Shark Bake

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 790
Reviews 14
Shark Bake
The car swerves down the tiny, winding road near the coast. Green, leafy trees provide a barrier along the street, and a fiery sun shimmers off the water.
The wind blows a little, and the trees sway. In the distance, one can see the faint shoreline dotted with people over a look out high in the cliff.
As the car approaches, the passengers are not surprised to find most of the parking spaces taken. Maracas Beach is a popular site, as most know, and the driver dwindles from lot to lot until a free space is found.
The passengers open their doors, allowing the scorching sun to beat down upon them. As it happens, one of the passengers forgot his sunscreen, and was already feeling the burn upon his cheeks. He opens the trunk of the tiny car, searches around for a minute, and then begins applying the lotion as the others make their way to the beach.
The beach is packed to the brim, every person going a different direction. The group, two men, two woman, and four children, head towards the water. Each is holding a chair or towel, some applying sunscreen to another’s back. A designated place is found underneath the tall palm trees, and the children run towards the water.
The sun has heated the sand, and each step outside the shade burns. The children run into the ocean, splashing eachother with the cool water. Their feet quickly return to normal temperature, and the group of adolescents begin to search for sea shells.
The adults are opening their umbrellas, spreading out towels and forcing open the last beach chair; chattering all the while. The women pull lounge chairs out of the shade and grab their sunglasses as they begin to tan. The men are grabbing their cameras, snapping a photo of every specimen possible and scrutinizing each picture.
The children congregate with the adults a while later, complaining of empty stomachs. Wallets are grabbed, and again the group sets off, this time away from the coast. A dozen different huts have been set up around the hub of the beach, each with a very long line. The group has been here before, and knows what to expect. The children run toward the longest line: a stand with red flags around it, curiously named “Richard’s”.
It is obvious that Richard’s is the most popular, though the wait is long. They have mastered the ‘Shark Bake’; a lightly battered and seasoned young shark, wrapped in a light bread, or ‘bake’.
The children wait patiently as they slowly inch toward the front of the line. When they do, each of them receives a shark bake, along with their choice of toppings.
The stand is abundant in the most exotic of condiments. Tamarind, cilantro, garlic, and Congo sauces are all on the list. There are also the regular toppings: lettuce, tomato and cucumber.
Only after each person in the group has decorated their shark bake with toppings do they move back to the beach. The children take towels out into the sun while the adults prefer to stay in the shade. Each person devours their shark bake differently: with their hands, stuffing it in their mouths, or cutting it into small bites. The shark bake just adds to their pleasure of the paradise they have found.
The water churns in the ocean, and the sun constantly looks down upon the people with a fiery rage. The grains of sand get in hair and swimsuits, and the emerald green trees sway in the wind. Those in the water are splashed with the spray of rising and falling waves, laughing and talking.
The coast is leafy green, full of trees and vegetation. A look out spot hovers above the beach, with different stands selling local fruits. The sky is a sapphire blue, and not a cloud can be found.
Cars run up and down the winding path to the beach, each looking for their own paradise.
"You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me." Ian O'Shea, The Host.
Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeding the 20th.
Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path, and leave a trail.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1395
Reviews 565
Where to begin... This was a very well-written piece.
I didn't find any grammatical errors, so let's concentrate on
the writing itself.

First.
The car swerves down the tiny, winding road near the coast. Green, leafy trees provide a barrier along the street, and a fiery sun shimmers off the water.


Not the best description ever. It does draw the reader in though.
Maybe add a similie or two?
Maracas Beach is a popular site, as most know, and the driver dwindles from lot to lot until a free space is found.

Where is Maracas Beach? You should tell readers where it is.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1779
Reviews 121
Hello Phoenix here to review.

So the story has a nice feel to it, and I believe you used a point of view that works for the situation. So here are some nit picks.

The wind blows a little, and the trees sway.

You should word this better. The trees bend in the steady wind or the light wind sweeps across the trees jostling the leaves. Or about a hundred other ways. What ever you change it to get rid of the word blow.


As the car approaches, the passengers are not surprised to find most of the parking spaces taken. Maracas Beach is a popular site, as most know, and the driver dwindles from lot to lot until a free space is found.


I don't think you're using this in the right way. Dwindle means to diminish, like. The light dwindled from his eyes.

The passengers open their doors, allowing the scorching sun to beat down upon them. As it happens, one of the passengers forgot his sunscreen, and was already feeling the burn upon his cheeks. He opens the trunk of the tiny car, searches around for a minute, and then begins applying the lotion as the others make their way to the beach.


Try not to use as it happens it is to short and abrupt, you have to transition with more flow.


Their feet quickly return to normal temperature, and the group of adolescents begin to search for sea shells.


This usually refers to young teenage age. 12 or 13. Children the word you used before usually refers to ages under that.

The men are grabbing their cameras, snapping a photo of every specimen possible and scrutinizing each picture.
.

Of what.



The children wait patiently as they slowly inch toward the front of the line. When they do, each of them receives a shark bake, along with their choice of toppings.


Show them not waiting patiently. Children tend to not like waiting.


The water churns in the ocean, and the sun constantly looks down upon the people with a fiery rage.
.

I think you describe the sun and the heat too much.


Cars run up and down the winding path to the beach, each looking for their own paradise


I like this last line.

At the beginning I said I liked how you decided to not have one point of view from a character, and their thought process and such. That being said, a piece like this needs strong description if you beef up your description this could be a really good short piece. The first paragraph for instance can much stronger. Sit down and look at trees or the sun(not directly of course,) and try to come up with comparisons that no on has ever thought of. Green and leafy isn't descriptive enough. Overall good though I find this Shark Bake thing to be interesting. Is that real? I guess so. What does it taste like? Does it taste like chicken?
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

Death~



A thing of beauty is a joy forever; its loveliness increases...
— John Keats