Under the Georgia Stars

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(Welcome to Adairsville, Georgia. Population 2,542. Christine Fermores is running, but she doesn’t know where to. It comes to a shock to her when she pulls down the familiar lane that she once lived on. It came to an even bigger surprise to her to find how little the town had changed. She’s greeted with unbearable love and support and it nearly overwhelms her. When she thought love no longer existed to her, it comes in the form of a spiritual man with a broken past. She is so shaken by a teenage girl who has run away from home…a girl with a secret past no one knows. Will she be able to find the will not to escape when the thing she’s running from comes knocking on her door…or will she run and lose everything? Including her last shot at love? )




Chapter 1
A hot stream of tears raced its way down Christine Fermores cheek, as she cruised down the highway. She had been crying so hard, her eyes were swollen. She didn’t think she could drive much longer without going off the side of the road. She drew in a sharp breath as the Exit 71 sign passed over head. She pulled right, nearly hitting another car as she exited the busy highway. Honks from the other cars drifted to her ears as she pulled to a stop at a red light. Her head swam with the onslaught.

What am I doing? She thought, glancing around her as she pulled left down a bumpy gravel road. Here and there were a few gas stations followed by a few houses she recognized. She passed the Church that marked the road she was supposed to turn on. Christie took a shaky breath and turned right. She doesn’t want me back. Why would she? After all, I left her here all by herself, so I could go live my dream. Who am i kinding? It's not like I actually got to do it. She sighed as the familiar house came in sight. She slowed down and was prepared to pull in when a car whipped passed her and pulled into the driveway before her. She glared as a tall man, stepped out the drivers’ side, slamming the door and hurrying inside the house. She pulled up behind the old Sedan, shut her car off and sat there. Hot tears still trickled down her cheeks, but not as hard as before. She wiped her eyes on her sleeve, glancing behind her at the boxes of stuff in the back of her SUV. Big as it was, it wouldn’t hold all of her belongings, forcing her to leave some stuff behind in a warehouse. A quick glance in the rearview mirror at her appearance, and grimaced. Her long chestnut brown hair hung in shaggy strands past her shoulders. Her blue eyes were swollen from crying, and her cheeks were blotchy. She sighed as she leaned back against the seat.
I can’t hold this out any longer. She thought, as she opened the door and slipped out. She watched her feet carry her forward up the rugged driveway, in deadly need of repair. The cracks in the stones were clearly visable, along with the weeds poking out in between the cracks. She kept her eyes on her feet as she walked up the three steps that carried her to the door. Taking another shaky breath, she knocked on the door three times, barely tapping. What am I doing? Maybe I should just leave…she won’t even know I was here. She started to turn, but the opening of the door stopped her. She looked up as the doorway was filled by that same man who had been so rude. Her eyes narrowed to slits. He was very tall, so she had to raise her chin a little, making him appear even taller. His own face was void of expression, except for the scowl that started to appear on his sculpted lips. Her eyes went from his mouth, up his straight nose to his eyes and stopped. Green. Like Bens’. She felt another tear run down her cheek as she lowered her head. His scowl softened.
“Can I help you?” His voice was deep, and strong. She took a deep breath and looked up again.
“Is Lola here?” She whispered. Her eyes skittered away from his stare.
“I’m sorry?” he asked, looking at her. He cleared his throat and looked away, unnerved by her tears.
“I’m looking for Lola.” She repeated, her voice stronger. He frowned and turned his head. She toke a few steps back, unaware of how close she was to the edge of the porch.
“Lola!” he bellowed. Christie inhaled a sharp breath and took another step back, and tripped over the top step. She let out a yelp as she realized she was going to fall. She closed her eyes, ready for the impact. A spilt second before she hit the ground strong arms closed around her, saving her from the embarrassment. She glanced up at the sound of someone at the doorway.
“Ja…CHRISTIE!” Lola Fermores let out a shriek that took Christie by surprise. Christie glanced up a sad smile on her thin lips. Welcome home Christine.
Last edited by *singerofthenight* on Wed Feb 10, 2010 4:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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*singerofthenight* wrote:Welcome to Adairsville, Georgia. Population 2,542. Christine Fermores is running, but she doesn’t know where to. It comes to a shock to her when she pulls down the familiar lane that she once lived on. It came to an even bigger surprise to her to find how little the town had changed. She’s greeted with unbearable love and support and it nearly overwhelms her. When she thought love no longer existed to her, it comes in the form of a spiritual man with a broken past. She is so shaken by a teenage girl who has run away from home…a girl with a secret past no one knows. Will she be able to find the will not to escape when the thing she’s running from comes knocking on her door…or will she run and lose everything? Including her last shot at love?

Okay, I'm going to be blunt here. The summary at the beginning of the story? I think I'd put SUMMARY or something above it so people aren't confused. Because I thought this was a really weird (and bad) story until I'm like, "OH! Summary!"


Characters:

1. Christine Fermores (Christie) – 32. Run away teacher.And does she actually do any teaching during the story? If so, take it out. Returns home after eight years.
2. Lola Fermores (Lulu)- 85. Christine’s grandma. Devastated when Christine left. She is very surprised and happy when Christine returns home. Owns the town Bed and Breakfast, Sage Cottage. Is a matchmaker. Has an eye on a nice young man for her Christine. She is a very devout Christian. This seems cliche. Throw in something else to make Lola interesting.
3. Jacob Bergs (Jake) – 36. Devout Christian preacher who moved to town six years ago. Preacher at Zion’s Lighthouse.
4. Ann Turner (Anne) – 33. Christie’s best friend through high school. Married to Ed Turner. She has three kids: Charlie, Summer and Josh.
5. Ed Turner (Eddy) – 39. Local hardware store owner. Took over business after his dad retired. Married to Ann Turner. Three kids: Charlie, Summer and Josh.
6. Wanda Leeson (Andy) – 63. Lola’s next door neighbor. Town gossip.
7. Ben Shears (Ben) – 35. Christie’s ex-fiancé. He called off the wedding two weeks before the big day. Big city accountant.
8. Sophie Harris (Sophie) – 30. Christie’s so called good friend from college. Betrayed her by having an affair with Ben while they were engaged. Ben left Christie for Sophie two weeks before the wedding.
9. Lucy Daniels. (Luce) – 17. Run away teen with a hidden past. Lola takes her in. Okay, can I be blunt again? I had to snort when I read "with a hidden past". Because that's been used way too many times.
10. Daniel Lenox (Dan) – 18. Local star football player. Falls for Lucy.
11. Kevin Douglas (Kev) – 18. Daniel’s best friend and quarterback of the football team.
12. Marissa Tanner (Mari) 17. Head cheerleader. Has a thing for Daniel. Despises Lucy because Daniel pays so much attention to her.
13. Kasi White (Kas) – 16. Kevin’s adopted sister. Has a leukemia. Befriends Lucy.
14. Doug Lenox (Doug) – 38. Daniel’s father. Owns the town Café.
15. Maria Vanderson (Maria) – 31. Local kindergarden teacher. Has a thing for Doug. Befriends Christie.

Again, this is reading more like a script or a blurb rather than an actual story. If I didn't catch the "Chapter 1" below, I'd be majorly confused and a bit angry. Please label what's what.

Chapter 1

A hot stream Of what? Tears? Mustard? Hard rain coming through the cracked sunroof? raced its way down Christine Fermores' cheek, as she cruised down the highway. She had been crying so hard, her eyes were nearly shut. Is that realistic? I've cried for two hours and my eyes haven't come shut. She didn’t think she could drive much longer without going off the side of the road. She drew in a sharp breath as the Exit 71 sign passed over her head. Over her head? Realism is the key here, dear. Because right now I'm just confused. She pulled right, nearly hitting another car as she exited the busy highway. Honks from the other cars drifted to her ears as she pulled to a stop at a red light. Her head swam with the onslaught. Nice last line.
What am I doing? She thought, glancing around her as she pulled left down a well-used road. And she knows how? Here and there were a few gas stations followed by a few houses she recognized. She passed the Church that marked the road she was supposed to turn on. Christie took a shaky breath and turned right. She doesn’t want me back. Why would she? After all, I left her here all by herself, so I could go live my dream. And the dream is what? She sighed as the familiar house came in sight. She slowed down and was prepared to pull in when a car whipped passed her and pulled into the driveway before her. She glared as a man, a very tall man, stepped out the drivers’ side Awkward phrasing here., slamming the door and hurrying inside the house. She pulled up behind the old Sedan, shut her car off and sat there. Hot tears still trickled down her cheeks, but not as hard as before. She wiped her eyes on her sleeve, glancing behind her at the boxes of stuff in the back of her SUV. Big as it was, it wouldn’t hold all of her belongings, forcing her to leave some stuff behind in a warehouse. A quick glance in the rearview mirror at her appearance, and grimaced. Her long chestnut brown hair hung in shaggy strands past her shoulders. Her blue eyes were swollen from crying, and her cheeks were blotchy. Decent character description, but looking in a mirror? Cliche. She sighed as she leaned back against the seat.
I can’t hold this out any longer. She thought, as she opened the door and slipped out. She watched her feet carry her forward up the rugged driveway, in deadly need of repair. How? Describe! She kept her eyes on her feet as she walked up the three steps that carried her to the door. Taking another shaky breath, she knocked on the door three times, barely tapping. What am I doing? Maybe I should just leave…she won’t even know I was here. Italics are your friend for thoughts. She started to turn, but the opening of the door stopped her. She looked up as the doorway was filled by that same man who had been so rude. Her eyes narrowed to slits. He was very tall, so she had to raise her chin a little, making him appear even taller. His own face was void of expression, except for the scowl that started to appear on his sculpted lips. Her eyes went from his mouth, up his straight nose to his eyes and stopped. Green. Like Bens’. Little spark of interest. LITTLE. She felt another tear run down her cheek as she lowered her head. His scowl softened.
“Can I help you?” His voice was deep, and strong. She took a deep breath and looked up again.
“Is Lola here?” She whispered. Her eyes skittered away from his stare.
“I’m sorry?” he asked, looking at her. He cleared his throat and looked away, unnerved by her tears.
“I’m looking for Lola.” She repeated, her voice stronger. He frowned and turned his head. She toke a few steps back, unaware of how close she was to the edge of the porch.
“LULU!” he bellowed. Wait, is he calling Lola or Lulu? Christie inhaled a sharp breath and took another step back, and tripped over the top step. And why does she step back? She let out a yelp as she realized she was going to fall. She closed her eyes, ready for the impact. A spilt second before she hit the ground strong arms closed around her, saving her from the embarrassment. She glanced up at the sound of someone at the doorway.
“Ja…CHRISTIE!” Lola Fermores nearly screamed. An old woman can scream? Realism. Christie glanced up a sad smile on her thin lips. Welcome home Christine.


DESCRIPTION
Okay, so you do description...in all the wrong places. You devote no time to the setting, and that's a major flaw. You do devote some time to character appearance, but if the setting is undescribed and it's an alien land, description is the reader's friend.

REALISM
You say an old woman can scream, eyes can be swollen shut by fitful crying and the mysterious man moves with inhuman speed. Forgive me, but that's not very realistic. You need to stick to what you've heard and know of life and incorporate it in fiction.

All in all, it needs work. And unless you do serious repairs, I may not read the next chapter.

GRADE: D-
And we'll be a dream...

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Hi Singer!

Well, I agree with what DeafWriter has written. Here's just a bit more I'd like to add:
She toke a few steps back, unaware of how close she was to the edge of the porch.

I think the second half of the sentence makes it awkward.

Also; summaries are fine, but I don't really like character intros in a story. If it were a script,then; fine. It would be a lot more interesting and descriptive if you could unravel the people's characters along the story. Try to introduce people in the story not separately.

You could always ask for help around here. :)
Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Yeah Sorry bout that guys:( I meant to put the summary in italics but kind of forgot...so yeah...sorry. I'm actually currently working on this particular chapter, because I know how important beginnings are. I'll pm you when its finished.

Thanks,
Jen
"Hello, is this thing on?"



Look, a good poem is a poem that exists. Any poem you write is better than the poem you don't.
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