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[size=150][b]The Anarchy


Chapter 1






"Careful" urged Trisella. Ne'car slowly edged away from the laser light. "Good, now follow me," she whispered harshly, Pennet rolled his eyes towards Rina's. Rina put her small finger to her little bow of a mouth and darted off into the shadows. Pennet brushed his honey brown hair away from his face and kept on with his back to the lasers. Trisella trained her sharp green eyes over the group and sighed with satisfaction. "And Corlet said we'd never make it" she commented with a smirk."Rina?" whispered Pennet with his blue eyes surveying the old museum. Ne'car followed Trisella under the table that was holding various tools and artifacts. Penn gave a worried look in his direction, Rina had been known for her disappearing acts and almost always set some sort of alarm off. Ne'car shrugged his shoulders and pointed to Trisella who was dusting some cobwebs off one of the many boxes in that room."Oh dear Jesus please keep her safe," he breathed.




Rina crawled away from the group. she had no intention of crawling around some old museum storage room,when the real information could be found in the offices. since she was the smallest of the group, she found it easier to go and do what she thought needed to be done rather than try to argue her point with the others. Pennet was the only one who would listen to her, he listened to everyone with his bright expressive blue eyes making contact with hers as she spoke rather than darting around the room as if there was something better to do. But not even Penn would have followed her on this expedition. It was too risky, and she had a reputation of getting caught. No she had to do this alone. "How many traps are in this room," she asked her Hand-held Investigative Device (also known as H.I.D.E.) A friendly female voice responded,"there are 6 traps in room 503," "Do you know where they are?" she asked." All traps are located by display case 60, president's items" relayed H.I.D.E."That's peculiar," mumbled Rina. "We haven't had a president in over 50 years! Ever since Iraq bombed the White House and took control. What could they be protecting so carefully?" she wondered out loud. She took a step towards the display case."Caution you are now in danger zone, please step back" warned H.I.D.E. Rinna stepped closer almost mesmerized by the glowing display case. "You are now in the danger zone, please step back," H.I.D.E said a little louder. What if it's a piece of an important document? she thought. The first alarm went off, an eerie screeching whine. Rina didn't care, she stepped closer. "You are now in danger zone, please step back." Rina almost didn't see the trap door before she stepped on it. She stared down into the black hole and shrugged.She was still alive wasn't she? The enchanting display case beckoned her closer."Caution you are now in danger zone please step back!" Outside she heard gunfire. that didn't surprise her. The world had turned nasty over the years with no leader to guide them. Rina took two more steps. Two more alarms went off, each more louder that the first. "Caution you are now in danger zone, please step back." "Five more steps," she gasped. "One....two..three..ahhh," she screamed. A laser beam tore through her jeans and burnt her leg, she moaned. "Four...ugghh," another laser pierced her shoulder.Rina fought the darkness. "Five," she whispered and reached her hand into the display case with her last bit of energy. In the mist of the unbearable screeching alarms, her own groans, and the gunfire outside.A friendly female voice called, "you are now in the danger zone, please step back." Then, everything went black.


"Hello? is anyone home?" Rina slowly forced her aching eyes open. "Oh good, you're not dead," someone said sarcastically. Rina's head ached and she felt very dizzy. "Where am I," she asked thickly. " Why is it everyone asks that when they wake up? Do you really want to know? Or are you just looking for a conversation starter?" Rina thoroughly confused and in desperate need of water only managed to groan. Her shoulder and leg stung and she felt blood oozing out of her left ear. The voice hummed a little then stopped suddenly, "There i go being rude again... I'm sorry,my name is Celesity and I tend to get cranky when people intrude on MY property....but no matter. What's your name?" Rina searched her mind to remember who she was. " Corina, I think, but you can call me Rina...I think," she said as she tried to sit up. Things were starting to clear up and if she remembered correctly she was NOT in a safe place. Celesity handed her a little bowl of broth. It wasn't a fancy bowl but it did the job. Much like Celesity herself, she was a slightly short girl about Rina's age with dirty blond hair and striking hazel eyes. She wasn't extravagant like the show girls that danced in their neighborhoods at night for money.( It was the only job for woman these days), you had to be almost perfect to be one. Most of the show girl's beauty looked fake. No, Celesity Didn't look like a show girl, but she had a kind face, one that radiated real beauty. "Drink the broth and stop starin' you don't have a concussion, your pupils aren't dilated." said Celesity. Rina gratefully sipped the broth and examined her surroundings. Celesity obviously didn't live in comfort. She lived in what appeared to be a musty basement with old furniture and a VERY old stove that looked like it could break down any minute. She had no windows and a very mysterious chest sitting in the corner of the room. She had almost all the qualities of a....No it couldn't be... they're just myths! Thought Rina but suspicion kept niggling in her mind. Rina searched her mind to remember all she could about the myths of the Secrete Keepers. It was said they knew all the secretes of the Anarchy. But the most impressive was that they had the key to stop the Anarchy from destroying the world. The problem was that if ever one was discovered by the New Police Force,(also known as N.P.H) they would instantly be put to death, no trial, no proof of crime, no chance.You could tell if they were a Secrete Keeper or not by the special key they all supposedly wore around their necks. Rina had to know, "hey Celesity ummm could you help me uhh change the bandage on my leg? It's soaked with blood." Celesity turned around with sarcastic words already dripping out of her mouth. But Rina didn't hear any of it, a key sparkled from around her neck, the Secrete Keeper's key. "You're, you're a Secrete leaper I....I mean a Secrete Keeper!!!!!!" she cried barely able to make out her own thoughts. Celesity stopped with her mouth hanging open. There was a stunned silence. Neither Celesity or Rina knew what to say. Celesity recovered first, "so there is still rumors about us floating around out there huh? That's not good." she said darkly. "But you can help us!!!! we desperately need your help, you have no idea how bad it's gotten!" she cried. "You can't even step outside without a gun! Girls run outside scantly dressed just for a job! The hospitals are bursting with Dying people and no one has money OR food!" Pleaded Rina, "you have the secretes! You can help!" Celesity glared at Rina and opened the door. " Thank you for stopping by to steal my artifacts and treasures, I'm sorry for any inconvenient injuries, please try to be more careful on your way out." she said in a monotone voice. Rina just stared, here this girl may have the power to stop the Anarchy and she was refusing to help! "Hello??? I don't think you heard me straight, people are DYING!" she squeaked. "I can't help you." said Celesity angrily with a hint of regret. "Get out." Rina was not about to give up but she needed help to convince this girl to help. "Alright I'll leave, but I'm coming back," she said defiantly. She walked out with her head held high. The door slammed behind her.................

Rina ran up the stairs of what was the basement of the museum to search for her friends. They found her first, "Rina! Thank goodness your alive! When we heard the alarms go off we feared the worst." said Pennet. Rina looked around the small band of friends, she was very pleased to see they had all hung around anyway to see if she came out. It made her feel important. But she had other priorities she needed to cover before she could indulge in the warm feelings. So she tucked them away for later. "You guys, you won't believe what I found in the basement!" she said breathlessly. "What did you find?" asked Trisella only half interested. "I found a Secrete Keeper!" cried Rina unable to contain her excitement. No one said anything for a few seconds, all of their mouths were hanging wide open. Trisella was the only one not amused with her discovery. "Everyone knows that Secrete Keepers don't exist," she said while she examined her nails. "And even if they did a clumsy girl like you would never be able to find one." with that she flipped her short black hair and wallked away. Rina grounded her teeth and started after her with a angry retort on her lips but Pennet held her back. "Let her go, she's not worth it if there really is a Secrete Keeper in the basement of this place. Come on let's go!" he said. His words calmed Rina down for the time being so she followed him down to the basement with Ne'car at their heels. "This is the place!" Rina said excitedly as she pushed open the door that had been so rudely slammed on her back a few minutes before. The door creaked open slowly with much creaking and groaning. "Hello?" called Pennet. "Is anyone here? We're here to help you I promise!" he begged desperately. There was no answer. Not even a hint of sound whispered through the lonely place. It was absolutely silent. "Rina?" Pennet turned to her confused. "Are you sure there is anyone down here, maybe you just imagined it?" Rina felt her hands begin to sweat. " I...I di...didn't image...imagine it...it was..rrrr..real I promise!" she stuttered. "I don't think so Rina," replied Ne'car, shaking his head. His mouth was set in a disapproving line. But Rina could only stare into the disappointed eyes of Pennet. She had let them all down...agian. "There really is someone here I promise! Look there's a stove and everything!" She cried desperately. "What stove?" asked Ne'car. Rina turned to see that the whole room looked completely deserted. What in the world? Rina asked herself silently.Maybe when I got knocked out I just imagined I saw Celesity...that was her name wasn't it?" She thought. "Maybe I did just imagine it," she said with a sigh. Pennet and Ne'car turned to leave. "Come on we have school tomorrow remember?" Said Ne'car. "I don't want to get there late and have to sit outside with all the gangs again. They all look like they wanna shoot me somethin' fierce," he said with a shiver. Rina turned around and took one last look into the room. To her surprise she saw an almost transparent figure walk up to her and wink. "Celesity?!?!?!" yelled Rina. "You better believe it," said the phantom. Celesity slammed the door behind her. "No need to slam doors Rina," called Pennet. "There might still be alarms around here if you didn't already set them all off," He laughed. Rina's face flushed as she took one last look at the door then pounded up the stairs after him.......

I wrote this a long time ago...the first paragraph is kinda confusing but the rest of it is better....hope everyone enjoys!

I found nothing particularly wrong with the first part.

But as for your extremely long second paragraph I found several issues. You forgot to capitalize the first letter in each of the first two sentences. The things in red are notes, and some are things that I added, or moved around.

Rina crawled away from the group. she had no intention of crawling around some old museum storage room,when the real information could be found in the offices. since she was the smallest of the group, she found it easier to go and do what she thought needed to be done rather than try to argue her point with the others. Pennet was the only one who would listen to her, he listened to everyone with his bright expressive blue eyes making contact with hers as she spoke rather than darting around the room as if there was something better to do. But not even Penn would have followed her on this expedition. It was too risky, and she had a reputation of getting caught. No she had to do this alone. "How many traps are in this room," she asked her Hand-held Investigative Device (also known as H.I.D.E.) A friendly female voice responded,"there are 6 traps in room 503," "Do you know where they are?" she asked. "All traps are located by display case 60, president's items," relayed H.I.D.E."That's peculiar," mumbled Rina. "We haven't had a president in over 50 years! Ever since Iraq bombed the White House and took control. What could they be protecting oh(There's no need for the "oh" it sounds kind of redundant here) so carefully?" she wondered out loud. She took a step towards the display case. "Caution you are now in danger zone, please step back," warned H.I.D.E. Rinna stepped closer almost(It may sound better if you took out almost) mesmerized by the glowing display case. "You are now in the danger zone, please step back," H.I.D.E said a little louder. What if it's a piece of an important document? she thought. The first alarm went off, an eerie screeching whine. Rina didn't care, she stepped closer. "You are now in danger zone, please step back." Rina almost didn't see the trap door before she stepped on it. She stared down into the black hole and shrugged. She was still alive wasn't she? The enchanting display case beckoned her closer." Caution you are now in danger zone please step back!" Outside she heard gunfire. that didn't surprise her. The world had turned nasty over the years with no leader to guide them. Rina took two more steps. Two more alarms went off, each more louder that the first. "Caution you are now in danger zone, please step back." "Five more steps," she gasped. "One....two..three..ahhh," (Since she screamed you might want to change that comma into an exclamation mark)she screamed. A laser beam tore through her jeans and burnt her leg, she moaned. "Four...ugghh,"(Same here) another laser pierced her shoulder. Rina fought the darkness. "Five," she whispered and reached her hand into the display case with her last bit of energy. In the mist of the unbearable screeching alarms, her own groans, and the gunfire outside. A friendly(Why the extra word of "friendly"? Sorry, but it just sounds random. I'm sure you could find another word for it) female voice called, "you are now in the danger zone, please step back." Then, everything went black.

Onto paragraph three.

"Hello? is anyone home?" Rina slowly forced her aching eyes open. "Oh good, you're not dead," said a voice sarcastically.(Maybe you could use something like, "somebody said, their tone one of sarcasm." Or whatever variation you come up with) Rina's head ached and she felt very dizzy. "Where am I," she asked thickly. "Why is it everyone asks that when they wake up? Do you really want to know? Or are you just looking for a conversation starter?" Rina thoroughly confused and in desperate need of water only managed to groan. Her shoulder and leg stung and she felt blood oozing out of her ear. (Which ear? Left right?) The voice hummed a little then stopped suddenly, "There i go being rude again... I'm sorry, my name is Celesity, and I tend to get cranky when people intrude on MY property....but no matter. What's your name?" Rina searched her mind to remember who she was. "Corina, I think, but you can call me Rina.....I think," she said as she tried to sit up. Things were starting to clear up and if she remembered correctly she was NOT (I don't think it's necessary to use all caps to get your meaning across) in a safe place. Celesity handed her a little bowl of broth. It wasn't a fancy bowl but it did the job. Much like Celesity herself, she was a slightly short girl about Rina's age with dirty blond hair and striking hazel eyes. She wasn't extravagant like the show girls that danced in their neighborhoods at night for money.( It was the only job for woman these days), you had to be almost perfect to be one. Most of the show girl's beauty looked fake. No, Celesity Didn't look like a show girl, but(I think it sounds better if you omit the "but" of course you can ignore that.) she had a kind face, one that radiated real beauty. "Drink the broth and stop starin' you don't have a concussion, your pupils aren't dilated." (Change the period into a comma)said Celesity. Rina gratefully sipped the broth and examined her surroundings. Celesity obviously didn't live in comfort. She lived in what appeared to be a musty basement with old furniture and a VERY old stove that looked like it could break down any minute. She had no windows and a very mysterious chest sitting in the corner of the room. She had almost all the qualities of a....No it couldn't be... they're just myths! Thought Rina but suspicion kept niggling in her mind. Rina searched her mind to remember all she could about the myths of the Secrete Keepers. It was said they knew all the secretes of the Anarchy. But the most impressive was that they had the key to stop the Anarchy from destroying the world. The problem was that if ever one was discovered by the New Police Force,(also known as N.P.H) they would instantly be put to death, no trial, no proof of crime, no chance. You could tell if they were a Secrete Keeper or not by the special key they all supposedly wore around their necks. Rina had to know, "hey Celesity, ummm, could you help me uhh, change the bandage on my leg? It's soaked with blood." Celesity turned around with sarcastic words already dripping out of her mouth. But Rina didn't hear any of it, a key sparkled from around her neck, the Secrete Keeper's key. "You're, you're a Secrete leaper I....I mean a Secrete Keeper!!!!!!" she cried barely able to make out her own thoughts. Celesity stopped with her mouth hanging open. There was a stunned silence. Neither Celesity or Rina knew what to say. Celesity recovered first, "so there is still rumors about us floating around out there huh? That's not good." (Again here's another period that should be a comma. The poor little dot is confused about it's identity. )she said darkly. "But you can help us!!!! we desperately need your help, you have no idea how bad it's gotten!" she cried. "You can't even step outside without a gun! Girls run outside scantly dressed just for a job! The hospitals are bursting with Dying people and no one has money OR food!" Pleaded Rina, "you have the secretes! You can help!" Celesity glared at Rina and opened the door. "Thank you for stopping by to steal my artifacts and treasures, I'm sorry for any inconvenient injuries, please try to be more careful on your way out." she said in a monotone voice. Rina just stared, here this girl may have the power to stop the Anarchy and she was refusing to help! "Hello??? (You only need one question mark) I don't think you heard me straight, people are DYING!" she squeaked. "I can't help you." said Celesity angrily with a hint of regret. "Get out." (think you meant to use an exclamation mark) Rina was not about to give up but she needed help to convince this girl to help. "Alright I'll leave, but I'm coming back," she said defiantly. She walked out with her head held high. The door slammed behind her.................

You only need three dots.


The last paragraph

Rina ran up the stairs of what was the basement of the museum to search for her friends. They found her first, "Rina! Thank goodness your alive! When we heard the alarms go off we feared the worst." said Pennet. Rina looked around the small band of friends, she was very pleased to see they had all hung around anyway to see if she came out. It made her feel important. But she had other priorities she needed to cover before she could indulge in the warm feelings. So she tucked them away for later. "You guys, you won't believe what I found in the basement!" she said breathlessly. "What did you find?" asked Trisella only half interested. "I found a Secrete Keeper!" cried Rina unable to contain her excitement. No one said anything for a few seconds, all of their mouths were hanging wide open. Trisella was the only one not amused with her discovery. "Everyone knows that Secrete Keepers don't exist," she said while she examined her nails. "And even if they did a clumsy girl like you would never be able to find one." with that she flipped her short black hair and wallked away. Rina grounded her teeth and started after her with a angry retort on her lips but Pennet held her back. "Let her go, she's not worth it if there really is a Secrete Keeper in the basement of this place. Come on let's go!" he said. His words calmed Rina down for the time being so she followed him down to the basement with Ne'car at their heels. "This is the place!" Rina said excitedly as she pushed open the door that had been so rudely slammed on her back a few minutes before. The door creaked open slowly with much creaking and groaning. "Hello?" called Pennet. "Is anyone here? We're here to help you I promise!" he begged desperatly. (The correct spelling is "desperately") There was no answer. Not even a hint of sound whispered through the lonely place. It was absolutely silent. "Rina?" Pennet turned to her confused. "Are you sure there is anyone down here, maybe you just imagined it." (The period should be a question mark) Rina felt her hands begin to sweat. " I...I di...didn't image.....imagine it....it was..rrrr..real I promise!" she stuttered out. (You don't need to add the word "out" in fact it sounds better without it)"I don't think so Rina," replied Ne'car, shaking his head. His mouth was set in a dissaproving line. (The proper spelling is "disapproving") But Rina could only stare into the disappointed eyes of Pennet. She had let them all down.........agian. "There really is someone here I promise! Look there's a stove and everything!" She cried desperately. "What stove?" asked Ne'car. Rina turned to see that the whole room looked completely deserted. What in the world? Rina asked herself silently.Maybe when I got knocked out I just imagined I saw Celesity....that was her name wasn't it?" She thought. "Maybe I did just imagine it," she said with a sigh. Pennet and Ne'car turned to leave. "Come on we have school tomorrow remember?" Said Ne'car. "I don't want to get there late and have to sit outside with all the gangs again. They all look like they wanna shoot me somethin' fierce," he said with a shiver. Rina turned around and took one last look into the room. To her surprise she saw an almost transparent figure walk up to her and wink. "Celesity?!?!?!" yelled Rina. "You better believe it," said the ghost like thing. The it (Maybe you could substitute the word it for "phantom" or "ghost") slammed the door behind her. "No need to slam doors Rina," called Pennet. "There might still be alarms around here if you didn't already set them all off," He laughed. Rina's face flushed as she took one last look at the door then pounded up the stairs after him.......

Now that the hard part is done I will now officially speak my mind on your story. Quite honestly I loved it. You have suspense, Fantasy, and an anarchistic world. That equals awesome in my book. In fact, I have a book that is somewhat similar to this.

But, the one thing that I can criticize you on is your adding of unnecessary descriptions to your dialogue. Such as "she sarcastically said" etc... you get the idea. Yes it is true that they are perfectly fine to use, but they have to be executed well. And you use of more than one question mark takes away from the reading, as does your use of thing such as, ".........." all you really need is "..." that's one, two, three periods. Using more is just awkward.

Anyway welcome to the YWS!

hey i really love this so far!
make sure you keep going with it:) xxxx