Bloody Love: Chapter One

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Chapter one.
I sit pretending to work on my laptop in a 24-hoer coffee shop. Taking a sip of my caramel late as I brush a stand of my long black hair out of my face, my tan skin matching that of the late. I in no way need the coffee to stay awake at night and I don't really like the taste but it makes me look semi-normal and that's all that I'm concerned about.
I see three teenage girls staring at me out of the corner of my eye. With the way they all stare at once and the loud mumbling makes it so obvious that even if I was human it would be hard to ignore.
I roll my eyes and pear into there minds.

That guy is so hot!

Where did that hunk of man-candy come from?

I wonder if he's single.

I've heard enough. I get it often enough anyway and I have no ditsier to get all the way to the graphic visual they're thinking of. I final decide that I need to get out of this place. I slam my laptop shut and walk out the doer giving the three girls a dark glare that I can tell even there human minds can see means; Fuck the hell off! I'm not interested!
As I leave I hear one of the girls say, "See I told you he was gay!"
Stupid humans. They're so self absorbed that just because I guy isn't interested in them that it automatically makes him gay.
I swing my laptop bag over my shoulder and walk down to the nearest night club. I'm not much for the partying there but they are full of people who have had a little too much to drink and are perfect pray.
As I approach I see a young girl. Too young to be at a club, only 16, 17 at the most. And she's crying.

"Is something wrong?" I ask although I don't really care.

"My boyfriend--my exboyfriend--said that he could sneak me in but the only reason he brought me here was to show me his new hot girlfriend and brake up with me in front of everyone!." she says angrily between sobs.

Ah perfect! I think. A broken hart can be even better then a roaring drunk. "Is there anything I can do?" You don't live 300 years without learning to act.

"I don't think so," she says sadly. "I think I'll just go home."

"Well let me walk you home," I say. "You know safety in numbers and all that."

She thinks for a moment and I send a small dose of my influential power to help convince her. "Well...I guess," she says still a little unsure.

"Come on, it might be fun."

"Well...okay." he says smiling slightly.

"Excellent."

"So um what's your name and if you don't mind my asking how old are you?"

I chuckle slightly, "Nicholas. and not at all, I'm 18," I say. considering I can control people's minds it's easy enough to alter my age slightly depending on the situation. "And what might I ask is you name?"

"Kira," she says.

"'Kira,' I like it."

I see her blush slightly. I then turn down a side ally and she follows.

"Um not to be rude or anything but this isn't the rode to my house," he says.

"Yes it is," I say staring her strait in the eyes and using my powers. "It's just a short cut."

"What? No it isn't! Now take me home or get lost!" she yells.

I'm shocked, in all my years I have never had a human able to resist my powers! What is with this girl? "You know what, you're right. Must have just made a wrong turn. Sorry about that," I say covering up quickly. My powers might not work on her but I'm going to get my diner one way or another!

"And um you don't look 18--if you don't mind my saying." she says suddenly.

"Really?" I ask. "How old do I look?"

"21, maybe older. Or maybe I'm just bad with ages."

This is vary odd. She is not bad with ages though she says she is. In fact she got it spot on. Or as spot on as you can get with someone who is immortal. But yes, fiscally I am 21.

"And why are your eyes black? Are you wearing contacts?"

This is also odd considering I know for a fact that my cloaking is working from seeing my hazy refection in a shop window showing a bright green. But since she can somehow see though it apparently I'll just have to go for lying. "Um yes I am, thank you for noticing," I say.

God how in the world can this girl do this? I think to myself.

"How can I do what?" she asks.

"What?"

"You just said, "how can this girl do this?" how can I do what?"

She can read my mind too?! How? She's human...right?

"You didn't answer my question! How can I do what?"

I decide that apparently I can't really keep secrets from her at this point so I say, "Well...how can you read my mind for one thing."

"What dose that mean?"

"Well...when I said "how can this girl do this?" I didn't say it out loud, I only thought it, and you read my thoughts."

"How? That's not even possible!"

"Well apparently it is," I say plainly.

"No, no you're just trying to trick me!"

"I'm not trying to trick you. I'm just trying to figure out what the hell you are." I say my mind now completely off the subject of diner.

"What I am? I'm a girl, I'm a person, I'm a--"

"A human?"

"Um yeah."

"But how can you be?"

"Well...if what you say is true then I guess I'm a freaky human but I'm pretty sure I'm still human."

"What would you say if I said that you are indeed human. But I'm not."

"What? Then what are you?"

"Do you really want to know?" I say staring her strait in the eyes.

I see her swallow hard. "Yes."

"In that case it might be easier to show you then to tell you," I say smiling slightly. "And don't say I didn't warn you."

I see her bright blue eyes widen to--I swear--three times there original size and I extend my long white fangs.

"You, you're a, you're a-" I cut her off as I sink my fangs deep into her neck.

Sleep little one. I say in her head before remembering that she was somehow immune to but powers.

Please, please don't kill me. she pleads in to my mind.

I'm sorry Kira, but you have seen to much. I would just make you forget this but you are immune to my powers so I can not.

Please, I won't tell anyone! Please just let me live!

I start to feel her falling deeper in to unconsciousness as I slowly drain her blood. But do I really want to kill her? I mean yes the law says that she ether needs to have the memory removed or die. I can't do the first of the two so I'll just have to do the second...I am reaching the point where if I take anymore she'll die.

I never really liked humans, even when I was one. But this girl fascinates me. I don't want to kill her. Not yet. I pull away quickly and hope I didn't take to much. She's still breathing, that's a good sine. I can't exactly take he to her home like this so I decide to bring her to my house.

I have never been able to teleport with another person like some others of my kind can so I have to carry her back to what is my house at the moment. A small one bedroom apartment on the edge of downtown. Every window is blocked with blackout blinds and the walls are all panted dark shades of black, gray, and dark blue with the exception of the kitchen witch was all silver. The walls are panted silver and all the appliances are stainless steal.

I take her into my bedroom and lay her on by bed--Yes I have a bed, not a coffin!--which has dark blue velvet bed sheets.

She looks like something out of a dream. Her hair is a light golden brown, long enough to wave around her upper arms but short enough not to engulf the rest of her body. Her skin is light with a vary slight tan. And her hands, small and somewhat delicate but built for persuasion, the hands of a artiest.

I use the time she is sleeping to try and figure out what the hell I'm going to tell The Council. They'll want her dead--no doubt about that--and they'll want me to be the one to kill her. But I can't. I don't know why, I've kill countless humans in my life--or lack there of--why should she be any different?
Last edited by hippie_vampire on Fri Jan 29, 2010 2:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
“There are many thing people have claimed can not be true and yet nearly all of them have ether been true to begin with or been made true by thous stubborn enough to ignore them.”-Scientist 666 from my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel.




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Hey, hippie! I came across this and thought I'd give you a good review. Hope this helps!
Although there are loads of people doing the vampire thing, I liked this because you used a guy as the main character and your narration is first person so you'll be able to really dig deep into the mind of your MC which I'm sure will be really interesting as the story goes on.
The only problems are your spelling is a little sloppy, I'm not gonna go through all of them because I'm sure if you read through it you'll be able to locate them for yourself, but that's not a big deal, it happens to the best of writers and it's nothing that can't be fixed.
Secondly, I thought the dialogue could've been a bit more better between Nicholas and Kira. Something seems missing. Like, I know Nicholas is supposed to try and seduce this girl, right? So why not add in some innocent flirting just to give him a bit of personality. And I'm not really getting Kira, perhaps your trying to show her innocence but even then I think her dialogue could use some fine tuning.
The third thing is I'm sure your aware that this whole vampire thing has been done before. Try and make your story as different as possible to all the others out there, make it more exciting by creating really solid, like-able and flawed characters, really explore the vampire world and show us another side to it other than the Twilight-like stuff.
Anyway, I hope you didn't take my review to heart, I was just trying my best to help you out, so I apologise in advance if it was a bit harsh. I am looking forward to reading the rest because I'm sure you'll turn this into a good story.
Best of luck!
*coco
"Do you know what my heart says now? It says that I should forget about politics and be with you. No matter what. You're a true Queen, a Queen any King would kill for." - Prince Francis ♕




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Good start, I really enjoyed it (I'm a huge vampire fan)
I agree with a lot of what *coco has said so I'm not gonna go in to details; you need to proof read to ensure your spelling is okay and the dialogue needs some work- just think how do i speak and try to write dialogue like that.
And your gonna keep hearing this but be really careful not to let it become twilight and if I'm honest your dangerously close right now- you've got a vampire who is fascinated by a girl who can resist his powers and a vampire council will want her dead because she knows about them.
On a positive noted there are small elements of humor in this story which are great so keep them coming but don't force it. As I said its a really great start and shows a lot of promise. All writers take inspiration out of what they have read but it is part of our skill to take ideas and really make them our own and explore the all elements of the worlds we create. If you haven't already and your serious about this story it might be helpful to read vampire books such as Dracula by Bram Stoker or interview with a vampire by Anne Rice which show the darker side of vampires.
I no this has been a little negative but keep writing
Titch x
Writing Is Easy All You Have Do Is Stare At A Blank Piece Of Paper Till Your Forehead Bleeds- Sue Townsend




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Yeah I was thinking the same thing about the flirting thing...I really suck at flirting so I normally try to avoided it but I guess I should just ask my sister on that because she's really good at it. Although by best friend said she though it was better without it.
I have no idea what went wrong with my dialogue because I'm normally really good at it but I guess I should take a second look.
I'll have my brother try and proof read more of these because he's a lot better at picking thous things out.
I do really like Dracula but I wasn't able to get past the first chapter of Interview With a Vampire but I will try to get a little darker.
And lastly don't worry there will be no mention what so ever of sparkly vampires :wink:


I no this has been a little negative but keep writing

And Titch, it's know.
“There are many thing people have claimed can not be true and yet nearly all of them have ether been true to begin with or been made true by thous stubborn enough to ignore them.”-Scientist 666 from my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel.



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