Hi thanks for your interest, this is the third timing (I think) I have posted this story but I think its got promise. I just keep getting stuck and frustrated so stop writing now I want to get back to it again so I'm hoping your critic will help unblock me.
So here we go again, I'm very sorry for the poor grammar and spelling its an area I really struggle with so please bare with it
Thanks Jenny x
The Vampires Kiss- Part 1
I was sat opposite him half dozing and half watching him fiddle with his weapons, cleaning his knives and sharpening his arrows. He saw me watching and smiled, then in the blink of an eye he was across the room, in front of me.
'Oh how I love humans with their silly superstitions, they honestly believe that these will protect them? I could crush this with my fingers'
He was holding the crucifix I wore round my neck his hand, inspecting it carefully and chuckling quietly to himself. Suddenly he stopped laughing and looked down at me his piercing pitch-black eyes he seemed to be searching for something deep within my own. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end; there was so much danger behind those eyes.
**********
I remember the first time I saw him as vividly as if it was just yesterday. At that time I was living above a small bar I owned. On the day I met him I was stood behind the bar nursing a whiskey, the sound of the door made me jump. It was still early evening and although the bar was open I wasn’t expecting anyone.
‘I’m sorry I did not mean to startle you’ the voice was gentle and he placed every syllable so carefully and precisely ‘is the bar open, I realise its early but I saw the lights on’
Before he spoke I was going to tell him the bar was closed but there was something in his voice which made me change my mind. I motioned him to a seat in front of the bar.
‘What can I get for you?’ I asked my voice sounding harsh against his soft elegant tones.
‘Scotch’ he responded so softly I almost missed it. As I busied myself in getting him his drink the bar was as silent as if he wasn’t there at all.
‘On the rocks?’ I asked putting the glass on the bar.
‘No, Straight up thank you’ he replied. I smiled as I poured his whiskey ‘there you go sir, first ones on the house, oh and I’m Comfort by the way, I own the bar’
‘Well Comfort you can’t make much money if every first drink is free’ he remarked not looking up from his drink.
‘No. I wouldn’t, would I? Which means really it’s a good thing that the first drink isn’t free for everyone, just for the people I like the look of’ I responded. He looked up from his drink catching my eye; this was the first time I felt that fear which sent shivers down my spine. Only back then I didn’t know why his eyes scared and excited me like they do. Dragging my eyes away from his intoxicating stare I busied myself cleaning the bar and I tried to strike up a conversation.
‘Where are you from? I’ve never seen you in here before and I don’t recognise your accent’ I asked with genuine interest. His accent was strange, not English even though he spoke it fluently but a mix of many distant accents all moulded in to one oddly appealing voice.
‘I am from very far from here and at the same time not far at all’ he replied and that cryptic response was the only thing I could get from him for a long time. We just sat and sipped our drinks until the door opened again breaking our quiet contemplations. This was the beginning of the slow drizzle of my regulars entering. I was kept fairly busy fetching their drinks and listening to their stories and their moaning, but could barely take my eyes off him. He just sat their slowly sipping his drink, not speaking to anyone just staring off in to nothingness. I was watching him, waiting him to move or finish his drink anything so I could speak to him again or simply interact with him in just some small way.
Suddenly there was a loud crash someone had knocked their glass onto the floor, I ran over to clean it up before anyone got hurt. I looked back after a split second and he was gone. Silently and swiftly he had left, leaving me feeling strangely empty.
***********
Over the next few weeks he came in everyday at the same time and had a scotch everyday and then left silently in the blink of an eye, always leaving me with that empty feeling when I saw his vacant chair. I did manage to get a little more information out of him in the hours we spent alone together. His name is Lucas and he didn’t live in the area he just was here on business. When I asked what he visibly stiffened but he simply said that it was nothing very interesting.
We continued in this same routine for the next few days him sitting at the bar and me trying to get as much information out of him as I could. Lucas fascinated me I would spend the time we spent together just watching him, studying his movements, listening to that beautifully strange voice.
‘Your staring at me’ He said suddenly one evening, we were sat alone as usual and I hadn’t realised but I was staring at him, well his skin to be precise. It was amazing, flawless and so pale it was slightly translucent. I had never notice before then but there was radiance about him, it was like his skin had a slight glow. It took me a second to gather my thoughts and rake my eyes from his skin.
‘Sorry Lucas, I wasn’t staring’ I lied ‘just daydreaming’ then he did something I never expected him to do, he laughed. In the weeks I had sat watching him I hadn’t even seen him crack a smile never mind laugh. It was a loud barking laugh that startled me slightly, so unlike his quiet calm voice.
‘What?’ I asked confused by his strange reaction.
After he had composed himself he explained his response ‘Comfort you are a very bad liar. I have seen you watching me over these past few weeks, your fascination growing’ his eyes twinkled as he said this.
‘Well you’re a fascinating man Lucas, so mysterious’ I replied ‘and I think secretly you quite like the attention’ he just winked in response. This dark, brooding man who had walked into my bar just a few weeks ago. This man that sat silently nursing a scotch each night was flirting with me; the night had taken a very strange turn. He opened his mouth to say something, but someone walked in he just winked at me instead, I couldn’t help but be disappointed.
From then on we flirted like that until someone else came into the bar then he went back to his silent drinking and even more silent exits. After about a week after the flirting started he came at his usual time and but stopped in the doorway staring at me.
‘What on earth are you doing?’ He asked still in the doorway. I had to laugh; I was stood on a chair in the middle of the bar
‘I’m changing a light bulb, what does it look like?’ I replied still laughing
‘Well it looks dangerous to me’ he responded in that quiet voice that always gave me butterflies
‘I’ll be fine, you worry too much’ I responded ‘pass me that bulb on the bar’ he walked over to the bar, his footsteps echoing across the room. When he handed me the bulb our hands touched and I felt my whole body tingle as his skin came in contact with mine, he quickly pulled his hand away. He looked at me so intensely with his dazzling black eyes that all of a sudden my knees went weak and I lost my balance falling off the chair. Then I was I his arms, he had caught me.
‘Comfort, are you okay?’ there was genuine concern in his voice.
‘Yeah I’m fine’ my voice was shaking ‘thanks to your amazingly quick reactions’ he simply smiled and he took me to the bar and placed me on his usual chair and walking round behind the bar.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked calming down a bit more now.
‘I’m fixing you a drink, you need one after that shock and your not working tonight I’ll cover for you’ he replied, I just smiled to shaken to argue. It was strange to be on the other side of the bar, watching Lucas serving my regulars. Moving between each so fluidly, taking their orders and pouring the drinks seemingly without effort.
As the last person left the bar I couldn’t help but smile, I was alone with Lucas again and closer to him than I had ever been before.
‘You did well tonight' I said 'which leads me to think I’ve figured out what this boring job is’
‘Oh yes and what would that be then?' He asked smirking slightly at my compliment.
‘Well considering your expertise behind the bar I think you’re a spy from a rival establishment here to check out the competition’ I replied softly because in what seemed like a blink of an eye he was standing right over me. I could smell the whiskey on his breath hot against my face. I thought that my knees would once again give up on me. I reached up to feel the stubble on his chin and my whole arm tingled. He had both hands on my waist pulling me close so our bodies were touching; my heart was pounding in my chest so hard I was sure he could feel it.
‘Well if that’s true then this would be fraternising with the enemy then wouldn’t it?’ he breathed running his hand down the back of my neck and pulling even me closer. Our lips gently brushed and he pulled away smiling.
‘You’re cruel’ I said my heart still pounding in my chest and my breath catching in my throat. He just grinned cheekily at me and said ‘well I can put a stop to that’ pulling me in and kissing me this time. My hands slid down from his face and I unbuttoned his shirt sliding it down off his board shoulders. His muscles were perfectly defined by the pearly white skin stretched across his chest.
Read out loud, and you will be able to fix a lot of it. 