Found

Like Romeo and Juliet, our love is forbidden
So we’ll have to keep it secret, we’ll have to keep it hidden

I wish it was painless, for both you and me
But I realized something vital, I realized something key

Love is a battle
A battle for land
Don’t give up the fight
For our love, it is grand

So let’s escape this city and fly far away
A place for our love, where forever we shall stay

I know it will be tough, I know will hard
But baby, this love we just can’t discard

Love is a battle
A battle for land
Don’t give up the fight
For our love, it is grand

(Guitar solo)

So come on baby, fly with me
Our love’s in the air, can’t you see?

Our hearts will sky rocket to the moon
Forever in sync, forever in tune

So come on baby fly away
In a night, or in a day

For as long as we aren’t found
our world will keep spinning round.

Love is a battle
A battle for land
Don’t give up the fight
For our love, it is grand

For as long as we aren’t found
our world will keep spinning round and round.

This was a nice start! I liked it but I found it very cliche. You start out the song with "
Romeo and Juliet" which was like a big red sign with "overdone" written all over it. There's nothing original about your song but its sweet so you're on a good track.

To make it better, I would try to add a twist. Make your song different from the rest of all the sappy love songs out there.

JC

Hey i think Romeo and Juliet love stories are always sweet take Love Story- Taylor Swift for example. Yeah it is a bit cliche but its almost so cliche that it seems like its meant to be like that. I like how short the verses/ choruses are. I love this part

Our hearts will sky rocket to the moon
Forever in sync, forever in tune

Don't know why but it just speaks to me. I disliked this line :

So come on baby, fly with me
Our love’s in the air, can’t you see?

The fly with me part just reminds me of Michael Buble and the "Our loves in the air can't you see" part just sounds like thats the only thing you could find that rhymes. Anyway good job for one so young Well done and don't stop writing

The major problem is not that it's over done. This lyric has potential -- you have an ear for sounds and rhythm -- but everything about it seems forced. I got no emotion out of them. The rhymes in your couplets sounded forced and unnatural, and they were very typical and very, very direct. When dealing with a subject like this it comes off as terribly cheesy, which is doing your subject matter a huge disservice.

My advice would be to get out of the mind lock of rhymes for a little bit, and read POETRY, as well as lyrics. I don't know if you're already into him but if you like rhyming, spend time listening to Bob Dylan. (The man is the Rhyme Master, and he hands everything in an interesting and evocative way.)

Moral of the story: don't force your lyrics into a mold just for rhyme. It's noticeable and it sounds forced and cheesy. Keep working -- you've got potential, and, as I said above, obviously an ear for sound, which will serve you well.

Good luck!

This is beautiful.!! It's one of those songs that would be my favorite if it was a real song. Love it.!!

I agree with @thefireinmeisJC: it is a tad cliche. I also find the whole a little short, almost like I'm expecting something else, but it never comes. Maybe you could add to it, try to prove the point of the song a little more.

What I did like what how you started. I was very drawn to the first verse and I loved the way you rhymed in the verses.

Try to work on it a little more to make it an even better song.

Keep writing, Chrissie