giving such great tips.
As for the rhyme scheme and rhythm, they were off, for ,during writing this poem, I had to constantly get off and on the computer. I'll edit this as soon as I can.

Golden was his spoon of sinew; Sinew is the tendon of an animal dried for human use, mainly bowstrings and such.

I remember reading something about Native Americans using sinews as tools similar to spoon in my history book, but I may be wrong.

Again, thank you!

Oh, and another thing

I'd have a quick look over lines like this:

Turned to gold his grand grub and draught

I didn't notice this during my first post of feedback but I'd revise this line. It doesn't really "fit in" with the rest of the poem and there's a slight oddness in the rhythm because of it.

have a quick look,
Colourful language!

Keep it up!
Ben