The Prologue. (prologue) not so long anymore!

The Prologue
Kayla’s Story

Beginning

The moon was full. No clouds were in the sky. The girl scuffed her feet along asphalt of the school court yard. She wondered when her friend was coming. He promised to meet her late and it was pretty much that now. She sat down on a bench and started throwing some sandy colored pebbles. As they fell they made a rough crack on the ground. The girl’s phone buzzed in his pocket. “Hello,” she said.
“I’m sorry, Jessica, it wasn’t supposed to be like this, but….” The boy trailed off.
“What do you mean?” she asked confused.
“I have to do this, it’s for your own good,” he said. The boy she was supposed to meet hung up. Confused she looked through her contacts but couldn’t find his number. It was there a second ago. An eerie chill slid down her spine. She sat in the pale moonlight contemplating what she had just heard. A small noise came from across the courtyard. Jessica stood up to go see what it was. Frightened, she spun around. Nothing was there. The hairs on the nape of her neck stood up in terror, sending shivers up her spine. A sudden chilly wind blew her over, scraping roughly against her palms. She gasped, jumping up with horror. The wind gushed harder, roughly pushing her back till her head hit the ground with a loud crack. She yelled out in pain. With great effort, clenching her fists, and biting her lips against the pain, she tried to sit up. She gasped as a screaming pain shot to her temples, blurring her vision. The world spun around her, as she struggled to come to her senses, trying to push the pain aside. A tantalizing terror took hold of her stomach as she saw a dark figure run from behind a tree to another. Her hands shaking, and her heart beating loudly, she stumbled to her feet clumsily. “Who is that?” she called into the night.
“Your worst nightmare,” a voice from hell eerily whispered back. The voice came from behind her. She spun around screaming on the inside. A cloaked figure was on the roof of the school. Suddenly, in the middle of a hot Manchester summer, it started to snow. What the hell was happening? The ground was covered in white powdery snow. She tried to run toward the school wall silently, but the snow made every step a loud crunch. This type of moment was just like a horror movie where a chorus of violins would be building a crescendo. Her footprints in the snow were like a sign saying ‘I’m here!!!!!!!’ the cloaked figure appeared ten feet in front of her. It took its hood off revealing the girls date. Her face went as white as a sheet. Her blood froze and she couldn’t move an inch. She was pushing her self to say something and she finally came out with “You son of a bitch!”
“Really, Jessica, is that the best you can come up with?” he asked shrewdly. He put his hand into his cloak and pulled out a glowing rod the size of his forearm.
“What are you doing? How’d you get that?” he ran toward her and thrust the rod toward Jessica. She flew back into the wall and smashed her head again. The boy swung his rod outward and Jessica, now incapacitated, went flying to the other side of the court yard. She hit a pale sycamore tree. Her head was covered in blood. As he walked toward her limp body the boy smiled wickedly. The boy bent down beside her and aimed the rod to where her heart was. A ball of pale blue light flickered out of Jessica’s body. The boy held the light, a look of genuine pleasure spread across his face. The light now in a crystal bottle attached to his belt glowed brightly. He picked Jessica up with ease and carried her up the tree where he climbed up to the top branch. The two disappeared into the sky, Jessica never to be seen again.


Finally edited!!!!

Hello, Welcome YWS

Unfortunately I don't have the patience to read all of that, nor the time. I would suggest breaking this up into chapters so that this huge amount can be read in installments. Thanks

(I will come back and read some of this later, after school!)

Keep Writing
~Lydia

Yeah sory about that.... I had no time and the site says ican only post 2 woks a day....

anyway sorry. i'll pay forthe eye surgery ifit helps... lol


OLLI

yeah what the other person said - break it up. i cant be stuffed reading all of it. i read the prologue. there is too much telling, not enough showing. my number one rule in writing is show don't tell.

[quote="Olli"]The Prologue
Kayla’s Story

Beginning

The moon was full. No clouds were in the sky. this is telling. showing would be the full moon hung low in the cloudless sky... or something along the lines of that. but dont use that, that's in my novel lol. The girl scuffed her feet along asphalt of the school court yard. She wondered when her friend was coming. again, telling. she could mutter to herself "where is he?" or something coz then we would pick up that she was waiting for some who was lateHe promised to meet her late and it was pretty much that now. She sat down on a bench and started throwing some sandy colored pebbles. As they fell they made a rough crack on the ground. This was where they were supposed to meet. well, yeah. we know thats where they were supposed to meet. you could leave that out. The girl’s phone buzzed in his huh? the girls phone buzzed in his pocket? i'm sure u mean her pocket. pocket. “Hello,” she said sorry but said is boring. answered would be better, coz other wise it goes from her phone buzzing to her saying hello... to herself. u never said she actually answered the phone .
“I’m sorry, Jessica, it wasn’t supposed to be like this, but….” The boy trailed off.
“What do you mean?” she asked confused.
“I have to do this, it’s for your own good,” he said. The boy she was supposed to meet hung up. Confused she looked through her contacts but couldn’t find his number. It was there a second ago. An eerie chill slid down her spine. She sat in the pale moonlight contemplating what she had just heard. A small noise came from across the courtyard. Jessica stood up to go see what it was. Her footsteps were muffled by the sound of her heart beat in her ears. The bush rattled behind her. She spun around. Nothing was there. i like this bit because the suppense was built up pretty well with the short, sharp sentences. they are effective. The hairs on the nape of her neck stood up. A sudden chilly wind blew her over. Her palms were scraped. She stood up but the wind blew harder and her head smacked the ground. She tried to sit up. A screaming pain shot to her temples. She pushed the pain aside when she saw a dark figure run from behind a tree to another. She stood up slowly trying to not make any noise. “Who is that?” she called into the night.
“Your worst nightmare,” a voice from hell eerily whispered back. The voice came from behind her. She spun around screaming on the inside. A cloaked figure was on the roof of the school. Suddenly, in the middle of a hot Manchester summer, it started to snow. What the hell was happening? The ground was covered in white powdery snow. She tried to run toward the school wall silently, but the snow made every step a loud crunch. This type of moment was just like a horror movie where a chorus of violins would be building a crescendo. Her footprints in the snow were like a sign saying ‘I’m here!!!!!!!’ one exclamation mark will do thanks the cloaked figure appeared ten feet in front of her. It took its hood off revealing the girls date. Her face went as white as a sheet. Her blood froze and she couldn’t move an inch. She was pushing her self to say something and she finally came out with “You son of a bitch!”
“Really, Jessica, is that the best you can come up with?” he asked shrewdly. He put his hand into his cloak and pulled out a glowing rod the size of his forearm.
“What are you doing? How’d you get that?” he ran toward her and thrust the rod toward Jessica. She flew back into the wall and smashed her head again. The boy swung his rod outward and Jessica, now incapacitated, went flying to the other side of the court yard. She hit a pale sycamore tree. Her head was covered in blood ur telling too much. we dont want to be told whats happening, we want to be shown so we can see it. how bout blood trickled down her forehead or something? otherwisde its kinda boring. As he walked toward her limp body the boy smiled wickedly. The boy you can replace that with 'he' because you used 'the boy' two words previously. we know who u mean bent down beside her and aimed the rod to where her heart was. A ball of pale blue light flickered out of Jessica’s body. The boy held the light, a look of genuine pleasure spread across his face. The light now in a crystal bottle attached to his belt glowed brightly. He picked Jessica up with ease and carried her up the tree where he climbed up to the top branch. The two disappeared into the sky, Jessica was never to be seen again.

all in all it was pretty good. u just need 2 work on showing it instead of telling it. ur better than a lot of kids ur age. im 13 and all of my friends are 14 coz i skipped a grade and they all write like 5 year olds. so be uplifted by the fact ur better at writing than a lot of 14 year olds. you have talent. keep it up. a way to help ur writing skills is reading a lot. reading different styles of novels can help you find ur own style. i hope i've helped u

Hello again!

Much like what the person above said, you do a bit too much telling. But other than this I think its going to be a good read, I just really have not the patience. I read the prologue and a little bit of chapter 1 and gave up! Sorry, I am impatient

I tink that you would benifit from reading some bits and pieces and then you would get the whole grasp of the showing vs telling thing!

Anyway, Well Done, what I read is good, I think the person above got in the not-picks from what I read. So well done!

Keep Writing

Hey guys, thenks for your advice! I love people who nit-pick so don't be shy! Umm the part where it says "Jessica never to be seen again" is on purpose. the 'was' isn't what i want sorry lonewolf. wheni editii'll start to 'show' what i mean. P.s. I do read a fair bit and i likes hort sentencing. It givs me chilswhen i read it.


Thanks again
-Twelvy (olli)

P.S. ifyou want to read it separately i can pm you half a chapter at a time

Hi!

That was quite eerie. You've managed to hook me, and I would very much like to read the rest. Thats an excellent way to start a story, to hook your reader right away.

Showing versus telling.
Everyone goes on about it, and the reviewers above me mentioned it as well. But I think that's where the writing could be vastly improved. It can be really difficult to distinguish when we get to 'tell-y' in our writing. For me the problem usually occurs when a scene is playing really vividly in my mind, and I want to some quickly get across what it's like. I start telling, rather than letting the scene play along itself, using descriptions, body language of the characters, thoughts, and dialogues. Sometimes you forget to even describe that. For instance when Jessica is being flung around and battered, you don't go too much into depth what exactly is going through her mind, her horror, the pain. You quickly tellus in a few places, but I have a hard time putting myself into Jessica's shoes. You need to be able to get your reader to feel the pain.

Lets look at an example from your writing:

She spun around. Nothing was there. The hairs on the nape of her neck stood up. A sudden chilly wind blew her over. Her palms were scraped. She stood up but the wind blew harder and her head smacked the ground. She tried to sit up. A screaming pain shot to her temples. She pushed the pain aside when she saw a dark figure run from behind a tree to another. She stood up slowly trying to not make any noise. “Who is that?” she called into the night.

The phrases I've put in bold are the ones that I really like. You are showing us, not telling. But you do that very briefly. I need more.
It could be worded so:

Frightened, she spun around. Nothing was there. The hairs on the nape of her neck stood up in terror, sending shivers up her spine. A sudden chilly wind blew her over, scraping roughly against her palms. She gasped, jumping up with horror. The wind gushed harder, roughly pushing her back till her head hit the ground with a loud thud. She yelled out in pain. With great effort, clenching her fists, and biting her lips against the pain, she tried to sit up. She gasped as a screaming pain shot to her temples, blurring her vision. The world spun around her, as she struggled to come to her senses, trying to push the pain aside. A tantalizing terror took hold of her stomach as she saw a dark figure run from behind a tree to another. Her hands shaking, and her heart beating loudly, she stumbled to her feet as quietly as possible. (I noticed that she gets up trying not to make any noise, but then calls out loudly, bringing attention to herself. Why was she trying to be quiet in the first place?)

Notice the difference. Usually first drafts don't contain as many descriptions because we are in a hurry to get our story and images down on the paper before they slip away. so always review your writing afterwards and flesh things out where you feel more description and showing would do.

Another thing that's really helpful is if you revise and proofread your work carefully. I think there were many small mistakes that you would have noticed yourself, such as:

The girl’s phone buzzed in his pocket.

Can't wait to read the rest! Happy writing!

Hey Olli,
I won't really brush on the topic of showing instead of telling because you've been told about it enough. Just that I agree because a lot of this I couldn't see, and that's never a good thing.

My issue was your repetition.

Olli wrote:“I have to do this, it’s for your own good,” he said. The boy she was supposed to meet hung up. Confused she looked through her contacts but couldn’t find his number. It was there a second ago. An eerie chill slid down her spine. She sat in the pale moonlight contemplating what she had just heard. A small noise came from across the courtyard. Jessica stood up to go see what it was. Frightened, she spun around. Nothing was there. The hairs on the nape of her neck stood up in terror, sending shivers up her spine. A sudden chilly wind blew her over, scraping roughly against her palms. She gasped, jumping up with horror. The wind gushed harder, roughly pushing her back till her head hit the ground with a loud crack. She yelled out in pain. With great effort, clenching her fists, and biting her lips against the pain, she tried to sit up. She gasped as a screaming pain shot to her temples, blurring her vision. The world spun around her, as she struggled to come to her senses, trying to push the pain aside. A tantalizing terror took hold of her stomach as she saw a dark figure run from behind a tree to another. Her hands shaking, and her heart beating loudly, she stumbled to her feet clumsily. “Who is that?” she called into the night.

Do you see what I mean? Obviously she's scared and in pain. You don't have to state it with every sentence.

olli wrote:Suddenly, in the middle of a hot Manchester summer, it started to snow. What the hell was happening? The ground was covered in white powdery snow. She tried to run toward the school wall silently, but the snow made every step a loud crunch. This type of moment was just like a horror movie where a chorus of violins would be building a crescendo. Her footprints in the snow were like a sign saying ‘I’m here!!!!!!!’ the cloaked figure appeared ten feet in front of her.

If it just starting snowing, then when she stepped it really doesn't make sense that her foot steps would crunch.

And the fact that they did crunch is enough to let you know that it's going to blow her cover and let her...be heard basically. You don't need the two similies afterwards. If you honestly think of someone in that situation, they're not going to be thinking "Hey this reminds me of those moments in horror movies...." It's more realistic that they're going to be freaking out and frustrated. You get me?

You don't want to dumb down your story for your readers. It insults the intelligence of your readers. Think about what she would do and what she would think, and then write it like that. Let us take on the challenge of reading it so we can appreciate it for what you intended it to be.

Overall, I really did like it though. You've set up a really good plot here and it keeps everyone wondering. "Who is this guy? What's with the rod? Where did they go? Is Jessica okay? etc" And that's a good thing. You built up suspense and got right into the action which is awesome! I'd love to see where you go with this

Keep on writing!
-Lindsay