The watermelon

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Wow...I have been such a long while since I posted my last story up here. Wonder if anyone still remember me...
Anyway, this is an story originally written as an answer for a Question on Y!Answer: "Write a random story about a watermelon named Bob" Somehow that give me inspiration :D , and this is the result. Enjoy!
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"Here!" She handed me the large, luscious green watermelon. She knew that I loved watermelon."Call it a parting gift from a childhood friend." She smiled at me. The same bright cheerful smile that I have loved all the time we have been together. I loved her. I loved her soft, warm hands, touching mine as she was giving me the watermelon. I love her farm girl's fuzzy brown hair fluttering in the wind like small bird wings before me. I love her large black eyes looking at me shining like the sun. I would have to part with all of that, and part with her forever.

"Remember to write for me!" I called after her when she was getting on the truck. She didn't answer me. Maybe she didn’t hear me because of the engine, or maybe, she just didn’t care. Why should she? She was going to move to the city, far away from this godforsaken countryside, to live in luxury. Why should she care about a farm boy like me? Her eyes were fixed to the road ahead, looking to her new future. A future without me.

And then she left. Left me behind, with the green watermelon and a broken heart. Let out a sigh of depression, I hauled the melon, now heavy like the feelings welling up inside me, into the house. Placing it on my table, I watched it without interested. I didn't want to eat it. It was something to remind me of her. I was not ready to forget her yet...no, I didn't want to forget her. But, what good would it do to me? Keeping a broken love is like holding a piece of broken glass: it will make you bleed.

In my days of loneliness, I locked myself up in my house, playing with the watermelon like a madman. I even gave it a name. "Bob" was what I called it. Sounds almost like her name. I held it in my arms, and tried to remember the warmth of the hands that I once felt. I set it before me, and talked to it like I used to talk to her. Sometimes, I placed it on my head, thinking about the time when I was out there, doing farm work with her, happy smiles on our faces. Now, distant memories came back to me, and cut my heart mercilessly, but I couldn't help it. What could I do?

One night, I slept with the watermelon by my side. I dreamed of her, like every other night. She was smiling, the way she had smiled when she left me. And then, she walked away from me. I tried to run after her, but I fell, again. It was always like that. It is the sign for me to give up this hopeless love? I suddenly woke up, and realized that my eyes were full of tears. But then, as I moved my hand in the darkness, I realized something else: Bob was gone! The watermelon disappeared! I searched high and low, and looked for Bob the way a mother would have searched for her lost child. And when I was running past the window, I caught a glimpse of something green and red. It was shining under the moon light in my back yard. I frantically rushed to the old back door, seeing that a large hole have been nibbled out by the vermin of the farm - rats. Ignoring it, I blasted through the door, just to see those cursed pests running away from what was left of Bob: a mess of the green skin and red watermelon juice spilling onto the earth like blood.

I knelt down over it, wept for it, throwing an angry fist up toward the starry night. All for nothing. I couldn't get it back as I couldn't get her back. Suddenly, a voice came from behind me, from the other side of the fences: "What are you doing? It's just a melon."

I angrily turned back to face the person, ready to shout out the meaning of Bob, of this memento of her, but I couldn't. It was a beautiful girl, soaking in silver moonlight, her blonde hair glittering with the stars. Was she the person who had just moved in the little house on the other side of the road, where the girl I once loved had lived?..."Once loved"? Those words resonated in my mind. Since when?

The look on my face must have been very funny then, because she was laughing so hard, with such pure of happiness."What is wrong with you?" She asked. “You made SO much noise that I had to come here to see what happened. And all of that just for a watermelon?"

"It is not just a watermelon for me!" I protested, but my voice somehow seemed distant and weak, as if it was came from somewhere else far away.

"A watermelon is a watermelon. It will be eaten by human, by animals, or rot away. One way or another, the seeds inside will have to be freed, so they can grow into more watermelons!" She smiled innocently, and a soothing feeling came to my tired soul, like a rain after a drought.

It is not like I did not know it. I knew it all the time. That sometime, I would have to let things go, and I would have to move on. But I could not accept that. Not until now…She was right. I should let the seeds grow once again…

Without a word, I flicked away the remains of the watermelon and picked up the little black seeds in middle of the red mound of watermelon flash.

“Do you like watermelons?” I asked the girl after that, trying to be casual.

“Oh yes, they are very delicious!” She tiled her small head and looked at me, somewhat confused by my sudden change of subject, “But why do you ask?”

“Umm…” I continued, attempted to look calm, but my shy smile and my shaking voice betrayed me. “You know…we can…uh…grow this…uh…together? No, I mean…we…”

Then I heard her chuckle. She chuckled at my silliness, incoherent sentences, my…Oh how stupid I was! I could not even express my feeling for her properly…I could not have imagined being more embarrassed as I was that time.

However, the next moments were the happiest moment of my life. She slowly shook her head, and her chuckled faded away into a gentle moonlit smile as she looked at my handful of watermelon seeds.

“Well,” she reached out, as if wanting to take the seeds in my hand. But when I held out the hand full of black seeds, she suddenly grasped it and pulled me close to her over the fence. “Let’s grow a lot of melons together.” She breathed into my ear. Those were her soft words as I was buried in the sunflower scent of her hair.

Then she pushed me back, her long fingers quickly took a few seeds from my hands. “I will come over again tomorrow!” she said with a wink and walked back to her house. I took a deep breath and turned around. Bob was still there – a total mess of watermelon and dirt. But I didn’t feel hurt anymore; the pain in my heart was also disappearing. “Goodbye Bob.” I said “It is time for me to grow watermelons now.”
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I do feel that the ending lack something, but I can quite catch what it is...
Last edited by RainWanderer on Sun Jan 31, 2010 8:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
Who am I? Just a wanderer, traveling from real life to dreams.

“Writing a book is a very lonely business. You are totally cut off from the rest of the world, submerged in your obsessions and memories.” - Mario Vargas Llosa




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Hello,

Firstly I would like to say that this is very original paticularly with the watermelon and it was the title that cought my eye. I really liked it, I think that you are right about the ending though, it was lacking punch, it was kind of like you ran out of steam and then brought the story to a close. Other than this though I liked it and I didn't find anyting to nit-pick with it so that is very good. I was interested in the name 'Bob' though, you said it sounded like her name and I can't think of a girls name that sounds like Bob other than Bobbie, and I just wondered what the girls name you were refering to was.


Anyways, Well Done! *Clicks the Like button*
Keep Writing
~Lydia
Thinking about what you COULD achieve will get you no where. You've got to chase your dreams.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=188&t=92400 - Need a review?




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Hi there RW! So…a watermelon…this aught to be interesting. :D

…touching mine as she giving me the water melon.


Shouldn’t it be ‘watermelon’ as one word?

She didn't answer to me.


‘to’ is unnecessary here.

Let out a sigh of depression, I hauled the melon, now heavy like the feelings welling up inside me, into the house.


Because of the way that this is worded, ‘let’ should be ‘letting.’

One day, I slept with the watermelon by my side.


Day? Don’t most people sleep at night?

It is just a melon.


Dialogue should always be realistic. Most people would use the conjunction ‘it’s’ rather than just ‘it is.’

I angrily turned back to face that person


‘that’ seems funny here. Just using ‘the’ would probably work better.

It was a beautiful girl, soaking in silver moon light


‘moon light’ much like what I mentioned about ‘water melon’ earlier is usually written as one word rather than two, at least as far as I’ve often seen it.

You made SO much noise that I had to came here to see what happened.


‘came’ should be ‘come.’

That sometime, I will have to let things go,


‘will have’ is the wrong tense. You need the past tense ‘would have.’

Then I heard her chuckled .She chuckled


Just a quick mention that the period is misplaced.

the pain in my heart was also disappearing away.


You don’t need ‘away’ in here. ‘Disappearing’ gets the point across without it.

Overall

This is definitely an interesting story. And my only real issue at all with this is that you had quite a few silly errors. But that can be fixed simply by remembering to read through a story slowly to find them. Reading it out loud is often your best bet because you’ll hear and see any errors.

Another issue I had is that his loosing his mind is so abrupt it doesn’t feel completely believable.

But things like that are easily fixed. It’s just a matter of a little extra work.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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He he. I found it kind of funny. Like how he slept with the watermelon?
I liked it. It was very original. I can't figure out what the ending is missing either. *scratches head*. I found he liked the new girl too fast. One minute he's crying over a watermelon named Bob that his old girlfriend gave him, and the next he's okay and he likes new girl. Emotions aren't that simple I'm afraid. So to make it more real you may have to extend that part (or at least give him time before he meets the girl). But then again, this probably wouldn't happen in real life. That's why I found it so amusing.
The best stories are the ones where the author has fun.
Thanks for writing this.

~ Crazy :P
Looking for someone who won't disappoint you?
Look to Jesus.:)




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Hey Rain!
I'll review your story today!

Well, I have to say that this was, by far, the mos interesting story I've read in a long while and to be honest, it was pretty good. I liked it, so *clicks the like button* :wink:

I had a problem though, and it was understanding it. Why? Because you had some problems with your verb tenses and your verb usage. Some of the times you changed the verb from singular to plural or confused it, and that confuses the reader. Other times you changed the tense from past to present and that made the setting confusing.

touching mine as she giving me the water melon

Like here, giving me should be was giving me.

It is something to remind me of her. I am not ready to forget her yet...no, I don't want to forget her

The tenses here were really confusing, I think you should change them all to past tense, because the sentences before were in past. Changing the tenses like this is really confusing and a setback for a story.

I even give it a name

Give should be gave.

Let out a sigh of depression,

Let, should be letting

I set it before me, and talked to it like I was talking to her

I think it would sound better if you said, like I used to talk to her.

. I dreamed of her, like every other night. She was smiling, the way she had smiled when she left me. And then, she walked away from me. I tried to run after her, but I fell, again

Just one little thing here, try to show us more about this dream, try to make it a little more dramatic so we can really feel it.

I can't get it back as I can't get her back

Can't, in both cases, should be couldn't

as if it was came from somewhere else far away.

Came should be coming.

but my shyly smile and my shaking voice betrayed me

shyly should be shy

Then I heard her chuckled .

Chuckled should be chuckle because you're talking about a laugh not the actual verb.

as if wanting to takes the seeds in my hand

takes should be take

Overall, I liked it, it was a very original story and I liked the comparison you made between the weight of the watermelon and the feelings inside of him at that time. It was really good and besides those things I pointed out, I think it was really cool.

Pudin
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

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*facepalm* I knew that I should have do my homework more...I am ESL, you see...but that is no excuse. Thanks for pointing my errors out.
Have been such a long time...I love your reviews so much. Without them, I can't improve my writing like I should. Feel so good to be back on YWS.
Who am I? Just a wanderer, traveling from real life to dreams.

“Writing a book is a very lonely business. You are totally cut off from the rest of the world, submerged in your obsessions and memories.” - Mario Vargas Llosa



Just think happy thoughts and you'll fly.
— Peter Pan