Of Light and Of Life

Light plays on rooftops, life plays below
A desperate race for an ending unknown.
Light runs unfettered, haloing clouds,
An immortal childhood since the ages of old.

Life thinks too little, too little too loud
Watches light who says all without a sound
Over Himalayan snow-tops and city grime,
Caressing the children, white, red, brown.

And life breeds philosophers, artists who try
To capture the colors and spirits of light.
But rules and paints and wise words, much loved
Can never hold light from its soaring heights,
Can never, shall never, pin light down to life.

Beautiful, maestro! I really liked this because of the rhyming scheme but after I finished reading, I felt like I didn't understand what exactly you're trying to communicate.

The third and last stanza didn't seem to flow as well as the first two especially since it has five lines instead of four. I would recommend trying to make the third stanza four lines for continuity.

Overall, nice! And Welcome to YWS

JC

Hey there! Welcome to YWS! You might want to go and review some other people's work, too, because then you're more likely to a response. That said, here we go:

The concept for this poem was lovely. And in fact, what made your writing of it so fantastic was that I couldn't really interpret that until about half way into it - which left the first stanza to provide a very effective build-up. I really enjoyed the first stanza, actually - "immortal childhood", "runs unfettered" and "haloing clouds" being my favourite bits of imagery. But in a way, this is a slight disadvantage, because it undermines the rest of your adjectives by having too many at the start, or at least in my opinion.

The final stanza was the weakest - as thefireinmeisJC pointed out, having an extra line really disrupts the flow and feels too bulky, like you can't fit them into the rest of the poem. I kind of find, in fact, that the last two lines especially are quite throwaway - it's as if they should be sort of concluding the entire poem, but they just don't because they're underdeveloped and beg for more description. As a quick fix, remove the fourth line - "soaring heights" being rather overused - but you're a poet, so you should want to do more.

This is all boils down to why; why can't words capture life (irony, much?); why can't painters pin down life? There's making the reader think, and there's just throwing away a great idea in the hope that the reader won't care and will just nod along with you. Try being more subtle in your approach to stating it would be my advice, as you are in the first two stanza, since answering a question like that well can be difficult.

Anyway, I hope I helped! In short, this was very well written. Now it's time to give it a clean-up. =D Let me know if I can help with anything else.

Best
Blinky

Wow a beautiful poem . The concept was brilliant but the last stanza was your weakest. Overall a good job

I really like this. It is probably the best poem I have read all day.

I want to comment on your structure. At first I liked it, but as I read on, I got distracted by it. I kept thinking about it and how it was hard to follow the lines. I mean, it looks cool and all, but it very distracting.

I think your concept is overused, but you made it your own. You added creative phrases that I love, especially the last line. It ties together everything you were saying.

What I love most about his poem is that it actually has an ending.

bravo, keep writing.

Classy

Thanks everyone, for the welcomes and the reviews.

You guys are right about the last stanza--I wasn't sure what to do with it so I kind of just got lazy and wrote whatever.

But definitely, as Blink said, I should want to do more. I'll try an edit then.