A Woman in the Sun

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By the cliff stood a tree facing a long blanket of cloud that gathered by the tip. They covered the whole landscape into a misty blue aura so that only the top of the hills can be seen. Underneath the blue blanket came the distorted figures of trees and shrubs. They morphed with the blanket of cloud leaving the tree by the cliff alone with the molded bushes.
“What a pretty picture,” Janilima murmured to the picture behind her as she covered her mouth from a yawn. She let the blanket fall from her naked flesh as she walked over to the closet where her clothes were rummaged underneath. With her clothes were a large brown jean, a blue suit, and a large yellow boxer that were mixed with her clothes. She took a moment separating them as she heard a large snore by her back. She looked back to gazed at the half naked man whom she had slept last night. He was chuckling silently to himself as he rolled to and fro to his sides.
“Jerk,” Janilima whispered as she began to put her clothes on. She had promised herself that her clothes should not resemble anything like her colleagues with their thick jackets, their short jeans and their high heeled shoes that they used to tap on the cemented streets to get attention. Yet as she gazed by a mirror across the bed, she lowered her head down. She slump her shoulders so that her arms will fall freely from her side.
I’m no different, she thought. She looked on her long loose white blouse that reached up to her hips. Her pale grey skirt was barely touching her knees.
No wonder why I got some attention last night, she thought as she banged the back of her head against the wall, I look like a freaking schoolgirl. Geez, what perverts.
She narrowed her eyes pursing her lips while she breathes slowly through her nose. Her gazed were transfixed slowly on the painting of the tree by the Cliffside.
‘What a pretty picture,” she repeated with a smile.

“So how was school last night, Jenny?” Abigail greeted her as she sat by one of the benches of the public parks. She wore a large black jacket that barely touched her waist. The three top buttons were undone revealing her the top part of her cleavage. Her torn off jeans exposed parts of her legs.
“Same…same…” she murmured with one hand by her hip. Her other hand rummaged her blue shoulder bag before taking out a small pack of cigarettes.
“Oh, really…” she grinned as she leaned back. “With that gang crowding you last night, I don’t think it’s normal, Jenny. A number of us were even shock by the number of money they offered you. Two thousand dollars, four thousand dollars even six thousands dollars, what a load!”
“I told you, it’s same as always…I get money, follow him to his home, have some fun and get cash.” Jenny replied as she lit up a piece of cigarette by her lips. She blew a puff of smoke from her mouth while looking over a bunch of young boys plying cricket at the far end of the field.
“So how much money did you get, Jenny?” Abigail grinned.
“Twelve thousand…”
“Twelve thousand, that’s a lot of money!” Abigail wailed with widened eyes as she looked at Jenny. “You cannot only two pairs of diamond rings with that but four or even ten. I never realized that the school girl get-up would earn you a lot. I wonder if innocent looking is the new trend in the market.”
Janilima had not replied but bit her cherry-colored lips. She wrapped one arm around her waist. Her nailed slowly scratching the surface of her skin. Her right foot taps endlessly against the grass as she breathed out the smoke from her mouth.
“I’m going back to school.” She said hoarsely.
“What?” Abigail tilted her head after checking her blue manicured nails.
“I’m going back to school. I’m going to try getting a degree.” She repeated with her eyes still fixed on the boys on the other side of the field.
“You’re joking, right? I can tell that you’re joking.” Abigail forced herself a chuckle straightening her back to look at her. Her straight auburn hair began to fall in front in her face as a breeze blew against their backs. “I bet that guy treated you like some bloody school girl last night that you wanted to do the real thing.”
“It’s…” Janilima inhaled deeply. “It’s just that…”
“You still don’t think you fit, right? I bet that’s the problem, Jenny. You’re still not into this, aren’t you?”
“I do fit with them. I’m now used to the routine. I can now sway a man’s lust just by my appearance.” Janilima blew out another puff of smoke. She tilted her head towards Abigail who was already standing before the bench. Her arms were locked around her waist while gazing at the bench with narrowed eyes.
“It’s just the same, you know.” Janilima added. “Every night we do the same old routine: find a guy, get laid and get paid. It’s the same every night. I just want something different with my life.”
Abigail sighed. She brought her hands to her hips while she looked intently at her. Abigail bit her lower lip as she straightened her back.
“You know this won’t work, Jenny.” Abigail finally mentioned. “You may act as an ordinary school girl but sooner or later, they’ll find out about your profession. They always do.”
“I know.” Janilima replied as she blew out another puff. She tilted her head upwards gazing at the cloud covered sky. She traced her gaze to a group of birds soaring above her. “I had thought of that for quite some time already. I know I wouldn’t quit the job yet but for now I want something different from my life. I hoped you –”
“You’re just like the rest of them!” Abigail snarled. Janilima gazed down towards Abigail. She had her hands tightly wrapped against her chest. Her eyes directly aimed at her.
‘You think I understand, Jenny! Understand this!” She exclaimed loudly as she gave me the finger. “You are one of the prides of our business! Don’t waste it all for your own selfish desires, Jenny!”
With that, Abigail stormed off behind her. Janilima heard her yell out curses before the roaring winds blurred the sounds away. She sighed slowly to herself as she flicked the cigarette to a nearby bin.
“I hope you can understand…” she murmured to herself as she once again gazed at the group of boys playing by the other side of the field. Her eyes suddenly gazed ahead of them at a single mahogany tree. Its leaves was being rustled by the coming bellow of wind.
John McClane: Drop it. It's the police.
Tony: You won't hurt me.
John McClane: Oh, yeah? Why not?
Tony: Because you're a policeman. There are rules for policemen.
John McClane: Yeah. That's what my captain keeps telling me




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Hmmm, I really like this. It gives an image of what you're talking about, but it's also intense. Awesome!
"There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it."




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Hi there, foxfire. I'm Conrad, and I will be your reviewer for today.

So, my first advice to you would be to ax that first paragraph with that long description of the scenery. Say something about the surroundings when the main character says, "What a pretty picture." But don't immediately throw a huge description of the setting at us. Reveal it to us slowly, not in one huge dollop.

Other than that though, I think you have something good here. Your characters are true to life, and your narrative is good. The only thing I would consider is tightening up your sentence structure a little.

But, other than that, this is good. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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This is very well written, so you don't have too many errors or mistakes.

She looked on her long, loose white blouse that reached up to her hips.


…even six thousands dollars? What a load.


…looking over a bunch of young boys playing cricket at the far end of the field.


“Twelve thousand? That’s a lot of money!”


Overall:
This piece was written very well, though there could be improvements with the tone and feeling behind the story.
House: People interest me. Conversations don't.
Foreman: Maybe because conversations go both ways.
House & Foreman: Like Thirteen.




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I'm having mixed feelings on this one. I like how Janilima is attracted to the beauty of nature, but I can't get into your sentence structure. Use more of a variety of complex, simple, and compound-complex sentences. Also, I'm assuming that there's more to this piece than what you have written, because the story definitely should not end there. Great job on getting readers to sympathize with Janilima, though. I think I understand her pretty well. A lot of writers have trouble getting readers to understand their characters, but you seemed to have no problem with that. I have an idea for this story, but if you don't like it, feel free to disregard it. :smt001
Here it is: Janilima begins to regret ever becoming a prostitute after falling in love- truly falling in love- with a man who despises her profession. Often when she sees the trees blowing to the melody of the wind or the spring flowers blooming, it reminds her of innocence and all that she is has lost. However, the man she love helps her to realize that there's always some innocence left and although she is not new and green like nature, she still has beauty. He encourages her to stop selling herself....
Whaddya think? Hope I was helpful!!! :mrgreen:

KEEP THE MUSE ALIVE AND WRITE ON! :elephant: :elephant: :elephant:



If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
— Woodrow Wilson