Kaelynne's LOve Story

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Chapter 1
My name is Kaelynne Marie Caley, I’m Fifteen years old ,I'm a freshman at Eaton High school. I have Pale blue eyes and golden blonde hair down to my shoulders. My body is thin as a rale with zero curves or baby fat. I’m the oldest of all my friends because I stayed back in 4Th grade because I transferred to Eaton. I transferred from a private school back in Germany. All my friends have had boyfriends and first kisses.Whenever I see a girl and a guy in the hallway I get extremely jealous and depressed. I always on a daily basis imagine that I am like one of those girls with a boyfriend walking down the hallway to my class and getting a kiss from them before I walk into my class. My friends all have boyfrineds they tell me that it would help my self confidence if i had a boyfriend . They complement you and say cheezy but cute things in your ear.My friend Rae says I should talk to more boys and get them to notice me. Easy for her to say she is blonde like me but she is skinny but bot the skinny that shows all the ribs. She has curves, abs and a butt to fill out her jeans.All the boys notice her and she doesn’t even have to try . So today I decided to do what she told me walk up to a guy and talk to him. So I did I walked up to this boy whose name is Christopher Alpine. He actually started talking to me and was listening to what I was saying. He didn’t make an excuse at the first chance he had to make me leave. We actually had a conversation for an hour. He asked me simple questions like:

What grade I was in and I told him Nineth. He told me he was in tenth. We talked for a long while and found out that we had a lot of things in common. Like both of us like the color is green, we have a younger sister and older brothers, and we both hated the twilight movie , but absolutely loved the books.

A week later I started dating Chris.He asked me if I wanted to go to the movies on Saturday. I told him I had to ask my parents. On Saturday he came to my house and met my parents. We went to the movies and saw my sister’s keeper. It was a sweet movie about a girl that helps her sick sister with cancer. He only brought me to see that movie so I would cry and he could comfort me, but it was sweet and was the most amazing feeling I’ve ever felt. At the end of the movie we stayed in our seats until everyone else left. I got up and he kissed me. I was so shocked afterwards that I couldn't move for like five minutes. He waited very patiently for the shock to wear off because he knew it was my first kiss.

That night I was on the phone with Chris for over 5 hours I only got off because it was three in the morning and I was dead tried. We talked about a lot of things,I told him that when he kissed me I was shocked and happy because it was my first. He told me I was only his second and that his first girlfriend died of leukemia 2 years ago. I told him I was sorry. I told him I was originally from Germany and I transferred to Eaton. He said that made me even better because Germany was his favorite country. He told me I was very beautiful and that other guys liked me they just were scared to talk to a very beautiful German girl. He said it was their bad now because he'z got me now. We talked about our favorite movies, music, and food etc. We told each other about our childhood and the hard times in our lives. He told me his father was in jail. I told him that I had almost killed myself when I was 12 yrs old because I didn’t belong and I hated myself and I was told I was ugly and fat by my own father and I started to starve myself. I got so skinny at one time that I was in the hospital for over 6 month just to get back to a normal weight. He told me he would never tell me I was fat or ugly even if we broke up. He promised to meet me outside the school before and after school and that he would skip his class at my lunch time to come see me. I told him not to skip to much time because I didn’t want him to get in trouble for me. He said I was totally worth getting in trouble for you.

The following day I saw him waiting outside ofthe school with a box of chocolates my ultimate favorite food.

“You didn’t have to get me chocolates.”

“I wanted to and it’s my money so I’ll buy you whatever I want.”

“Thanks I’ll eat those for lunch.”

“Is that all you have for lunch”

“Yeah ,I don’t have anything else.”

“I’ll give you money or Ican take you out somewhere to get lunch.”

“I don’t think we are allowed to leave school during lunch.”

“I don’t care, I don’t want to be in school and you need to eat lunch anyways.”

“I don’t need to eat; I can go home and eat a snack before dinner.”

“I think it’s important for you to eat and I'm going to put some meat on your bones.”

“I’m not that skinny and skipping one meal is not a problem.”

“I’m taking you out to lunch because I want to leave school and you need proper meal for lunch, Missy.”

“We can go to Wendy's I’ll get a cheeseburger and fries and a junior frosty.”

“Ok, see you at lunch time meet me at the entrance to the café.”

“Ok, bye see you later now go to class now and try not to get into trouble please.”

So Kaelynne goes to her biology class and sits with Rae. Rae starts to question her before she even has time to sit.

“Where have you been, you haven’t been sitting with us all week and I didn’t see you this morning. Who were you with?”

“I haven’t been sitting with you because I was sitting with my boyfriend and I was with him this morning at the front of the school, he gave me a box of chocolates and he is taking me to Wendy's for lunch.”

“That’s so sweet you have your first boyfriend what’s his name, is he nice to you, and what grade is he in.”

“Wow hundred questions much. He’s name is Christopher Alpine. He’s a tenth grader and he is very nice to me.”

“ You said he was taking out for lunch and that he bought you chocolates , I wish my boyfriend was like that he should take lesons from Chris .Your first boyfriend and you get lucky with a perfect gentlemen.No fair!“

“You’re jealous of me. Your boyfriend is sweet and your boyfriend can’t take lesson from Chris because he’ll be spending all his time with me. “ Kaelynne starts to laugh because she never thought Rae would be jealous of her.

“You don’t share, are you ever going to sit with us at lunch tell him he has to share you. I had you first I call dibs.”

“I’ll tell him were going to sit with you tomorrow. I don’t have to share he’s mine ,yo u have a boyfriend already.”

“Ok, but you better sit with me I miss you! You’re my best friend and I need someone to tell girl stuff to.”

“We need to pay attention now the teacher is doing notes now talk to you later on tonight.”

“Okay were going to talk later whether Chris likes it or not.”


Their teacher mr.Zebu start to talk and the class becomes quiet. Mr. Zebu was starting a new lesson on genetics . He turns on his smart board and tells us to start taking the notes on the board. While they take the notes Mr.Zebu reads what is on the board and explains some of the stuff in more detail that we don’t need to write down.

Kaelynne goes through the rest of her morning classes and then meets Chris at the cafeteria to go out for lunch. Chris stands their and waits while Kaelynne walk to the cafeteria from her before lunch class .

“Hey Kaelynne , ready to go to lunch.”

“ I’m really not that hungry we don’t need to go out for lunch. “

“ you are going to eat something fries , a frosty , or a cheeseburger . I want to buy you lunch. I'm your boyfriend it's entailed in my job.”

“Okay lets go but we can’t be out that long because I don’t want to get into trouble . My parents will get mad and blame you and say you are a bad influence on me.”

“ I promise I won’t get you into trouble . What kind of boyfriend would I be if you got into trouble and it was my fault.”

Kaelynne and Chris walk out to the parking lot where Chris’ car is parked. He walked over to her side and opens her door.

“ You don’t have to open my door . only if you want to.”

“ I don’t mind you’re a girl and it the gentle man thing to do. “

“ Okay , I’m going to have to get used to that. I’m used to doing things myself. I’m also not used to people caring if I eat or not . But I think I like it.”

“ Thanks I like caring about you . I think you are something special.”

“ Wow no one has ever said that to me before. It’s strange to me.”

Kaelynne and Chris go to Wendy's and get a chocolate frosty to share and each get a cheeseburger.Then they head back to the school and Chris brings Kaelynne to her next class . After school Kaelynne and Chris go to the park and walk around the track holding hands . They walk and talk for 2 hours then Chris drives Kaelynne home so she can do her homework.

“ Wait I have to tell you something . Tomorrow were going to sit with my friend Rae . She wants me to sit with her she says you monopolize me.So please she’s nice and she’s my best friend so I want you to get along with her. So will you sit with me at lunch tomorrow.”
Last edited by Whitedwarf3821 on Fri Jan 29, 2010 5:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Love is only a chapter in a guy's life , For a girl its the whole book <3 "




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First, I love the name of the caracter. Very cool name.
Second, I love the story, I love how you bring a girl in depression into a world of love. I true inspireing story! I can relate to the character in the story, this really touches me!
So update soon! And message me when you do! I mean it! :D :) :lol: :wink:
Be yourself
And no one else
dance to the beat
and loose control
Never forget who you are
Be an unforgettable shining star*




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Hi White!

Welcome to YWS!
Lava here to review. It's a good piece and I like it that your MC isn't gorgeous but this really needs to be edited.
I noticed a few chatspeak thrown in here and there; avoid them. It ruins the story unless you're planning to write one entirely through Twitter or something.
Let's jump down to reviewing. I shall bold stuff that need to be taken care of.

Whitedwarf3821 wrote:Chapter 1
My name is Kaelynne Marie Caley, I’m 15fifteen years old and I am a freshman at Eaton High school. I’m the oldest of all my friends because I stayed back in 4Thfourth. Never use numbers unless it's a huge number or some title. grade because I transferred to the town of Eaton. Before that I was going to a private school in Germany. I’m the only one out of my friends who has never had a boyfriend or their first kiss. All my friends make me jealous because they have boyfriends to tell them they are pretty and to protect them from danger in the hallwaysdanger in the hallwaysd sounds a little over dramatic.. They have their boyfriends to walk them down the hallways to their next class. But I have no one; I’m what they call a loner .I walk down the hallways with my head down staring at the floor.
The first para was not really good start. I want you too show me things. Like describe here appearance, her style etc. Don't give it out like a description.

My friend Rae says I should talk to more boys and get them to notice me. Easy for her to say. She is blonde and skinny. All the boys notice her and she doesn’t even have to try. So today I decided to do what she told me go straight up to the - Just a typo boy and talk to him. So I did I walked up to this boy whose name is Christopher Alpine. He actually started talking to me. He didn’t make an excuse to make me leave him alone. We actually had a conversation for an hour. He asked me simple questions.

He asked me what grade I was in and I told him 9thWrite out numbers again, dear.. He told me he was in 10th. We talked for a while and found out that we had a lot of things in common. Like both of our favorite color is green, we have had Wrong tenses here. Should just be have a younger sister and older brother, and we both hated the Twilight movie because they totally messed up the movie and put things in the wrong order.

A week later I started dating Chris; he asked me after school that Friday. He asked me to go to the movies for our first date. I told him I had to ask my parents. On Saturday he came to my house and met my parents. We went to the movies and saw my Sister’s Keeper. Capitalize movie names. It was a sweet movie about a girl that helps her sick sister with cancer. He only brought me to the movies so I would cry and he could comfort me, but it was sweet and was the most amazing feeling I’ve ever felt. At the end of the movie we stay in our seats until everyone else left. I went to getAwkwardly phrased here. You don't 'go' anywhere to get up. You should just type : 'I got up to leave...' up and he kissed me. I was so shocked afterwards that he didn’t move until I said something.

That night I was on the phone with Chris for over 5 hourfive hours but I had to get off because it was 3 am and I was so tried. We talked about a lot of things I told him that when he kissed me I was shocked and happy because it was my first. He told me I was only his second and that his first girlfriend died of leukemia 2 years ago. I told him I was sorry. I told him I was originally from Germany and I transferred to Eaton. He said that made me even better because Germany was his favorite country. He told me I was very beautiful and that other guys liked me they just were scared to talk to a very beautiful German girl. He said it was their bad now because he got me now. We talked about our favorite movies, music, and food. We told each other about our childhood and the hard times in our lives. He told me his father was in jail. I told him that I had almost killed myself when I was 12 yrsNo short forms, dear. old because I didn’t belong and I hated myself and I was told I was ugly and fat by my father and I started to starve myself. I got so skinny at one time that I was in the hospital for over 6 month just to get back to a normal weight. He told me he would never tell me I was fat or ugly even if we broke up. He promised to meet me outside the school before and after school and that he would skip his class at my lunch time to come see me. I told him not to skip to much time because I didn’t him to get in trouble for me.

The following day I saw him waiting outside of Eaton high schoolYou don't need to mention the name of the school. You could just say school. with a box of chocolates cause I told him that was my favorite food.
“You didn’t have to get me chocolates.”

“I wanted to and it’s my money so I’ll buy you whatever I want.”

“Thanks I’ll eat those for lunch.”

“Is that all u you have for lunch”

“Yeah I don’t have anything else.”

“I’m going to give you money or I’ll take you out somewhere to get lunch.”

“I don’t think we are allowed to leave school during lunch.”

“I don’t care, I don’t want school forI don't get what you've written and you need to eat lunch.”

“I don’t need to eat; I can go home and eat a snack before dinner.”

“I think it’s important to eat and yourIt's you're not your skinny and need meat on your bones.”

“I’m not that skinny and skipping one meal is not a problem.”

“I’m taking you out to lunch because I care about you, so where do you wanna go.”

“We can go to McDonalds and I’ll get a cheeseburger and fries.”

“Ok, see you at lunch time meet me at the entrance to the café.”

“Ok, bye see you later go to class now and try not to get into trouble please.”

So Kaelynne goes to her biology class and sits with Rae. Rae starts to question her a lot.

“Where have you been, you haven’t been sitting with us all week and I didn’t see you this morning. Who were you with?”

“I haven’t been sitting with you because I was sitting with my boyfriend and I was with him this morning at the front of the school, he gave me flowers and said he would take me to McDonalds for lunch.”

“That’s sweet you have your first boyfriend what’s his name, is he nice to you, and what grade is he in.” Use question marks

“Wow hundred questions much. He’s name is Christopher Alpine. He’s a tenth grader and he is very nice to me.”

“ You said he was taking out for lunch and that he bought you chocolates , I wish my boyfriend was like that he should take lesions from Chris . “

“You’re jealous of me. Your boyfriend is sweet and your boyfriend can’t take lesion from Chris because he’ll be spending all his time with me. “* starts to laugh* Don't type things like this. You could say "she said, laughing a little.

“You don’t share, are you ever going to sit with us at lunch tell him he has to share you.”

“I’ll tell him were going to sit with you tomorrow. I don’t have to share he’s mine.”

“Ok you better sit with me I miss you. You’re my best friend and I need someone to tell girl stuff too.”

“We need to pay attention now the teacher is doing notes now talk to you later on tonight.”

“Okay were going to talk later whether Chris likes it or not.”

Their teacher zebu Is it a name? Capitalize if it is start to talk and the class becomes quiet. Mr. Zebu was starting a new lesson on genetics . He turns on his smart board and tells us to start taking the notes on the board. While they take the notes Mr.Zebu reads what is on the board and explains some of the stuff in more detail that we don’t need to write down.

Kaelynne goes through the rest of her morning classes and then meets Chris at the cafeteria to go out for lunch. Chris stands their and waits while Kaelynne walk to the cafeteria from her last class .

“Hey Kaelynne , ready to go to lunch.”

“ I’m really not that hungry we don’t need to go out for lunch. “

“ you are going to eat something fries , a shake , or a cheeseburger . I want to buy you lunch.”

“Okay lets go but we can’t be out that long cause I don’t want to get into trouble . My parents will get mad and blame you and say you are a bad influence on me.”

“ I promise I won’t get you into trouble . What kind of boyfriend would I be if you got into trouble and it was my fault.”

Kaelynne and Chris walk out to the parking lot where Chris’ car is parked. He walked over to her side and opens her door.

“ You don’t have to open my door . Only if you want to.”

“ I don’t mind you’re a guy and it the gentle man thing to do. “

“ Okay , I’m going to have to get used to that. I’m used to doing things myself. I’m also not used to people caring if I eat or not . But I think I like that you care.”

“ Thanks I like caring about you . I think you are something special.”

“ Wow no one has ever said that to me before. It’s strange to me.”

Kaelynne and Chris go to McDonalds and get a chocolate milkshake to share and each get a cheeseburger.Then they head back to the school and Chris brings Kaelynne to her next class . after school Kaelynne and Chris go to the park and walk around the track holding hands . They walk and talk for 2 hours then Chris drives Kaelynne home so she can do her homework.

“ Wait I have to tell you something . Tomorrow were going to sit with my friend Rae . she wants me to sit with her she says you monopolize me.So please she’s nice and she’s my best friend so I want you to get along with her.”


Overall: It was a good try but you need to edit a lot. I notice you are weak in grammar. You can PM me if you have any questions. Also; there isn't anything that hooks me into the story. This sounds a little plain. You should try to describe things in details. You seem to jump from sentences. I'm not saying it's fast paced, I'm saying you need to bring about a flow in your sentences.
On your dialogues: You could improve upon them. These kids sound a little too formal. Make it more teenage-ish. I mean the way you say things. For example, it would sound more realistic if Chris says "How about McD's then?" or something like that.

Sorry if I sound harsh. :) Remember to take critiques constructively. We're all here to help you out. Make sure you review others' works too. It will help you improve.

Anyway, keep writing.
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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You are crazy!!!!!!!!! :D
"Best friends come and go..but Sisters are always there"




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Hey White Dwarf :)

I’m the oldest of all my friends because I stayed back in 4Th grade because I transferred to the town of Eaton. - I don't like the repetition of because here. I would always be careful when repeating certain words in close proximity. Here it just doesn't flow well.

I’m the only one out of my friends who has never had a boyfriend or their first kiss. - I think this may be better written like 'I'm the only one out of my friends who has never had a boyfriend...or a first kiss.' Otherwise it becomes a bit confusing. The 'their' threw me off a bit to begin with because I thought she meant someone other than herself.

All my friends make me jealous because they have boyfriends to tell them they are pretty and to protect them from danger in the hallways. They have their boyfriends to walk them down the hallways to their next class. - This is a bit like a repetition of the same sort of statement. I would try to meld these two sentences into one.

But I have no one; I’m what they call a loner .I walk down the hallways with my head down staring at the floor. - Just a small thing. There is a space before one of your periods.

Easy for her to say she is blonde and skinny all the boys notice her and she doesn’t even have to try . So - The period thing happens here aswell.

So today I decided to do what she told me go straight up to them boy and talk to him. - The phrase 'them boy' doesn't sound quite right, perhaps something like "go straight up to some boys and talk to them" or "go straight up to a boy and talk to him".

Like both of our favorite color is green, we have had a younger sister and older brother - The way you have phrased this is pretty awkward. It's difficult to read through and makes the sentence kind of clunky. Something like "We both loved green and had a little sister and older brother." Just think about restructuring the sentence to make it come across more clearly.

I told his I had to ask my parents. - I think you meant "I told him I had to ask my parents."

We went to the movies and saw my sister’s keeper. - I think it should be in capitals "My Sister's Keeper."

but it was sweet and was the most amazing feeling I’ve ever felt. - Try using another way to describe this other than "feeling I've felt". It's kind of redundant. If she has a feeling we know she probably felt it. You could even just cut off the end of the sentence. Again you are just repeating a statement.

At the end of the movie we stay in our seats until everyone else left. - You switched tense in this sentence. It probably should be "we stayed in our seats"

That night I was on the phone with Chris for over 5 hour - Five hours

I told him that when he kissed me I was shocked - This again is a repetition of something you already said. Not as obvious this time though.

He told me I was only his second and that his first girlfriend died of leukemia 2 years ago. I told him I was sorry. I told him I was originally from Germany and I transferred to Eaton. - Wait, what? That was kind of an abrupt way to tell the reader that. Not very subtle and then you just moved on so quickly from it. Try to avoid doing things like these. Try to work that kind of information imaginatively into the plot rather than just stating them so plainly like that and then not giving it any consideration afterwards.

He said it was their bad now because he got me now. - Again repetition.

I told him that I had almost killed myself when I was 12 yrs old because I didn’t belong and I hated myself and I was told I was ugly and fat by my father and I started to starve myself. I got so skinny at one time that I was in the hospital for over 6 month just to get back to a normal weight. - Again this is just too blunt and seems to have no after effect or invoke any sort of valid reaction from either character.

The following day I saw him waiting outside of Eaton high school with a box of chocolates cause I told him that was my favorite food. - We already know it's at Eaton high school, so you can just say 'school' once you have established that.

“I don’t care, I don’t want school for and you need to eat lunch.” - This doesn't really make sense and I'm not sure what you were trying to say.

“You’re jealous of me. Your boyfriend is sweet and your boyfriend can’t take lesion from Chris because he’ll be spending all his time with me. “* starts to laugh* - First of all I think you meant 'lesson' and second you can't really do this asterisk thing in prose like you can in chat. It should probably be 'She started to laugh.'

“I’ll tell him were going to sit with you tomorrow. I don’t have to share he’s mine.” - 'We're' not 'were'.

“We need to pay attention now the teacher is doing notes now talk to you later on tonight.” - Repetition of 'now'.

Their teacher zebu start to talk and the class becomes quiet. - 'started to talk'.

Chris stands their and waits while Kaelynne walk to the cafeteria from her last class . - 'there' not 'their'. 'walked' not 'walk'.

“Hey Kaelynne , ready to go to lunch.” - This should have a question mark at the end.

“ you are going to eat something fries , a shake , or a cheeseburger . I want to buy you lunch.” - Needs a capital at the beginning.

“ I promise I won’t get you into trouble . What kind of boyfriend would I be if you got into trouble and it was my fault.” - This should also have a question mark at the end too.

He walked over to her side and opens her door. - 'opened' not 'opens'.

“ I don’t mind you’re a guy and it the gentle man thing to do. “ - I think you meant 'you're a girl'

after school Kaelynne and Chris go to the park and walk around the track holding hands . - Need to capitalise the beginning of the sentence.

Character - Your characters are lacking somewhat. I don't feel connected enough with the main characters, because the way you write somewhat distances me from the story. You need to draw a reader into your character's head, especially if you are writing in first person and at the moment there just isn't enough of feeling expressed by the main character. She feels very dry and unrelatable. I think that you have the ingredients there. You write what her personality is like at the beginning and you tell us about her past but you do it in an incorrect way. You need to be more subtle about the past and construct it more into the plot so that it is slowly revealed and conveyed to the reader. You also need to show us what she is like, in her dialogue and the way she behaves. It is that typical 'show don't tell'. Your characters are also very one dimensional and don't really have much depth to them. They don't leap off the page and into your imagination, they are just a little flat. One thing you could do to help you get a more clear view of your characters is do a character biog. This is where you write everything about your character. Who they are, what their personality is, what do they look like? This way you can get into the character's mind set more. As I said I think you definitely have most of the ingredients there, you just need to convey them better within the story.

Pacing - Your pacing is pretty slow, perhaps a bit too slow. Not alot happens in this chapter or at least it feels that way. This may also have something to do with the way you write. I think you also dwell on the wrong events within the chapter. You spend alot of time on their phone conversation but less time with them in the cinema. I think you need to reassess what you place importance on within your chapters. I also think you may need to cut certain moments out to streamline the pacing more and make it not feel as long to read.

Dialogue - Your dialogue really isn't that good. The way you write it makes all your characters sound the same and that is not good. The dialogue should be individual for each character and convey something of their personality. Also as Lava pointed out, it is a bit too formal. People don't really talk like that, they talk in colloquial terms and not perfect English. Also I think you go a bit long without any sort of dialogue tag to explain to the reader what is happening. If you need more help with your dialogue you can go to an article about how to write better dialogue HERE.

Description - It needs a bit of work. It is a bit clunky and doesn't flow that well. You have some good content but you jump about a bit too much and you don't give things enough time to develop within the story or for the readers. So I think you need to go back and reassess how you construct your sentences at a basic level. Go and read books or review other people's work. It really does help you realise how you can construct things to make them sound better.

Overall I think this story could be good but you have to edit very carefully and consider all the things you have been told. This story needs quite a bit of work and I don't just mean reworking what you have written already but I think you need to work on some preparation materials. Like character biogs and plot outlines, just to get the story straight in your head. I think if you do that this story could be good!

If you have any questions then just PM me! :)

Hope that helped!

Bex x
'The creation of a single world comes from a huge number of fragments and chaos.' - Hayao Miyazaki




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Thanx for the review and comments please read it again cause i have reedited it and i think it sounds alot better . But there are still place i have to reword but can't think of the way at the moment. i post the second part of chapter 1 please read it goes along with this part and The plot gets better I promise :smt003
"Love is only a chapter in a guy's life , For a girl its the whole book <3 "




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Hello White!

I see that everyone has pulled this apart already so I'll just say that I liked it. You portrayed the emotion of the only girl without a boyfriend very well. This is very common, in fact I am the only single girl in my tutor at the moment, but I have gone out with guys before. :D

Anyways, well done! This was good, I'll go off and read the next part now. :)
Keep Writing
~Lydia
Thinking about what you COULD achieve will get you no where. You've got to chase your dreams.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=188&t=92400 - Need a review?



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