Would Could Should

Would stares down on me like a cold wind of maybe,
the excuses the lies, they all live to shame me.

Should turns her face away when opportunity calls,
raw fear and doubt causes my discernment to fall.

Could reflects all of the choices I've made,
but I'll tone out my conscience, all the good voices fade.

Then along comes Will with a confident voice,
with his determined spirit he leaves me no choice.

Do plunges in when opportunity comes,
you won't find him around twiddling his thumbs.

Most of these words you won't take to heart,
till you put "I" before them, then live the part.

You could turn the world around if you really tried,
don't let Would, Should, Could stop you don't try to hide.

Don't let them hold you, fight to be free.
Because running with Will and Do is right where I'll be.

Love it! This is such a brilliant poem and utterly true. I am really impressed by how well this is written, the rhyme never feels forced. And you're so smart when it comes to success principles, especially at such a young age. I have to tell you that I am going to "like" this poem!

My major critique is your punctuation. At times you missed just a few commas and misplaced a few periods, which disrupted the flow, but overall you did a decent job. I always struggle with poetry punctuation, so don't feel like you're the only one! I've done a quick job of editing in red, but I might have missed some, so please be sure to read this poem out loud to make sure it flows properly.

Would stares down on me like a cold wind of maybe. The excuses, the lies, they all live to shame me. Should turns her face away when opportunity calls, raw fear and doubt causes my discernment to fall. Could reflects all of the choices I've made, but I'll tone out my conscience, all the good voices fade. Then along comes Will with a confident voice, with his determined spirit he leaves me no choice. Do plunges in when opportunity comes, you won't find him around twiddling his thumbs. Most of these words you won't take to heart, till you put "I" before them, then live the part. You could turn the world around if you really tried, don't let Would, Should, Could stop you, don't try to hide. Don't let them hold you, fight to be free. Because running with Will and Do is right where I'll be.

You'll noticed that I underlined opportunity and this is only because you used it twice in the poem. Personally, redundancies are my biggest pet peeve when it comes to writing. So perhaps you could come up with another synonym for opportunity to replace the second one. Thesaurus.com is a great resource for this.

Hope this helped! Keep writing!

Hi, welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here. I love the rhythm and rhyme here. The poem flows really well, and the personification is great. I love "cold wind of maybe" I love the ending, it's very powerful and it winds the poem down nicely. "
Most of these words you won't take to heart, till you put "I" before them, then live the part." is a great sentence.

I'd change "causes" to "cause", and make "tone out" "tune out" or "tone down". I'd also cut "Because" in the last line, because I think it makes the line too long.

Hope this helps. Feel free to P.M me if you have any questions or if you ever have a poem which you'd like critiqued.

Jas

That was amazing! One of the best poems I've read all day, seriously. Just change the formatting to normal, ok? Also, make sure to keep your capitalization consistent. You have some serious talent! Welcome to YWS, I can already tell you'll be an awesome addition here.

--Dreamy

P.S: feel free to PM me with any questions and such, or anybody else who's volunteered.

I'm going to start by saying that I throughly enjoyed it solely because it's so true. Quite the interesting topic you chose, and executed rather well. Also, the title of the poem itself makes it seem like a badly developed work, even if it's as nice as this one.

I'm pretty sure I saw more than one grammar in there, and the rhyming tended to be a bit off ("calls" rhymes with "falls," not "fall"). While most of the poems I've read have minor errors like this, I still recommend working on it for that perfect poem.

No other words but good job, and keep practicing. Eventually you'll make a great writer

This was probably my favorite all day. I don't think you need any advice other than punctuation. Just simple things, like,

servant4christ wrote:Would stares down on me like a cold wind of maybe,
the excuses, the lies, they all live to shame me.


Then along comes Will with a confident voice,
with his determined spirit, he leaves me no choice.

Little things like that really make a difference. This was well written, good job.

hey

Just to start off, I was amazed!!!

I haven't looked at it too closely but everything
I read seemed to hit the right note and made me think.
That poem must have taken a huge amount of thinking!
It's beautiful! strangely enough now i also feel guilty...
for all the things i should have done in my life, maybe now i will. I guess that's
the point you are trying to get across?
The heading is awesome aswell, simple but it draws your attention. I shouldn't really
talk as if I know everything about writing poems....i hardly know anything, and definitely
less than you, but I just wanted to say that you are an amazing poet.
Please keep writing!
xox
T

Hi. Nice to see you again.
Okay, so first off, I actually really liked this. The font annoyed me a ton though. On the line after "you could turn the world...etc, etc.", well there should be a comma or semicolon before "don't try to hide".
I'm glad to see you're fitting right into YWS, and I hope to see around some more.
Tata,
Miss Mizz

Good poem, but I would like you to show us more. You seem to just be telling readers what they should believe, what they should think like. I don't necessarily want to hear that. What I do want to hear is how you changed because you followed Do and Will.

I think this is an original and refreshing idea. Well done.

Classy

Alright I changed the bothersome font heh heh...it was pretty annoying wasn't it