A new home, A new Love ( intro)

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On September, 11 ,2001, the day one of America's greatest symbols, the twin towers, were taken over by terrorists, our world began to swan dive into a dark recession. They started kicking people out of their homes. Taxes and prices went up higher than ever. Then in 2008, my family started to feel the effects of our failing community.

“May Bell, are you OK?” My mother asked from the drivers seat. I fogged out of telling the story, no, dramatic happening, to my self in my head and came back to the present.

“Yes mom, I’m fine,” I told her, not taking my eyes off the wide window beside me, showing the many trees of New England rushing past me.

“ Everything will be fine, just hang in there. You’ll like the Hatstats.” She promised me. I never doubted that. A long-lost family-friend was bound to show up eventually, with my family’s reputation. My family got kicked out of their house by foreclosure, and know my family is being spread across the continental U.S.

My two brothers, Jacan, age eleven, and Akecheta ,age nine, are being sent to Military school, so they can get tuition money. I wouldn’t go with them, even though my parents wanted me to. And my seven-year-old sister, Ainsley, is being sent to our aunts house. (I know my family has uncommon names. But there uncommon names for uncommon people.) I would go with her to, but Ainsley likes to pick fights with me some times.

And that left me, with nowhere to go, and no one wanted me. I was thirteen, and no one liked to take care of teenagers. But I think that’s only an excuse. No one ever really liked me. I was a brat ever since I was born. I was a loud baby. And I still have a loud mouth on my face. I have a label of being a trouble maker. Not at school or anything, but in my family. They aren’t very forgiving. They never see how I’m not like that any more. They never want to watch me.

One of the best songs ever written came on the radio of the taxi. Love Story, by Taylor Swift, didn’t cheer me up though. I usually can’t listen to it with out singing at least one verse. But I didn’t even think about it.

My father found a place for me. I was staying with the Hatstats. They were a family of six, Daisy and Farr, and their children, Aaron, Rebecca, Rachel, and Judah. Aaron is seventeen, Rebecca is fifteen, and the twins, Rachel and Judah, are my age. They had money so they could watch me. Their mom owns a diner and their father is a traveler. He goes all over in the peace core. They live on an island just off the cost of Maine, called Mount Desert Island.

Named for the mountains of no vegetation that rest upon it, Mount Desert Island is filled with many attractions for tourists, and is home of the Acadia National Park. It’s a beautiful place, according to Wikipedia.

“Here we are,” The taxi driver said thin put the vehicle in park. Mom handed him a fifty and we stepped out of the car. I pushed my wavy brunette hair with natural blonde highlights behind my shoulders.

“ Stay here please,” My mom told the driver. I went to the rear of the taxi and opened the trunk. I pulled out a suit case and a carry on that I could find in a bundle of suitcases very quickly with its pink color with black polka-dots. I pulled out the long handles and mom came over and took the carry on.

We walked through the busy parking lot and walked over to a blue ferry. A lady in a blue tank top and jean shorts greeted us. “Age?” She asked me.

“ Thirteen,” I told her. She told me to go up on the top of the boat. I gave mom a hug good bye and told her I loved her.

“ I want to give you something,” Mom told me, she handed me a box wrapped in pink gift wrap paper. “ Don’t open it till you get there. Daisy can help you if they're difficult,” I wondered what they could be, and why they would be difficult. After I told her I loved her, I hugged her goodbye, then I went up the marble white stairs to the top. There was white benches, all rowed in two columns. One the other side of the bout was a little boy with his mother. I kept a distance and sat on the bench. I put my stuff down under my seat.

The boat started to move out to the multiple islands that bored on the horizon. Then it slowly picked up speed. We must have been going about 25 MPH, so I stood up. I walked over to the side of the boat and grabbed the thin bars. I looked towards the biggest island on the horizon. I knew it was my temporary home because Mount Desert is the biggest island off the east coast.

My hair blew in the wind and I felt the cool, salt-breeze lightly push against my face. The boy started to complain to his mom that the salt of the air stung in his eyes. I giggled. I guess that’s the only thing that glasses are good for besides seeing. I pushed my fashionable glasses up my nose further up my nose to prevent looking like a librarian.

I looked down at my pink gift and stocked it with my thumb. Could they be opal earrings my Great Grandma May Bell used to wear? Or Credit Cards? I pushed that idea out of my head, mom thinks I would turn into that lady from Confessions of a Shopaholic.

The bout pulled into the pier and the lowered the ramp. I walked down onto the dock and headed towards Bar Harbor in a crowd of tourists. Then as I hit the road people spread away and I walked onto the sidewalk.

I walked down the row of inns and restaurants and counted them until I reached the 13Th building. At the top of the pink door was a pink sign hanging from a small black pole that read; “ Daisy’s Diner of Love.” Daisy Hatstat’s restaurant was for couples and the family ran it. I peeked through the window. I gasped.
Oh No!!!

post652841.html#p652841 = intro



post652869.html#p652869 =ch 1



post654200.html#p654200 = ch 2 p1



post654804.html#p654804 = ch2 p2



post655535.html#p655535 = ch 2 p3



post656605.html#p656605 = ch 3 p1



post658132.html#p658132 = ch 3 p2



post659320.html#p659320 = ch 4 p1


post660304.html#p660304 = ch 4 p2
Last edited by callmeLily73 on Mon Feb 15, 2010 2:51 pm, edited 6 times in total.
Be yourself
And no one else
dance to the beat
and loose control
Never forget who you are
Be an unforgettable shining star*




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I love it, it's a great beginning.
This is my very first review so bear with me, I like how it's written but it could use a lot more description for example: "That was when America changed. The economy started to weaken, little by little, but no one really seemed to take notice, until now. They started kicking people out of their homes. Taxes and prices went up higher than ever. Then in 2008, my family started to feel the effects of our failing community." you need to have this more exciting, not just about the falling economy like you could do. "On September,11,2001 our world began to plummet into a dark depression." Or something like that, and when she is made to leave her family you should have more feeling because she must have cared about leaving her family behind. Could you please PM me if you write more and I can give you some other tips too. Keep up the good work! Love the cliffhanger I need to know why she said "No!"
"Characters cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." Helen Keller




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here is the first chapter! post652869.html#p652869

thank you for the advise!! :D
Be yourself
And no one else
dance to the beat
and loose control
Never forget who you are
Be an unforgettable shining star*




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Gender Male
Points 15337
Reviews 126
Hi, PenNPaper here to review.
“May Bell, are you OK?” My mother

“ Everything will be fine, May Bell.

Would her mother really call her by her full name two times? May would just be fine.
“ Yes mom, I’m fine.”

There's no need for the space before the 'Yes'.
I was 13

It would be better if you spelled out '13'
“Here we are.” The

“ Stay here please.” My

Remember your punctuation, it's a comma, not a period.
Daisy can help you if there difficult

This isn't proper English, 'they're', maybe?
That's all the mistakes I spotted. The story was well-written and the plot was good, at the last part, there was suspense, which is good.
Keep writing, bye for now!
Writing is all about imagination~




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I liked this story. It's very fitting for the way the economy is right now. You did a great job showing and not telling.

I noticed that you threw a lot of characters at the reader, and that tends to scared off some people. Try to narrow it down to the most necessary ones.

Overall, I liked the storyline, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

-youreit
I smile, because I'd rather have laugh lines than a perma frown. :)




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i liked it . but u do need to go back and edit some parts . u have some spelling error . but other than that it was really good and it left me wanting to read more. :elephant:
"Love is only a chapter in a guy's life , For a girl its the whole book <3 "




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Right, so here's my review.

I like the premise of the story, how they're kicked out due to the economy, how her family is split apart due to all of this... You should watch Michael Moore's Capitalism, as it touches on a lot of this, and could help add to the story.

However, I have some beef with it.

(I no my family has uncommon names. But there uncommon names for uncommon people)


First, it should be 'I know my family has uncommon names, but they're uncommon names for uncommon people'. What makes them uncommon? I have rage for exotic names, mostly because, as I say, how many people have that name, unless there's a good reason behind it? (I remember having a character who was a girl named Edgar Allan Poe because her parents had a thing for Gothic poets.)

Also, you mention that her name is May Bell? Shouldn't it be May Belle? And anyway, wouldn't her parents just call her May or something?
Also, please make her average looking. She's got natural blond highlights in her brunette hair, so cancel that out with having a nose that resembles a ski slope.

Oh No!!! :thud:


Really, never use emoticons in fiction. Unless its in a texting dialogue. Please. Also, Oh No! should be in quotation marks.

Another hunk of beef is that well, you mention pop culture references, which are like pickle; marvelous when just a bit stirred into the curry/narrative, subtly, but then don't work when its an unsubtle glob.
For example: Confessions of a Shopaholic; easily changed to 'the protagonist of every piece of chick lit ever written'. Wikipedia; easily changed to 'The Internet'.
Anyway, show that its her opinion that Love Story is the best song evar! (In my opinion its RockNRola by Nancy Fullforce, currently).

Also, her parents are meant to be poor, right? Explain this:
Mom handed him a fifty

Wouldn't they take cheaper modes of transportation?
This guy is so evil you could put him in between two slices of bread and call him an evil sandwich.

Coming at you like a jetpack Shakespeare.

Hero's Reviews
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic53905.html




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Hello! I'm Kelly and I'll review today...
kk, so generally i liked the story. The title is very nice and it grabs the attention of the reader. I like how you use strange names, as it mixes up the general name-pool. I like your main character, and i like how you've established that she is definitely not a Mary Sue (perfect character)
Some of the wording in your story is kind of strange.
I pushed that idea out of my head, mom thinks I would turn into that lady from Confessions of a Shopaholic.

that sounds a little bit awkward- and it's a comma splice (a comma badly combining 2 sentenced w/o anything else.) Maybe make the "," a ";" or make it "head, as mom"

And my seven-year-old sister, Ainsley, is being sent to our aunts house. (I know my family has uncommon names. But there uncommon names for uncommon people.)

Maybe try to make the section in parenthesis shorter, because it is slightly distracting. I like to use ( and ) occasionally, but they're best in short bursts.

the "Oh No!!!" is pretty cheesy. "All i could think was "o crap/o no" "

:elephant: really cool story line and characters.
I like how you figured out a way to spout information w/o sounding like an encyclopedia
according to Wikipedia.

keep writing!!!
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"
-mary anne radmacher




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:elephant: :elephant: I liked it...pretty interesting...I can't wait to read more... :elephant: :elephant:
"Even in the darkness, my heart will you..."
"How do you escape from yourself?"
"...open your eyes, and see..."

Ikafe




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Very good start to a potentially compelling story.
I like you bring your main character to story the story using her siblings as some what juxtapositions.
Interesting how her parents send all they're children away in different places and she happens to end up with the rich and the rest in otherwise remote places in contrast.
I continue reading the future chapters. And you continue writing.
C.Mejia



No person can be a great leader unless he takes genuine joy in the successes of those under him.
— W. A. Nance