Anatomy of a Shooter [2]

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Let's see... where were we?? Oh, yes....

..I let a small gasp escape me as I took in what I was witnessing.
A small movement in the corner of my eye finally made me blink. Gaping and surprised, I shuffled over to Alexis (my best friend, that was her name), and asked her, "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?"
"Seeing?! Jesus Christ, Bonnie! What do you think I am, blind?!?" Her sarcasm brightened our situation a little more. It made me look back at what should have been the basketball court.
The floor was blood-red instead of the uniform royal blue and pure white that glossed our gym usually. A small basketball sat in the middle, on a darker red half-court line. It looked like a basketball court, but it sure as hell wasn't ours. The bleachers were replaced with padded chairs sitting next to long tables all facing the court, and everything smelt of pomegranates and citrus fruit. At half-court on the Home side of the gym, in what used to be the bleachers, there were two large thrones of pure white. Fur of some kind covered them, and the arms reached out invitingly to me as I stared.
"Well, well, well, Alexis. Look what we got ourselves into. We're locked in a gym stuck halfway in medieval times with nothing but a cup of coffee, candy, and some sweaty gym socks. Whoop." I look at her in mock celebration. She tries to kick me.
What a great friend.
"We're not going to get out of here, are we?"
"I don't know." She is in despair, gazing at something in her hands. Looking closer, I see it's her cellular device. It ran out of batteries. "Something is weird about this room, though. I don't think we're alone. For right now, let's just shoot around, since that's just about all we can do."
She agrees. We continue with this for an hour or so. I swished my hundredth three-pointer when the lights dim.
Suddenly all of the chairs are filled with transparent bodies, all of them wearing elegant clothing. The most beautiful apparel was worn by the couple sitting in the large thrones. They were dazzling. In the smaller throne, a tall blond woman sat cross-legged in a sleek black dress that showed her lovely legs. Her hair was perfect, reflecting the light at every angle, making her look like she had a halo. The man was stout but sturdy, holding a wine glass with one hand and what looked to be the hilt of a sword with the other. He was barely taller than the beautiful woman, but equally as handsome. His outfit was composed of a silky purple robe, making him appear as if he was rolling by, not just walking. Around his neck was a fur scarf that followed along the line of the robe.
For some reason, I found it impolite to be indulging in their beauty, so I picked up my basketball and practiced my left-handed lay-ups. Over and over again, until I consecutively made them. It seemed to gloss my confusion for a moment; I was calming down. The transparent people were creeping me out.
Left foot forward, dribble the ball once. Right foot, pick it up. Left again, bringing your knee up and lifting the ball with your left hand to the basket. Drop it in.
Success. This line of thoughts filled my head repetitively until it was like a rhythm, something that went straight to my muscles instead of in my head. It almost brought me sanity, and definitely gave me a little courage in this foreign gym. The world could be ending, bit all I'd have to do is stick a basketball in my hands and find a rim. Instant chill pill. I concentrated this same determination on how to get out of the gym... until I found myself distracted yet again.
A bell sounded to let a cage grow out of the ground and meet with a similar one extending from the ceiling. There was absolutely no way out of this gym now.
The man in the purple robe stood up from his throne. I could see through his neck and wrists, the only parts that weren't covered by fabric of some sort. Was he a ghost? "My people," he said, "We have gathered here today to watch two mortal women play our beloved game of basketball against the unbeatable team of Euromanians. As the rules are stated, they can not win unless they win. They cannot lose unless they lose. And you-" he pointed to me "cannot win unless your ball handling gets better."
"What the hell?!" Screamed Alexis, kicking her basketball. I watched it hit the cage wall, and saw scars where it had touched. Great, electric fences. They've got us in here like dogs in a kennel. A 3,000 kilowatt kennel.
I walked over and picked up the now singed basketball she kicked, then sprinted back to Alexis. I touched her arm and she started to whisper a complaint in my ear.
"Bonnie..."
"Shut up and keep your temper."
"But..."
"Do it. Those cage bars... They're electric. If you want to get out of here, we're going to have to get burnt. Are you listening?" Her hand was reaching out towards the gray bars that surrounded us.
"Huh? Yeah." Her hand jolted back.
"Okay." I said, "Good. We're not getting out of this cage, or this gym, for that matter, if we don't win this basketball game. These people we're playing... I think they're going to be good. All you have to do is--"
I got cut off as cold fingers wrapped around my arm and whipped me away. A tall man stood in front of me, he was trying to hand me a uniform. I took it, and asked where the bathroom was. I wasn't about to change out in from of... whatever these people were. A silent finger pointed towards a door in the cage that led into a caged doorway, through a shut-off hall, and into a utility room that smelt of rotting apricots. Gross.
Last edited by icanbefixed on Sat Jan 30, 2010 3:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
The hardest mountain to climb will have the greatest view. Everything at a different angle: memories serve as double vision, a view from the valleys as well as the precipice. But everything that goes up must come down.The descent from the peak will be twice as graceful & three times as difficult




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Good work truly, I haven't read your other one so I guess I am going to right now...though....you wrote so well I thought I had read the first one trully good job! :elephant:
I spy!




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Thank yahs!
The hardest mountain to climb will have the greatest view. Everything at a different angle: memories serve as double vision, a view from the valleys as well as the precipice. But everything that goes up must come down.The descent from the peak will be twice as graceful & three times as difficult




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This was an interesting and unique idea. I'm not totally sure that I got it, or if there was something specifically to get, but either way I enjoyed it. Your writing is very good and you've got some good word choices, though I would go back through with a thesaurus and tighten certain parts up, add a little more variety. But I'm nitpicking anyway, it's definitely good.

Keep it up!
"Believe nothing, no matter where you've read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."
-Buddha




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Yo,
good to see that the idea didn't evaporate but continues growing!
Here is my contribution for hopefully making it better:
1. emotion - the jump from playful banter to despair is too sudden. Proposition: either have the girl think about her friend's abrupt switch of moods, or weave in a transitional sentance between the two moods.
2. missing hour - there is a missing hour of exploration, which stands a bit like a patch. Proposition: if you don't feel like describing it in detail, at least add 2 - 3 more sentances with broad descriptions, or the protagonist's thoughts concerning it.
3. tenses - I also tend to switch tenses sometimes, but I make sure that they have separate paragraphs. A tense change every sentence sort of disrupts the rhythm.
4. dribbling away with the ball - after seeing the transparent figures, our heorine suddenly starts frolicing with the ball. Unless this will all turn out to be a dream sequence and thus justify the absurdities in behavior, you better include at least some inner dialogue in which she takes this decision and why. And what about her friend? She's capable of exactly the same laid back detachment? If so - you have to baby talk to the reader by spelling it out in separate sentences.
And there we are! :D I hope that was useful
she got a dazed impression of a whirling chaos in which steel flashed and hacked, arms tossed, snarling faces appeared and vanished, and straining bodies collided, rebounded, locked and mingled in a devil's dance of madness.
Robert Howard



It takes as much imagination to create debt as to create income.
— Leandro Orr