My Inspiration

I wrote this poem with a lot of feeling, and hopefully it shows !

Is this pain my hell?
Or the beauty of my
Inspiration?
Does it free me?
Or condemn me
closer to you?
YOU? The cause
Of my destruction?
My prince?
My everything!
Its okay...
don’t love me;
it doesn't matter.
I’m strong now!
I SEE you for
who you are; but
this pain?
Is it my fiend?
Is it my friend?
Yes…
It’s the coldness
that echoes in each
tear, the insomnia
that replays
memories in
my mind; and yet…
it is the hope,
the hope that
makes me look
into your eyes
each day, waiting
for that one
moment, when
by an instance,
you wont have this
power over me;
when I can finally
walk by your side
and not feel my
who world fall
apart!

Hey there. The first thing I'd like to say is that if you're emotionally attached to a poem, it's best not to post it for public review right away. Instead, waiting a little while so you aren't as emotionally attached is a good idea.

That said, your punctuation was grammatically incorrect, and I could see no reason in-poem about why it should not be grammatically correct. The first line of the poem is a particularly egregious example of misused punctuation. Another thing you need to watch is your spelling; I caught several mistakes, one of them being "who" instead of "whole". The line breaks also struck me as haphazardly and ill-placed; line breaks should be carefully used to emphasize particular words, phrases, or patterns and naturally signal a slight pause as the reader reaches the end of the line and must jump to the beginning of the next.

As far as your subject matter, it's fairly standard teenage angst fare. There's nothing here -- no unique imagery, no new way of looking at the matter -- to give this poem some much-needed originality. Poetry is a way for the poet to reveal their individual and unique perspective on whatever they are writing about; without this uniqueness, poetry falls flat. I suggest that you read up on other poets' works to see how they conveyed emotions and ideas then try to emulate it; this is the best way to learn poetry. Robert Frost and Emily Dickinson are two of my personal favorites; both have exceptional imagery and a unique way of looking at things.

Hello! This poem has an unusual problem - lots of times, poems don't have much punctuation in them, but in this instance, I think you have too much. For example: "Is this pain my hell? / Or the beauty of my / Inspiration?" The second sentence is a fragment, and while I get annoyed when grammar check tells me I have written a fragment, in this case I think it would sound better if you made it all one sentence, replacing the first question mark with a comma. Same again with he next three lines. You also use elipses which I don't think are neccessary, and the capitalization of certain words ("you" and "see") is quite off-putting. You shouldn't need to resort to capitals to get your point across, and the same with exclamation marks, which you also have a lot of. Exclamation marks can sometime make things sound a little trivial, but not only that, your words should speak for themselves without having to rely on punctuation to get feeling across.

Apart from that, I like your poem - the short lines make it easy to read and it sounds pleasing. I think you mean "whole", not "who" towards the end, so make sure you check it through before you post - it shows you care about your work, that it's your baby. ^_^ I like how you talk about coldness and insomnia so yes, overall, your content is good. You just need to take a look at your punctuation, really. Nice work.

Hey there, Angel!


I agree with Matt; there's a little bit too much punctuation going on here, and it makes this not only difficult to follow, but difficult to appreciate, because you're placing us at awkward stops and pauses, and it's like, I can't catch it effectively.

It comes off as a bit ranty. By no means do you have to be precise in poetry, but the ranting tone of this doesn't do much for me, because it's outwardly blaming the otherside of the picture that we can't see, so it's like viewing one side of an argument. I guess it could be beneficial in some cases, but here, I think you're overdoing it. I think you need to cut back on a lot of the extra words as such and work on incorporating more story into your piece.



June

Hi thanks so much for the critiques, they have been really helpful! I'll try to get as much out of them as I can!