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The Brewing Storm - Voice on the Wind - Chapter 1

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1
South Pine Village

South Pine Village was built in an extensive, isolated valley reached only by the motorway that ran parallel to the mountain range. The large, modern village was surrounded by tall, rugged mountains and a dense tropical rainforest that stretched from the village border all the way up the mountains and across the land beyond. It was the only village for miles and miles and barely any one knew it was there.

Down from Mount Darowen a river ran, twisting through the trees like a snake. It carried on into the heart of the village where it gushed into a manmade lake that spilled out into another fast flowing river, leading to the ocean miles away.

The lush rainforest was bordered by a rusty chain link fence topped with barb wire built to confine the man-eating feline creatures called danvere that dwelled in the forest. Danvere were bigger than lions or tigers and are usually light brown in color. Their pointed teeth were coated with venomous saliva, but as if they needed it. They’re powerfully built with razor-sharp claws and are faster than a cheatah. Their only weakness was the sun. If exposed to direct sun light they would blister and burn immediately and would die within two minutes, so during the day it was safe to open the gates to allow the villagers to walk along the board walks that meandered through the forest.

On the side of Mount Darowen was a grey, stone cliff, jutting out of the rainforest like a long, fat, pointing finger. Slightly to one side of which, a waterfall cascaded down. At the base of the cliff was a crack big enough for a man to fit into. The crack, partly concealed by vines and low shrubs, was the entrance to a cave.

Black storm clouds rolled over head, pelting raindrops the size of golf balls to the ground. A woman that looked quite out of place with her black dress and high-heeled shoes picked her way through the towering trees of the rainforest towards the mouth of the cave. She uttered a word in some strange language and just like that the vines and shrubs came alive and moved out of her way. She entered the cave cautiously, not wanting to alert its inhabitants to her presence.

Inside the cave was dark and damp and smelled like mold. The walls gleamed with wetness but as the woman moved further into the cave there was no light for the water to reflect. She realized it was glowing slime. This was not here the last time she’d visited the cave, or rather, the lair.

The woman froze as an uncannily familiar voice echoed from down the tunnel.

“I feel his power growing stronger; he is no longer the ordinary boy he used to be.”
“What should we do father?” came a child’s voice.
“Lie in wait and he will come to us. Once we kill him we can begin our reign.”
“I don’t understand, father. Why do we not just take over and kill him now? He has no power to fight back.”
At the boys question the man blazed with rage. “No one can understand but I!” he yelled, “You are too young and foolish; do not burden me with such questions!”

A fork of lightning struck the cliff face, causing the earth to rumble as a ton of rocks came crashing down, blocking the exit. The woman, unharmed but shaken up, was now trapped. She raised her arm and pointed at the pile of rocks and yelled in gibberish. Some rocks shifted. She tried again, this time blasting a small hole through the rocks, just big enough to see a glimpse of rainforest.

“What’s going on?” someone yelled. The woman could hear running footsteps getting closer and closer. With one last attempt she blasted a hole big enough to crawl through and just caught a glimpse of a tall, pale-faced man with black hair and gleaming red eyes before she clambered out.
“You!” He yelled but she was gone.

Her black dress billowed around her ankles as she ran through the trees a single thought pumping through her mind like a heart beat; I’ve got to warn him. I’ve got to warn him. I’ve got to warn him.
*
A boy of twelve years of age stood upon a grassy hill in the middle of a field. The sky above was black with clouds and wind swept across the hillside, whipping his black hair into his face. Behind him stood a dead, grey tree that swayed violently in the wind. Above the wailing wind he heard a voice call out to him, “Jason, a storm is brewing.”
Last edited by randomer on Mon Jan 25, 2010 7:54 am, edited 1 time in total.




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WOW! You have some real talent! And at such a young age? I'm in shock! :o I shall review in Orange...

They’re powerfully built with razor-sharp claws and are faster than a cheater. I'm sure you meant Cheetah :)


...and would die within two minutes, so during the day it was safe to open the gates to allow the villagers to walk along the board walks that meandered through the forest.


A boy of twelve years of age stood upon a grassy hill in the middle of a field.


You are extremely talented! Don't stop writing!!
Star light; star bright,
It is time to take flight.
Off I go through the dark of night.
All my hopes and dreams in sight.




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Hello, Randomer. Welcome to YWS! Well, I have to say you are awesome! Seriously, for a thirteen year old you're pretty good. Alright today I'm going to review a different way then I usaully do. Here I go! My comments are in blue.

randomer wrote:1
South Pine Village

South Pine Village was built in an extensive, isolated valley reached only by the motorway that ran parallel to the mountain range. The large, modern village was surrounded by tall, rugged mountains and a dense tropical rainforest that stretched from the village border all the way up the mountains and across the land beyond. I liked that imagery you gave about the mountains and the rainforest. It was the only village for miles and miles and barely any one knew it was there.

Down from Mount Darowen a river ran, twisting through the trees like a snake. I liked the way you described the river! It carried on into the heart of the village where it gushed into a manmade lake that spilled out into another fast flowing river, leading to the ocean miles away.

The lush rainforest was bordered by a rusty chain link fence topped with barb wire built to confine the man-eating feline creatures called danvere I believe the danvere should be capiltalized that dwelled in the forest. Danvere were bigger than lions or tigers and are usually light brown in color. Their pointed teeth were coated by switch by to with I think it'll make more sense venomous saliva, but as if they needed it. They’re powerfully built with razor-sharp claws and are faster than a cheater. I liked the way you described the Danvere. But so far all you've done is info dump, try not to info dump so much when writing. It gets readers uninterested. And as LittlePetRock said cheater should be cheetah.

Their only weakness was the sun. If exposed to direct sun light they would blister and burn immediately and would die within two minutes so during the day it was safe to open the gates to allow the villagers to walk along the board walks that meandered through the forest. That whole thing was a run-on so please fix that.
On the side of Mount Darowen was a grey, stone cliff, jutting out of the rainforest like a long, fat, pointing finger. I love the pointing finger description! Slightly to one side of which, a waterfall cascaded down. At the base of the cliff was a crack big enough for a man to fit into. The crack, partly concealed by vines and low shrubs, was the entrance to a cave.

Black storm clouds rolled over head, pelting raindrops the size of golf balls to the ground. A woman that looked quite out of place with her black dress and high-heeled shoes picked her way through the towering trees of the rainforest towards the mouth of the cave. She uttered a word in some strange language and just like that the vines and shrubs came alive and moved out of her way. She entered the cave cautiously, not wanting to alert its inhabitants to her presence.

Inside the cave was dark and damp and smelled like mold. The walls gleamed with wetness but as the woman moved further into the cave there was no light for the water to reflect. This stood out to me, fantastic She realized it was glowing slime. This was not here the last time she’d visited the cave, or rather, the lair.

The woman froze as an uncannily familiar voice echoed from down the tunnel.

“I feel his power growing stronger; he is no longer the ordinary boy he used to be.”
“What should we do father?” came a child’s voice.
“Lie in wait and he will come to us. Once we kill him we can begin our reign.”
“I don’t understand, father. Why do we not just take over and kill him now? He has no power to fight back.”
At the boys question the man blazed with rage. “No one can understand but I!” he yelled, “You are too young and foolish; do not burden me with such questions!”
I got a little confused in this part are they in the cave or outside of the cave?
A fork of lightning struck the cliff face, causing the earth to rumble as a ton of rocks came crashing down, blocking the exit. The woman, unharmed but shaken up, was now trapped. She raised her arm and pointed at the pile of rocks and yelled in gibberish. Some rocks shifted. She tried again, this time blasting a small hole through the rocks, just big enough to see a glimpse of rainforest.

“What’s going on?” someone yelled. The woman could hear running footsteps getting closer and closer. With one last attempt she blasted a hole big enough to crawl through and just caught a glimpse of a tall, pale-faced man with black hair and gleaming red eyes before she clambered out.
“You!” He yelled but she was gone.

Her black dress billowed around her ankles as she ran through the trees a single thought pumping through her mind like a heart beat; I’ve got to warn him. I’ve got to warn him. I’ve got to warn him.
*
A boy of twelve stood upon a grassy hill in the middle of a field. The sky above was black with clouds and wind swept across the hillside, whipping his black hair into his face. Behind him stood a dead, grey tree that swayed violently in the wind. Above the wailing wind he heard a voice call out to him, “Jason, a storm is brewing.”


Overall I love this story. I saw that you wrote a second chapter so I'll go and read that one. Please don't stop writing!
I follow four rules when writing
1. Don't think. Just write.
2.Never take the pencil from the page when writing
3.Don't erase. Even if what you wrote didn't make sense
4.No need for grammar,punctuation, or spelling when writing

And when your done writing you stop and break all the rules




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someone said danvere should be capitalized but its an animal right? so that would be like capitalizing elephant and we dont do that... do we? i dont think so. anyway loved it




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Hey Randomer!

First of all I have to say, bravo! You have real talent, I remember when I was thirteen and started writing and believe me, I was nowhere close to writing like you do. But...that doesn't mean there's anymore room to grow and be better.
Let's begin with the review.
I really enjoyed your writing, your style is really interesting and definitely awesome. I liked your description, it was exquisite, you really showed us what your were seeing and transmitted the images really good. The setting that you give doesn't only give us the image and the background of the story, but also a mood, which is a bit mysterious and dark.
But... I felt that you rushed through some things and just placed them in the story without any further introduction and that made the story lose a bit of its mystery and intrigue.

Now some nitpicks.
South Pine Village was built in an extensive, isolated valley reached only by the motorway that ran parallel to the mountain range. The large, modern village was surrounded by tall, rugged mountains and a dense tropical rainforest that stretched from the village border all the way up the mountains and across the land beyond. It was the only village for miles and miles and barely any one knew it was there.

I liked this part, I really did because your description is really god but to be honest, it sounded like the description on a geography book. What does that mean? that it sounded pretty flat. Try spicing it up a little more so we can not only, but feel everything about it. Use your senses.

Down from Mount Darowen a river ran, twisting through the trees like a snake. It carried on into the heart of the village where it gushed into a manmade lake that spilled out into another fast flowing river, leading to the ocean miles away.

Same here, it sounds like a geography book, spice it up!! Tell us how it looked, what was different about it, what was so great and magical about it.

Danvere were bigger than lions or tigers and are usually light brown in color

I don't know if you noticed it, but you changed the tense here. The are in here should be were.

Their only weakness was the sun. If exposed to direct sun light they would blister and burn immediately and would die within two minutes, so during the day it was safe to open the gates to allow the villagers to walk along the board walks that meandered through the forest.

Your description of the denvere is flat to be honest.Why? Because is not interesting, you describe like National Geographic would describe it. Let's say, I'll put an example, an animal, weird animal back in Chile (south america) was feared not because it appeared in the news every day, but because how the native people described it, and how they managed to put the animal as the most fearful and terrible animal ever.
So what I am trying to say is that you need more than just a description to make the reader feel fear or look clearly at this animal. The tone that you use also helps when doing this kind of things.
You mentioned the villager here, so try expanding this so we can get the emotions of the villagers towards this animal.

She entered the cave cautiously, not wanting to alert its inhabitants to her presence.

Try giving us a little bit more about this cave, this part is interesting so try telling us , or actually showing us a little bit more of this cave.

“I feel his power growing stronger; he is no longer the ordinary boy he used to be.”

Yes, it was a voice, but how was this voice, was it hoarse, was it sweet or was it demanding? and what was the woman's reaction to that tone.

I’ve got to warn him. I’ve got to warn him. I’ve got to warn him.

Put this in italics because it's part of the woman's thoughts.

Characters
From what I get of this, I think this is just an introduction and the characters are yet to be known but to be honest, I didn't understand the importance of the woman, what was her role in the story.

Setting
as I said before your description was really good but you need to spice it up and use every single resource you've got.

Dialogue
It was nice but flat, you need to add more description to the dialog.

So that's all I can say, hope I helped.
Les sanglots longs
Des violons
De l'autonne
Blessent mon coeur
D'une langueur
Monotone.

Verlaine



One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
— Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex