Deadly Secrets- Prologue

Deadly Secrets

Prologue




My time behind this waterfall- my perfect world- is coming to an end. I can’t avoid it any longer. Fate has finally worked her way into my life; whether I like it or not. As I sit in the middle of the cave behind the waterfall, I focus my ears I the steady rush of the water, the pounding heart that lies in my chest, and the smooth breathing of the only person I can’t live without. Ayden. Without cause, he wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me from my revere, and whispers in my ear, “I love you, Sophie. No matter what happens, please remember that I will always love you.” Instead of telling him that I love him too, I lay my head against his chest letting the tears that I have resisting for all this while, fall silently down my cheek. And as if he can read my thoughts, he breathes into my golden hair, and simply kisses the top of my head.

Well, this was short - maybe too short to really give you a thorough review about the piece. Your plot has only emerged the tinsiest bit and there's not much time for character development. I do like your hook, though.

My time behind this waterfall[Space here. I know, I'm being nitpicky]- my perfect world[Space]- is coming to an end. I can’t avoid it any longer.; Fate has finally worked her way into my life; whether I like it or not. As I sit in the middle of the cave behind the waterfall[You already mentioned this. Avoid it to stay away from repetition. And describe the cave more. Is it dank? Does the sound of the crashing water echo all around?], I focus my ears.[What does she focus her hearing on?] I [Missing a word here] the steady rush of the water, the pounding heart that lies in my chest, and the smooth breathing of the only person I can’t live without. Ayden. Without cause, he wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me from my revere, and whispers in my ear, “I love you, Sophie. No matter what happens, please remember that I will always love you.” Instead of telling him that I love him too, I lay my head against his chest, letting the tears that I have resistinged for all this while, fall silently down my cheeks. And as if he can read my thoughts, he breathes into my golden hair, and simply kisses the top of my head.

I'm interested, that much I can say. Keep writing and feel free to PM me when you post more of this.

Hey wonderingkate!

This was a nice, short and sweet piece. I just noticed a few small things.

the pounding heart that lies in my chest

I feel you sort of contradicted yourself here. "Lies" creates the image of something being still, whereas before you've used "pounding", which is obviously not still. Perhaps replace it with a more active word. "Beats" is the first to come to mind, although I'm sure you can think of far better.

Instead of telling him that I love him too, I lay my head against his chest letting the tears that I have resisting for all this while, fall silently down my cheek.

The first park irks me for some reason. You don't need to tell us this, it's fairly obvious without the first line. Show, don't tell. However, if you really want to draw our attention to this, I would suggest making it shorter and more dramatic.
: I lay my head against his chest, letting the tears that I have resisting for all this while fall silently down my cheek.
I don't tell him I love him.
Notice the comma after "chest" and how I've taken out the unnecessary comma after "while". And to give it all the more impact, it has its own line. Which brings me to my next point.

Kate, I would have loved to have seen just a teeny-weeny paragraph or two. Just to make the layout more interesting and eye-catchy than the little block of text you have at the moment.

And also I'm not sure on the title. It feels a little worn out? I'm sure you can think of something with more spice. A title which is a little more unique to your story.

I found this quite interesting, and want to know how they ended up there. What's happened? Does Sophie love him back? Just generally, what's happened? Please, do PM me if you post any more.

Happy writing!

~EmmaJane~

write a story around this! This is really good! It captures my mind and makes me want to know more! I cant wait until you write further, tell the whole story from the beginning! Message me when you continue! I cant wait!

That was beautiful. The imagery you portrayed was incredible. I'm curious to see what's happening here.
Do write more.

~ Crazy

Hiya! Classy here! Now that that's over, on to the review.

I really like this. You have such a poetic voice. In fact, while I was reading, I was thinking about how you could turn this into a poem. You really could.

I like all the description, but I don't know why this was made. There isn't much here that you couldn't have just said in the first chapter. This just might be my angry views of prologues, I think they're useless, or I may be right. Who knows?

I want to read more, even though I don't know what's happening. Well done!

Classy

Hey Kate!
I'll review your story today!

So wow! this was short! To be honest it was almost too short to do a proper review due the lack of in-depth character and plot development. But to be honest, I liked it it was sweet and cute; It was a really nice read.
But...again the size it was way too short to lay out anything or to at least set some thing up. It was rather confusing because it seemed random so first of all, try to lengthen this please, because it would be interesting to know more about this.

Now some nitpicks.

My time behind this waterfall- my perfect world- is coming to an end. I can’t avoid it any longer

I don't know why but I'm a character freak. This seems random, it has no background, no reason. so please give us a reason and give us emotion. Readers want to feel emotion, not just some plain words that don't really say a thing. So show us how does she feel? how is it affecting her? Why is it so important to her?

As I sit in the middle of the cave behind the waterfall, I focus my ears I the steady rush of the water, the pounding heart that lies in my chest, and the smooth breathing of the only person I can’t live without.

So as I said before, show us more, let us into your story, don't just leave us hanging and confused.
The cave, yes the cave, but it would be interesting to know how was the cave, describe the cave a little more please.
The I should be in.
Another thing, everything in this world affects us, from the smoke to the wind, everything, and we see how it affects us. So it would be interesting to know how those things affected her physically and emotionally.

Ayden

Lol. I had to quote his name. Why? Because he is an important part in the story and he isn't even described. Describe him more please.

So Overall, I liked it and I would like to know more about this story because right now it seems just like an idea, nothing more than a random idea. So set things up and let me know when you post more about this.

XOXO
Pudin

Thank you guys all so much for the wonderful reviews. I do plan on writing more, only I have a horrible habit of stopping after the first few chapters! And I only have myself to blame, because you guys give the best encouragements! I hope the next chapters will flow out of my hands soon. I will definitely let you know as well!

Thank you again,

Kate