Dear Diary (#1)

My first story, Winning Over Winchester, didn't work out so well. Please, like and comment!

January 1, 2010

Dear Diary:

The first day of 2008, and my parents already are fighting this year. Life sucks. No matter how many scars mark my wrists, life does and always will suck.

Sure, I'm nothing special, so there's no particular reason why I deserve a good life, but I just don't want life to be like this anymore. I don't know who to talk to about anything right now, so I suppose...I suppose this is my only option. What can I do?

Probably the only thing in this whole world that makes sense is the fact that I'm friendless. But that's a no-brainer.

I...I'm confused right now as to what life is all about. My only joy comes from slitting my wrists (I know, perverted) and dreaming of what it would be like to have a girlfriend. I need help!

I'm way too emo. My mom is like a hippy, and my dad is like a business man. Wow. Why they even got married is beyond me. That probably has nothing to do with me being emo, however, I am pretty random, so it makes some sense. Wait, did I seriously just do a smiley?! WOW! I'm turning into Kandee Sara Carson from school. HA!

Confused and stupid as ALWAYS,
Syd Pride Johnston

Anyone? Please, help!

Interesting start and i like the diary format but you've got to think where is this story going, its really easy to start like you have in quite a negative way then end up with no where to go so having to scrap it, which is really disheartening. So just next time you sit down to write (if you haven't already) and think where will this end then with a clear ending in mind you wont get lost. Also the diary page appears to start jan 1st 2010 and the first sentence is 2008, which is it? lol
On a positive note you have a really good narrative voice which works so well in this format. And dont be put off by your first story not working very well not every story does just takes lots of practice and unfortunately failures till you do get the ones that work
Keep Writing
Titch x

Hm, this was pretty good. I agree with Titch's nitpicks, I'd go over those. Also, I kinda thought that your writing had a mildly feminine touch to it... and so when the MC said how that wanted a girlfriend, I was a tad surprised, until I realized he was a guy. But, that's just me. Somebody else might think differently.
Good job overall!

--Dreamy

2010. That's the year. I forgot to change the date on the second sentence.

And sorry about the femininity of the piece. I'm really used from writing from a girl's perspective. This is new for me.

Interesting. Not much happened though. Basically he just introduced himself. What is going on with his life right now? This was just an overview of who this guy is.
I'm very curious to see what happens after this. Diaries are a very good way to get it from the characters perspective. Let me know when you post more.
Good job! Keep going with this!

~Crazy

Here's the next one.

Dear Diary:

I'm going to start calling you friend instead of diary, because you're the closest thing that I have to a friend. So here goes.

Dear Friend:

The formality is odd, but whatever. I guess it sort of works. I just found a red pen in my bedroom, so I'm going to start writing with it.

I just met with my personal therapist/counselor. He says that I need to start thinking about the positive things in my life, and not the negative. HA! I don't really have anything to think about. I guess I'll just sit around blank-minded.

So anyway, I plan on dying my hair black sometime soon. Maybe I'll get red streaks, but maybe that would be too girly...

So anyway, today my parents decided that maybe they should get a divorce. So my life will be better. Honestly, how is having to visit each one individually any better? I just want my parents to STOP fighting and START kissing and smiling at each other like any other normal parent would do.

And at school today, a girl named Mickayla randomly decided that she was going to tell me all about her boyfriend dumping her. Why she would pick a guy, out of all people, I don't know why. Was she hitting on me?

Anyway, I have to go downstairs and do the dishes. I'll be back later...maybe. I'm not sure.

Syd

I'm not the biggest fan of emos (sorry) so the reason why anyone would want to write a story about them is beyond me.

also, I totally thought the guy was a chick before he said that he wanted a girlfriend. You need to make him sound like a man. Guys tend to be more terse.. and they also don't tend to write in diaries. Lol.

And the part when he says that slitting his wrists is perverted doesn't really make sense. I know perverted is supposed to be something strange, but usually its used to describe a peeping tom or something.

The boy also seems to take too much pride in his emo-ness. Emo's don't take pride in it, at least not true ones. I'm not sure about this, but I get the feeling that they hate themselves for being so emotional and for hating themselves so much. It's like this big circle of hate, and they aren't proud of it. So talking about how Syd is so excited to dye his hair black sort of defeats the purpose.

Cheers,
Lena

I was planning on making him not a real emo sorta guy. He's just putting up walls and he thinks a rough appearance and cut wrists will help him be more to himself. So here it is.

Dear Friend:

Again, I called you friend, and today I'm actually really happy. (Surprised, eh?) So anyway, that girl Mackenzie that I was talking about...she asked me if I wanted to go out sometime. I actually said yes. A bit of friendly dating couldn't hurt no one, right? Anyway, I guess I have to call her back and tell her when I want to do the date thing. Oh, wait. She's calling me. I'll pick it up.

Friday. She said Friday was a good day. I don't know how I'm going to dress and stuff. It's basically my first date, I guess.

Syd

Hi munchkinzizzles,
Lena is right that your character sounds like a girl until you mention the girlfiend thing.Also,guys don't maintain diary. It wasn't interseting as Mei' escape is. You should continue writing it.

What I dislike about this piece is the clichéd consistency of it, and its inability to convey any sort of emotional impact into the reader. This is because it's so blatant, the structure at odds with the theme of this piece, and your telling the audience what they expect. You need to bring something new into this so that we really get to see your character, be your character.

First off is the structure. When I imagine someone depressed, I imagine them almost lifeless, their thoughts staccato, concise. Like they have to heave the emotion from their mind and present it to you. And here:

I'm way too emo.

'I'm way too emo' - first of all, let us target the actual statement. It's dismissive, casual, and I doubt any depressed person would actually think this. What makes it worse is that you've put emphasis on the statement - 'way'- which enforces the the notion that the narrator is just a pre-adolescent, not someone to be taken seriously. 'Emo' is a stereotype, 'emo' is a style, 'emo' is a genre of music. I find it hard to take this piece seriously when you mention 'emo'. Almost as if he wants to be emo. And if the latter statement is true, then the message I think you are trying to convey to the audience is shattered.

That probably has nothing to do with me being emo, however, I am pretty random, so it makes some sense.

Awkward structure and lack of realism is apparent here, too. You need to get a real image of what you want us to feel. When I read the paragraph that the sentence quoted above belongs to, I imagined a boy laying on his stomach on his bed, with crossed ankles, humming happily.

'I am pretty random' - what does that have to do with depression? I get the idea that you want to show the audience his sadness, and then you bring in his musings. This inconsistency doesn't work because it makes the structure off balance and this piece awkward to read. He sounds happy - is that what you want?

My only joy comes from slitting my wrists (I know, perverted)

Again, here is more lack of realism. Just to let you know of something, people who slit their wrists and our genuine about it (unlike posers who did it because of self-pity) do it because it's a release. They don't enjoy it. It's almost like a drug to them. It's an addiction, it's a compulsion, it's something that they want to stop but can't. The line quoted above makes me doubtful of the narrator, because he sounds exactly like the ingenuine type of emos who cut because they just want to be emo. And through that theory, the message of this piece is then lost.

I feel a bit neutral towards this piece. The structure, though it is consistent, is inconsistent with the emotions I think you are trying to make the audience feel. When something is supposed to upset, use staccato. When someone is happy and bubbly and on cloud nine, use longer sentences with lots of commas. It gives a rambling effect.

I think you need to work on your realism. You write this as if it is coming from you and not someone who is depressed. It appears you want to show the audience sadness, and then a paragraph will come in and contradict it, and then another paragraph will then proceed to contradict the previous one. Keep consistency. Get an emotion clear in your head and work from there.