Sheild Maiden

<- cute don't you think? Anyway I'm new here and I've been reading through some of the stories posted. Let me just say they're absolutly amazing, and they are totally making me want to write right now. I decided I'd do a post, just take a random thought in my head and write it down. Most times when I do this it doesn't turn into much, but if you guys like it I'll be more then happy to continue on with the story.

Delilah stood in the courtyard, at the edge of the coi pond, the wind gently pulling at her hair. She felt the wieght of the ring on her hand and she wished, not for the frist time that day, that she could take it off and chuck it into the water at her feet. But she feared for the coi and what the silver would do to the water and to them. And also she feared her father's wrath. This betrothal was one he had approved of. If Delilah tossed it away now he would be furious.
She turned away from the pond with a sigh. Staring into its blue-green depths and wishing she could throw away her complicated life as sheild maiden wasn't going to get her anywhere. She was a lady of the court of Glapalos. And she must stand strong for her country. A picture of dignity in this shameful place. A maiden now promised to be the pleasure and entertainment of Sir Ceaser. Forever.
It was a lonsome thought. Even if it was for the good of her people. To live forever with a man whom she didn't love. To forever be pledged to a man she nothing about.
She shook her head, trying to clear of these treacherous thoughts and walked briskly towards her families chanbers. She was supposed to be meeting Sir Ceaser there in an hour. She needed to freshen up for him. She walked into the chanbers, gathered her handmaids and withdrew into her room. With the assistence of her maids she removed her morning gown and replaced it with a simple evening gown. Sir Ceaser had promised to take her to dinner at a little kitchen in town. He wanted to get her away from the crowds of the lords and lsdies that ate with the royal family. Tomrrow was their wedding feast and the nest day the wedding and he wanted her for himself for once, instead of fighting the questioning court for his beloved's attention.
And Delilah knew that he loved her but she knew nothing of him, except for his politics in court. She shook her head again. maybe tonight would change that. Maybe she could learn to love him. It wasn't like he was a horrible man that she completly despised.


So that's what I got. Not a lot but I can change that if you want. I would sure enjoy so crits. I don't really let people read my stuff so it would be cool to know what people think of it. Also I apoligize for the bad spelling I suck at it. Thanks so much.

Hey!

First welcome to YWS. I recently joined this month and already I love this sight. I'm glad you've been inspired by the many writers here and I am glad that I could be your first reviewer. On to the review...

Basically I am going to have to say it was fairly good for being written on the spot. My thoughts were mixed as a whole I thought it was very good, but quite short. The descriptive sentence were pretty well written. I usually don't do this but here are some nitpicks.

If Delilah tossed it away now he would be furious

I don't think the "now" was needed.

and wishing she could throw away her complicated life as a sheild maiden

You need the letter "a" in there and the word 'sheild' should be shield.

A maiden now promised to be the pleasure and entertainment of Sir Ceaser. Forever.

A comma should replace the period before forever.

To forever be pledged to a man she knew nothing about.

Add the word "knew"

Sir Ceaser had promised to take her to dinner at a little kitchen in town.

I don't think it would be called a kitchen try finding the word for what dinners were called back then.


Overall I really liked it for such a rushed piece. It was very good and I know I would like to see a longer more thought out story. This post has intrigued me and so if you do decide to post a longer more thought out story maybe make it the second part of this.

Hope I helped,

~DayDreams

Hi there shineondiamondeyes. I'm Conrad, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

So, this is too short, in my opinion. You really need to expand on this. You have quite a bit of conflict here, a good start for any story. What needs to happen now is for this conflict to play out. There's no climax here, just some doddering realizations and then an unsatisfying ending. Give us something worth while, please.

Just polish that part up though, along with some spelling and grammar issues, and you should be fine. PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hi, it's PenNPaper here.

at the edge of the coi pond, the wind gently pulling at her hair

How about saying 'with the wind pulling gently at her hair'?

sheild maiden

There's spell check, so remember to check your spelling for 'sheild', it should be 'shield'.

Overall it's a pretty good story you have here, you were very descriptive.

Bye for now!

Thanks everyone so much. I know this was really short but I only could devote so much time to it. So I guess I can work on length and stuff. Expect more work soon.

Hey Shine!
I'll review your story today.
Nice storyline, really nice you've got an interesting idea going on here. Maybe if you expand it a bit more and give us some more description and characterization, this could be great.
The conflict that you have going on is great, really interesting, but there have been stories like this before so you have to think on what will make your story different and how it will stand out.
Something that I consider a setback in your story is the punctuation and grammar mistakes. Also, you had a lot of typos in you story and that made the story difficult to understand. I would point them out but I think that is something you should learn to do for yourself.
This was really short but I think that if you really want o continue the story, this would serve well as a prologue.

And welcome to YWS, if you need any help, just PM.