Diary of Kidnapping...Chapter 2

Dear Mimi,


I have been strikng against the hard wood door for most of the day, my heart beating against my rib cage violently trying to escape. My stomach has been roaring for food all day. I have given up eating the potatoes not wanting to go through the pain I am forced to endure when I ever I eat through the hard raw flesh. The mouse has come out again, snuffling around for morsels of food. I am too weak to give it some food; I am to weak to even move.
I am surprised I am even writing this down. My fingers are moving quickly though even as I write these words I feel as if they are aliens to me. Today or at least the time I had been forced to stand nearly naked in front of this so called “Boss” had not been fun.
His eyes are so dead and unforgiving; he refers to me as his future tramp. I would never become a tramp for no one! I would never sell myself out like that by giving the one thing that is mine to some fool. His guards are not patient as he, they try to grope at my legs as I walk past them or rather dragged.
I am too tired to cry, scream or lash out; I am too weak to even move. They gave me something though, the boss. He said he made me look pretty he said I should be thankful, I don’t think I should be thankful especially now since I can only see out of one eye...
I felt their meaty hands dig tightly into my bare wrist as they pulled me through the maze of stairwells leading deep into the ground. The sound of leaking water tapping against gravel walk way echoed through the thin pale walls blocking in any type of escape. The large men tower over me as they pushed my limp body through. My feet struck against the marble tiles, pain shooting up my toes as they stubbed the sharp tiles.
“Hurry the boss is becoming impatient” A sharp voice hissed in front of me, I looked up slowly my brown hair falling in my matching eyes. A stout looking man held a long modelled black gun tightly in his hands staring at me with distaste.
“Yes” The two tall brawn man holding me nodded mechanically following hurriedly after the stout mans receding figure. The faint light above my head flickered simultaneously dimming slightly. I lowered my head again staring back towards the ground. Their large black boots were flicked with hard crusted blood; I felt my stomach heave nauseatingly.
“Quickly bring her in” the voice of the stout man hissed again. Two large oak doors folded back revealing people crowded on the sides of white washed walls. Dust covered every inch of the floor, people foot prints were still left in the remnants. At the back was a wooden podium swept clean, satin rugs were thrown on the top neatly lining the expensive looking throne which sat in the middle. A balding man sat in the large throne slouched across the side; his handsome face was marred with large scratch marks running down the left side of his face. His sandy blonde hair was turning into faint wisps on the side of his shining skull. His hard gray eyes looked like pebbles instead of eyes.
“This is her” He said rather dismissively refusing to stare me in the eyes. “Why I thought she would have at least looked a little prettier, I mean I know you said she wasn’t that easy on the eyes but still”. I felt the insult strike at my heart, though it was already too wounded to take any effect on me.
“Forgive us your richness” the two masked man holding me let go of my wrists bowing deeply towards the rotten man in the throne. I fell towards the ground in a clump, closing my eyes tightly I listened to my heart beating in my ears. I began to push myself up, exhaling my breath in pain as I straightened into a weak sitting position. I clutched at my stomach closing my eyes at the pain.
“Have the X-Hunters been informed of her kidnapping?” The rotten man asked snidely, turning away from me in disgust.
“The grandparents have been informed yet they refuse to pay up for the girl” One of the masked man said informatively. I blinked at my hands confused. X-Hunters? Grandparents; Grandma and Grandpa Quinn? What did they have to do with any of this, and why wasn’t my grandparents giving them the money. I knew they didn’t like my family very much because of my mother’s choice of husbands though I didn’t think it was that far that they would let me die in the hands of these brutes.
“Well I believe we just might have to give them a warning that we are serious about this” The rotten man spat angrily.
“I believe so your richness” The other man nodded
“Bring the girl to me” I felt the two men seize my wrists pulling me towards the podium. I tried to fight their hold squirming around as quickly as I could. They dropped me gruffly at the step of the majestic podium stepping back rapidly to escape the “Boss”.
Descending the stairs towards me, he smiled at the others around him waving his hands around him poetically. Crouching down next to me he raised my chin with two of his scrawny fingers.
“My my such a young girl, so much life ahead of you. Too bad your grandparents don’t agree” I saw him move his hand into the folds of his coarse shirt, pulling out a dagger he stared into my coal brown eyes.
“Guards bring me some paper” he chirped bring the blade up to my face. I began to gasp trying to move back. I felt something heavy drop on to my back as I tried to wriggle out from underneath it.
“No please don’t kill me!” I screeched my voice hoarse.
“Oh but child” he took the piece of paper holding it under my chin “I have not plan to kill you, just blind you” He plunged his dagger into my left eye. The burning pain of steel in my pupil made me wrench in pain roaring in to the air. The fiery pain spread through my body, my shoulders shook as he pulled back the steel a bit of the white jelly and blood marred the blade. I clutched at my eye roaring at the raw pain. Stars began to form as tears mixed with the blood trickling through my fingers.
Thanks to him I now have this white patch covering my wounded eye. It feels like someone has lit up my whole face with turpentine and used lava to ignite the small licks of chemicals. It is eating at me; my own spew pools around me are beginning to bring flies as my body ejects blood and bile.
I can’t see that clearly through my other eye, it blurs way to easily making it hard for a proper vision.
The rotten man wrapped the blade in the paper making sure to keep the gunk on the sharp blade intact.
“It makes you look prettier” He cackled “Someone give this girl a patch and get her out of my sight!” He roared as the guards wrenched at my hair dragging me back towards the dingy cellar I am forced to reside.
I haven’t seen natural light in at least a weak my tan skin colour is turning sickly in effect. I am so hungry my stomach is eating itself in attempt to scavenge food. I stare at this piece of paper thinking that maybe my grandparents have received the blade with some of the gunk of my eye on it and wish that they did pay up. What ever an X-Hunter it is I know I hate it and my grandparents and that rotten man!

Regards Your Loving Prin


Thanks to all who commented and who offered advice, I will try to use it.
Please comment

This is just as good as the first chapter. I can feel the pain she went through when the man removed her eyeball. Ouch! Your style of description is excellent, I can visualize the setting in my head. I too am not good at gramma, but I did not notice any typo, spelling or gramma mistakes. Usually when you have a story that is good and fast-paced, you tend to overlook the mistakes. Looking forward to the next chapter.

Ok. This is kind of a review of Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 combined. I love them both. They are both really fast paced and well thought out. In the first one, there were a few typos and grammar errors, but not many. Overall it was really good. In the second one, there were less grammar errors and typos. I can't wait for the next part to come out. Keep it up!

Hi Apple!
Lava here again.

This is good. The parts of Prin being tortured is good. I have a few corrections for you. Hope it helps.

Apple wrote:Dear Mimi,


I have been strikngstriking against the hard wood door for most of the day, my heart beating against my rib cage violently trying to escape.Try putting it as another sentence. Sounds better that way My stomach has been roaring for food all day. I have given up eating the potatoes not wanting to go through the pain I am forced to endure whenIever I eat through the hard raw flesh. The mouse has come out again, snuffling around for morsels of food. I am too weak to give it some food; I am toWrong to! too weak to even move.
I am surprised I am even writing this down. My fingers are moving quickly though, even as I write these words, I feel as if they are aliens to me. Today or at least the time I had been forced to stand nearly naked in front of this so called “Boss” had not been fun.
His eyes are so dead and unforgiving; he refers to me as his future tramp. I would never become a tramp for no one! I would never sell myself out like that by giving the one thing that is mine to some fool. His guards are not patient as he, they try to grope at my legs as I walk past them or rather dragged.
I am too tired to cry, scream or lash out; I am too weak to even move.You are repeating the same thing. They gave me something though, the boss.They is plural, while the boss isn't. A little confusion, I bet. He said he made me look pretty he said I should be thankful, I don’t think I should be thankful especially now since I can only see out of one eye...
I felt their meaty hands dig tightly into my bare wrist as they pulled me through the maze of stairwells leading deep into the ground. The sound of leaking water tapping against gravel walk way echoed through the thin pale walls blocking in any type of escape. The large men tower over me as they pushed my limp body through. My feet struck against the marble tiles, pain shooting up my toes as they stubbed the sharp tiles.
“Hurry the boss is becoming impatient” A sharp voice hissed in front of me, I looked up slowly my brown hair falling in my matching eyes. A stout looking man held a long modelled black gun tightly in his hands staring at me with distaste.
“Yes” The two tall brawn men holding me nodded mechanically following hurriedly after the stout man's receding figure. The faint light above my head flickered simultaneously dimming slightly. I lowered my head again staring back towards the ground. Their large black boots were flicked with hard crusted blood; I felt my stomach heave nauseatingly.
“Quickly bring her in” the voice of the stout man hissed again. Two large oak doors folded back revealing people crowded on the sides of white washed walls. Dust covered every inch of the floor, people's foot prints were still left in the remnants. At the back was a wooden podium swept clean, satin rugs were thrown on the top neatly lining the expensive looking throne which sat in the middle. A balding man sat in the large throne slouched across the side; his handsome face was marred with large scratch marks running down the left side of his face. His sandy blonde hair was turning into faint wisps on the side of his shining skull. His hard gray eyes looked like pebbles instead of eyes.
“This is her” He said rather dismissively refusing to stare me in the eyes. “Why I thought she would have at least looked a little prettier, I mean I know you said she wasn’t that easy on the eyes but still”. I felt the insult strike at my heart, though it was already too wounded to take any effect on me.
“Forgive us your richness” the two masked man holding me let go of my wrists bowing deeply towards the rotten man in the throne. I fell towards the ground in a clump, closing my eyes tightly I listened to my heart beating in my ears. I began to push myself up, exhaling my breath in pain as I straightened into a weak sitting position. I clutched at my stomach closing my eyes at the pain.
“Have the X-Hunters been informed of her kidnapping?” The rotten man asked snidely, turning away from me in disgust.
“The grandparents have been informed yet they refuse to pay up for the girl” One of the masked man said informatively. I blinked at my hands confused. X-Hunters? Grandparents; Grandma and Grandpa Quinn? What did they have to do with any of this, and why wasn’t my grandparents giving them the money. I knew they didn’t like my family very much because of my mother’s choice of husbands though I didn’t think it was that far that they would let me die in the hands of these brutes.
“Well I believe we just might have to give them a warning that we are serious about this” The rotten man spat angrily.
“I believe so your richness” The other man nodded
“Bring the girl to me” I felt the two men seize my wrists pulling me towards the podium. I tried to fight their hold squirming around as quickly as I could. They dropped me gruffly at the step of the majestic podium stepping back rapidly to escape the “Boss”.
Descending the stairs towards me, he smiled at the others around him waving his hands around him poetically. Crouching down next to me he raised my chin with two of his scrawny fingers.
“My my such a young girl, so much life ahead of you. Too bad your grandparents don’t agree” I saw him move his hand into the folds of his coarse shirt, pulling out a dagger he stared into my coal brown eyes.
“Guards bring me some paper” he chirped bring the blade up to my face. I began to gasp trying to move back. I felt something heavy drop on to my back as I tried to wriggle out from underneath it.
“No please don’t kill me!” I screeched my voice hoarse.
“Oh but child” he took the piece of paper holding it under my chin “I have not plan to kill you, just blind you” He plunged his dagger into my left eye. The burning pain of steel in my pupil made me wrench in pain roaring in to the air. The fiery pain spread through my body, my shoulders shook as he pulled back the steel a bit of the white jelly and blood marred the blade. I clutched at my eye roaring at the raw pain. Stars began to form as tears mixed with the blood trickling through my fingers.Good
Thanks to him I now have this white patch covering my wounded eye. It feels like someone has lit up my whole face with turpentine and used lava to ignite the small licks of chemicals. It is eating at me; my own spew pools around me are beginning to bring flies as my body ejects blood and bile.
I can’t see that clearly through my other eye, it blurs way too (The wrong too again ,dear. easily making it hard for a proper vision.
The rotten man wrapped the blade in the paper making sure to keep the gunk on the sharp blade intact.
“It makes you look prettier” He cackled “Someone give this girl a patch and get her out of my sight!” He roared as the guards wrenched at my hair dragging me back towards the dingy cellar I am forced to reside.
I haven’t seen natural light in at least a weak my tan skin colour is turning sickly in effect. I am so hungry my stomach is eating itself in attempt to scavenge food. I stare at this piece of paper thinking that maybe my grandparents have received the blade with some of the gunk of my eye on it and wish that they did pay up. What ever an X-Hunter it is I know I hate it and Try 'I know I hate it as well as my grandparents and that rotten man! Sounds better that way. my grandparents and that rotten man!

Regards Your Loving Prin

Apple, this is good. It started out a little dull but it was good, much better, toward the end. I notice grammar is a little weak. Concentrate on that. As compared to the first chapter, I think that was better. I think it's because overall, I didn't find it to bore me, while this slightly did in the beginning. Good work anyways.

Cheers,
~Lava

Hey i read/reviewed your last chapter and have to say that once again i am positively impressed (although slightly jealous of your writing technique. It is consistently good. I found one bit that i didn't understand :

I looked up slowly my brown hair falling in my matching eyes

What do you mean by matching eyes. It seems like a kind of odd sentence, aren't most people's eyes matching? At the start of the story i thought you have really good flow, and your sentences are just the right length, there's something about it. Although towards the end my mind started to wander and i wondered why. There was all this amazing stuff happening like for e.g he pulls out a dagger, and for some reason even that can't really excite me. I think its because your not using short sentences at the exciting parts. When someone reads an exciting part they tend to want to read faster and therefore short sentences help and they make it suspenseful. I'm sorry i just criticized you as this is a brilliant story, it seems really planned and well thought out, everything that happens you think "Ooo i wonder what that will mean in the next bit" Well done i think you and this story has heaps of potential.

I Love this it's so sad and incredible. I'm trying to write a story right now where this girl is kidnapped but it's not fantasy or anything it's modern day and I'm really really stuck... anyway Good Job! could you PM me when more is written?

(I have been sick for a week and am not thinking clearly so forgive me if my review sucks.)
Hey Apple,
I really like this story so far:) I did read the first one but I didn't have time to review it.
I love how descriptive it is and I love the part about the eye ball--that really hurt!-- and I did eat a raw potato once on a dare and she's right, they're discussing and I barfed it up eminently! lol
I didn't see any spelling or grammar that wasn't already mentioned.
Can't wate for the next one!

-Hippie_vampire.