If I'm old before I'm young

This is a poem I wrote based on a novel I'm working on. There's a man, 22 years old, in love with a woman who he promises to travel the world with. They finally get out on their own boat, but ride into a storm and get thrown into the sea. When he wakes up, he's in a strange place, in the body of an eight year old boy. The longer he spends there, the more of his old life he forgets.
'If I'm old before I'm young,' is the title of the novel, and I plan for this to be kind of like a prologue.

= = = = =

Fields of green brought forth the spring
and cast the eastern cliffs with gold,
while we watched the ocean and dreamt of foreign lands.

Then you came, with the sweetest laughter,
stories of all things enchanted,
and eyes filled with water and mist.

Those memories, now so unclear,
of haunted skies and lightening sparks,
are blurred behind a veil of salty water.

Now there's sunny days and careless times,
warm sands and cold winds,
and waves that wash your footprints away.

The cliffs out here are stained with red,
and with the will of a child I stand
and bare the bitterest of winds.

I clasp these tiny hands together,
while the chill of late August steals away
the warmth of a lovers embrace.

With the heart of a man
I long for you
to steal me from complexity.

Through the eyes of a child
I see your face
and seek the comfort you gave me.

So I ask;
am I a man, or am I a child?
Were we in love, or am I lost?

That was really pretty. It was sad and sweet at the same time, just how I like poems!Man, I usually correct people on their grammar and punctuation, but you were pretty flawless. I feel like I need to nitpick, but this poem was, in my opinion, pretty flawless.Awesome job!

--Dreamy

I really liked this poem, although, without you telling me what the story was about I never would have gathered that from this. Either way, I thought it was beautifully written and had great imagery. My favorite stanza had to be:

Now there's sunny days and careless times,
warm sands and cold winds,
and waves that wash your footprints away.

I can just imagine the waves washing on the shore. And the metaphor for lost memories is so powerful.

As for my critique, I have to say your ending was rather weak. It is kind of like watching a great movie and then the ending totally sucks. It ruins the whole movie for me, you know?

So I ask;am I a man, or am I a child?
Were we in love, or am I lost?

I think that if you get rid of that last line, it would make the ending much more dramatic and powerful. Hoped this helped! Keep writing!

That was really good. It was pretty. I like your story idea. It sounds interesting. Maybe one day you'll get it published then I can go to the store and buy a copy and say to my friends, "I know this guy who wrote this book."

the warmth of a lovers embrace.

I think "lovers" should be possessive. "lover's"

-Cressy

This is such a beautiful poem.
I'm not normally a person to read poems but this was absolutely gorgeous. The way you describe the settings and feelings in the poem make me melt

Keep it up

~ emiliedanae.