Dying Darkness (revised)

First poem ive actually let ppl read so... hahhahah

The darkness seeps closer,
reaching, for it knows her,
she's familiar with its charms,
falling quickly back into its arms.

She's in a deep pit of despair
clutching and pulling at her hair,
moaning, yelling, crying out,
tears come pouring as she shouts.

"Darkness, darling, take me away,
let this be my dying day"
and he complies, putting her to sleep,
putting her under much to deep.

She was suffocating, drowning it seemed
she wouldn't survive, she would not reem,
eternal life, the life in the light,
and so the darkness says "Goodnight."

Good job! I really liked it but you could work on the rhythm a bit. On the last part of the poem you could do: "She was suffocating, drowning it seemed
never would she again dream.
Never would she reach the day, the day that she could fly away."
Something like that... well sorry if that's bad I'm not the worlds best poet as you have already figured out. You should definitely keep writing poems you have something!

yeah i noticed that also... i knew it wasn't very good at the end, but i didn't rlly know how to end it.. now i have a better idea for wht i should do when i revise it!! thank you!

Hi torigirl. The first thing I noticed was the rhyme scheme, which was pretty good, but I suggest getting rid of it all together. I'm not sure rhyming your lines really does anything here.

I also noticed that much of your poem relies on the abstract, which isn't always a good thing. Having too much abstraction in your poems doesn't give the reader a very good image of what's going on in your poem, which is usually something you want to do. You might want to consider changing or reworking the following words as they are pretty abstract: darkness, charms, despair, heavenly reward. They don't really mean anything to the reader at this point, as you have not given them something to anchor these words. They just kind of float out there, not really being given their full power.

I liked the quotation you have in the third stanza. It's a good use of voice. I would really reconsider the last paragraph, though. It's really kind of melodramatic--suffocating and drowning are tough words to use in a poem without it feeling melodramatic. Physical description would probably serve you better.

Hello Torigirl

I agree with everyone else, the ending seemed a little melodramatic and I wanted to 'see' what was going on rather than hear that she was 'suffocating and drowning', if you get what I mean. A little more physical description is needed. You would have a bit more room to do this if you ditched the rhyme scheme and did something called free poetry.

Overall, this was good, just brush up your last stanza and maybe remove some of the wimsical words that don't really mean anything to the reader earlier on.

Well Done
Keep Writing
~Lydia

heyyy, so. u r sitting right next to me, but i need the points hahahah. sooo heres wht i think.
i think:
really good.
its my type of writing.
i like the rhyme scheme.
not confusing.
last stanza is a little off, but i like what it said anyways. haha.
ummmmm......
you should write more like this
and then u should show them to me in person, aight??
hahhaa ok.

I really liked this poem. I think the entire thing flowed, although the end was a bit off.

The darkness seeps closer
reaching for it knows her
she's familiar with its charms
falling quickly back into its arms

I really like the first stanza, it really got me into the poem The only thing is, there's no punctuation and in all of your other stanza's there is. I'm not saying to put a million comma's, but maybe a period at the end at least? Other wise, it's a really good beginning.

She's in a deep pit of despair
clutching and pulling at her hair,
moaning, yelling, crying out,
tears come pouring as she shouts,

Again, I really like this stanza. I think it's very strong The only thing is the end. Is it meant to be a comma?

"Darkness, darling, take me away,
let this be my dying day"
and he complies, putting her to sleep,
putting her under much to deep,

Same thing for this one with the comma.

She was suffocating, drowning it seemed
never would she ever reem
her heavenly reward.

The first line is good, but maybe tweak the last two lines. You probably think I'm being way to over-critical but really I loved the poem and I don't think I could ever write something so passionate and deep! Awesome job Oh and I think it's awesome for someone who's never shared their poetry before! I've never written much so I've never shown anyone anything

thank you for the suggustions on changing the last two lines, and yes i was supposed to add in puncuation for the first stanza, thank you for telling me!

Wow, i really love this poem. This is up to you, seeing as it is your poem, but i can see it being longer. Extend the imagery just a bit and give us a little more information on who "he" is, the one that "complies". If you have more poetry please post it because your writing style towards poetry is unique but not overdone like some writers i know who write poetry. Wow have i said poetry enough in this message? Haha keep writing
NeverLand

Oh my God I loved it! It does need a little work, but not very much. I just love all of it, really, it's good. Dark, morbid, my kind of poetry.

I really liked this, it was powerful yet also different.
I liked the structure of it as it fitted well.
Also the imagery was gorgeous (for lack of a better word), made me feel like I was there, watching.
I especially loved:

The darkness seeps closer,
reaching, for it knows her,
she's familiar with its charms,
falling quickly back into its arms.

Gave a good beginning and kept me hooked till the end though I would have liked another verse perhaps to give a tad more description.
Overall a great piece of poetry.
Well done!

I think the other reviews have already covered what needs to be revised and changed, but as a not the use of more periods in the first stanza would make this poem flow. As a reader there I see where naturally I would pause, but some others might not it that way.

In the first stanza there are places that could be changed to periods:

The darkness seeps closer,
reaching, for it knows her,
she's familiar with its charms,
falling quickly back into its arms.

The italicized especially would be better as its own sentence. It would help the overall flow of the poem move better.

"Darkness, darling, take me away,
let this be my dying day"

This italicized should be made its own sentence as well. Overall though this poem was good. I liked the idea and connotation evoked by the imagery and personification of darkness.

I haven't read the previous comments because I'm doing this on my phone, so sorry if I repeat anyone. I like how you used personification in this piece, making the darkness sound like a wonderful helpful person, a partner, even. And you also make it sound very fluid when you describe it as seeping. In fact, you make the darkness sound mystical, and powerful, like something supernatural so I love how you play with the idea that it's not just the absence of light and it makes the reader wonder what else the darkness is capable of.

right so, you've edited this since i last read it the only problem i saw was grammatical:

putting her under much to deep.
((putting her under much too deep.))

and thats it. its pretty much kickin in other words

So this is dark and devious. . . BUT I LOVED IT!

Intriguing content with both darkness and love! Wonderful! I think it flowed pretty well, not prefectly but not too bad either and the rhymes didn't sound too forced even if they didn't seem that natural at all places...
Well, overall I guess I just thought that it was a quite nice read and yeh.. I kinda adored it!

4/5 icky sticky spiders to you!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness