1.15.10

I'll dance on my toes,
against the lustrous embers.
Swinging my hands with my hips,
like women do.

You'll look at me from behind our fire,
your sole tapping a rhythm;
that like destiny
I dare not fight.

And I'll know as my feet swivel marks into the black soot
like Hindu symbols,
and as my as hair curls against the Indian fever
that your fervid eyes,
have nothing to do with the fire that lights your face.


**Please review honestly and point out any grammar or punctuation mistakes that you find.

Woah it was short yet really good. I could visulaise the actions and the meaning inot it. I really liked it, I didn't find any grammar or spellign mistake so yeah excellent job!

thanks you =)

Hey there, Lill. Nice to meet you.
On to the review. I'm a socializer...waste so much time talking. Like right now. Anyhoo.
This is a quite short, and good poem. It is not great. I didn't really like it, but I could see the picture. I really can't put my finger down on what I didn't like...maybe I just didn't understand all of it...maybe the short to long lines, I don't know. However, something bothered me and it's irritating me incredibly not to put a finger on it. Probably the flow, and the way it sort of jumps in line length.
Oh dear. Short on time, I am.
Tata. And sorry for the dull review. I was just rambling, I suppose.
-Miss Mizz

Hello! I really, really like this. Your imagery is great and it just sounds wonderful, too. I've read a lot of rhyming poetry lately, which is okay, but it makes a refreshing change to read something freeverse that sounds so conversational, but still poetic. It's lovely. I also like how the first stanza is about you, the second is about him, and in the third stanza you talk about both - there's you doing your thing, him doing his thing, and then how the one affects the other. I only have one complaint, which is that I'm not sure about the semi-colon at the end of the sixth line. I'm not entirely sure about this, but I think that where a semi-colon is used, it should be able to be replaced with a full stop, and if there was a full stop where your semi-colon is, the part that comes after it would be a fragment and not a stand-alone sentence. I would probably use a comma here instead. But apart from that, awesome job! I really enjoyed it, particularly the third stanza.

Hello lildeh!
The length of this poem is just right in my opinion. I think there's a nitpick with the tone of it, however. This is opinion based so it might just be me, but you seem very chatty or talkative in your poem instead of poetic. There's not enough vivid imagery for me, which could be described as unique or bland depending on the reader. For me it doesn't quite do it.
However, the rhythm and pace of this bit of poetry was truly exquisite:

I'll dance on my toes,
against the lustrous embers.
Swinging my hands with my hips,like women do.
You'll look at me from behind our fire,
your sole tapping a rhythm;

Its very well punctuated and packs the most effect. It was truly enjoyable and supplied that hook every great poem deserves.

I dare not fight.
And I'll know as my feet swivel marks into the black soot
like Hindu symbols,
and as my as hair curls against the Indian fever

I think the description and colour of the poem here is ripe, but the tone's changed. This is where you lose me as the reader because I'm a sucker for pace and rhythm. I feel you have that at your beginning, but you're lacking it here.

Hope this helps,
Ben

Thank you all for your lovely review. =)
Mizzle: Im sorry my poem didn't fit with well with you but thank you for taking the time out to review it.
Matt: Thank you so much for your positive review. I thinking the same thing with the semi colon and i think i might take it out now, I was going to wait and see if someone mentioned it so thank you.
Ben: Thank you for your review and insight. I think i will go back and try to change it so it does sound a little more poetic without being too wordy. When you say towards the end that the tone changes i just want to point out that i tried to do that purposely but i can understand how some people may not like that. I tried to slow down the vibe a little and make it a little more intense and romantic, hopefully i succeeded. Thanks again everyone!

Hey! I liked this too! It had a foreign tint to it, and it was fiery like I think you intended it to be. Your imagery was good too.This was intense, just not very much so.Nice work overall, you have a good skill for writing poetry.Maybe lengthen this out a bit... up to you. Good work, anyhoo.

--Dreamy