Beast is Dead: Prolouge and Chapter 1

A/N: It's a little slow at first but the juicy parts are coming soon. MAJOR foreshadowing in the Prolouge. Like really MAJOR!!


Prolouge

She was never smarter. I could reassure myself that as amazing as she seemed to be she was never smarter. Even though we were identical twins, Selene still managed to end up prettier. She ended up with more friends, more status, more everything until I was stuck living in her shadow. While she claimed Homecoming Queen three years in a row, Head Cheerleader, Best Smile, Best Hair, Best Personality and Best Eyes and was awarded the prestigious title of Special Events Coordinator; I got President of Biology Club and chief editor for the school literary magazine ( the stoners used it as joint paper).

Beauty and the Beast, we were called. Who do you think was the Beast?

But I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being out shined, tired of being referred to as Selene's-loser-twin-poor-Selene. I'm sick of it ...but soon the Beast would be dead....the Beast would be dead and a new better Selene would rise from the ashes...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~Chapter One~

The loud beep from the car woke me up, even though I knew it wasn't for me.

"Selene! Get your ass out here!" a laughing teenage voice yelled from outside the 2.3 million dollar mansion.

"I'm coming, hoe!!" yelled an equally happy voice back, breaking the silence of the early morning.

I shoved the pillow over my head, trying to get back to my pleasant dream, the one where Selene didn't exist. After a minute or two, my mass of long golden ringlets popped out from the pillow and sighing I untangled myself from the covers and got out of bed.

The door slammed shut and a car door opened then shut, before the engine ran and Britney Spears began to play as the car drove on. I went to the window and just breathed for a moment, cherishing the red-orange falling leaves and the crisp cool air before the car exhaust fumes ruined the moment.

I walked into my bathroom and started my morning routine, consisting of brushing my teeth then washing my face whereas Selene's routine took several hours and some weird sort of Peruvian cream.

I dried my hands and went back to my bedroom, still in pajamas. The blue/purple color I had begged my dad to paint four years earlier now just seemed very 8th grade. Ha, the entire room seemed very 8th grade, very innocent and naive. In 8th grade we were all innocent and naive though...never had to worry about anything but when the next Degrassi season was coming out...well those days are long gone.

I stripped off the PJ's and put on baggy cargo pants and a loose t-shirt with the words, Live Love Believe, inscribed on it in tight cursive letters. I grabbed my bag filled with neatly pressed homework and my green poetry notebook before walking down the spiral stairs to leave for school, hoping to make it before-

"Honey, did you have any breakfast?" my mother's sweet voice rang through the lonely house. I turned and looked towards her. She was in her black robe, eyes still baggy from sleep, her mouth puckered in a small smile. She was once beautiful, many years before, but when she was dealing with all the shit fate gave her, her beauty slowly but surely began to decline. I missed 3rd grade, when mom was pretty, Selene would actually talk to me (shocker, I know), dad would actually be home and we'd have dinner like the all-American families you see on the cover of House Keeping .

"Yeah mom. Of course" I said. Lying was easy now, just as the hunger pangs didn't bother me as much anymore. Nothing really bothered me anymore, other than the squeals of joy coming from my sister every morning when her stupid friends came to pick her up...

"Okay, have a good lunch, sweetie and don't forget your pills." my mom said before turning and walking back into the bedroom. What BS. My mother never gave a crap about me until the stupid physiatrist diagnosed me with anorexia. I was put on meds for a while but I stopped taking them when I realized all they did was make me a passive zombie. Of course mother dearest didn't know that and I don't plan on her finding out anytime soon. It would just worry her and my "best friend" (in her eyes anyway) Selene.

I grabbed the small Rite Aid prescription bottle of Dexedrine and pulled out two tiny orange tablets. I shoved them in my pocket and closed and set the bottle on the table. I slung my no-name bag over my shoulder and walked outside as ready as I would ever be to face what I like to call hell on earth AKA senior year.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So whatcha think?!

I liked the idea of bickering twins! But I might be over reading it. After reading it, the prologue seems kind of dark. Which I'm thinking it was supposed to be? Basically your story seems pretty dark, at least to me, which I love! I'm just hoping it stays that way.

Meaning, I'm hoping that I'm not expecting some Psycho evil twin sister story, and end up reading a novel about how she goes on and wins the Miss Sexy award or something. But let's say your story is about how she bests her Twin sister. Is that bad? No. All I'm saying is it seems to dark to turn into the ladder.

I hope that all that made sense. Anyways, I do like it and I'll read more if you post more!

Why is the first paragraph italicized, but not the rest?

I could reassure myself that, as amazing as she seemed to be, she was never smarter.

She ended up with more friends, more status, more everything, until I was stuck living in her shadows.

Selene has multiple shadows?

While she claimed Homecoming Queen three years in a row, was named Head Cheerleader, Best Smile, Best Hair, Best Personality, Best Eyes, and gained the prestigious title of Special Events Coordinator, I got President of Biology Club and chief editor for the school literary magazine that the stoners used as joint paper.

Beauty and the Beast, we were called.

If they are identical twins, it makes no sense for one to be called a beast, unless it is in reference to personality. If it's because of differences in personality, this needs to be mentioned.

But I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being out-shone, tired of being referred to as Selene's-loser-twin-what-a-shame. I'm sick of it...

The last sentence is redundant.

Soon Beast will be dead... Beast will be dead and a new, better Selene will rise from the ashes...

I thought Selene was the twin not narrating this?

Watch your tenses. You switch from present (I am) to future perfect (I will be). Also, I think "will die" is much stronger than "will be dead"; it's much more concise.

Overall, you really need to work on your punctuation, especially regarding commas and ellipses. You also need to watch your tenses to make sure that you don't suddenly change them mid-sentence or paragraph.

Also, just because this is a prologue does not mean it has to be confusing. The purpose of a prologue is to pull the reader in and give some background on the events in the story; if you make your prologue too difficult to understand, you will lose readers. I didn't find this prologue confusing, and it did capture my attention, but just keep in mind that prologues do not automatically equal confusing.

I could reassure myself that, as amazing as she seemed to be, she was never smarter.

i just inserted the commas where they should be.

Even though we were identical twins, Selene still managed to end up prettier.

the wording's a little off in my opinion.. i'd make it "Selene still managed to always look prettier than me." or "managed to make herself look prettier than me", and so on and so forth.

She ended up with more friends, more status, more everything until I was stuck living in her shadows.

i know you're trying to establish repetition, but i'd rephrase the sentence. it rewords your entire sentence but i'd make it something like - "She had everything - friends, status, (etc.) - while I was stuck living in her shadow."
also, shadow should be singular unless she has more than one shadow or you're implying that she has a multiple personality? that's the only thing i got out of that haha

While she claimed Homecoming Queen three years in a row, Head Cheerleader, Best Smile, Best Hair, Best Personality and Best Eyes and the prestigious title of Special Events Coordinator; I got President of Biology Club and chief editor for the school literary magazine that the stoners used as joint paper.

"While she claimed Homecoming Queen three years in a row, became head cheerleader, won Best Smile, Best Hair, Best Personality, Best Eyes, and was awarded the prestigious title of Special Events Coordinator, I got President of Biology Club and chief editor for the school literary magazine (which the stoners used as joint paper)."
another sort of revamp of an entire section from your post sorry. of course, i'm not saying i'm 100% correct, but this is just what i'd do if i were in your position.

Beauty and the Beast, we were called. Who do you think was Beast?

i'd put 'the' before Beast in the question sentence unless you edit out the 'the' in the first sentence because it's part of the title/moniker.

But I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being outshone and tired of being referred to as Selene's-loser-twin. Soon, though, Beast will be dead. . . Beast will be dead, and a new, better Selene will rise from the ashes. . .

"-what-a-shame" - i edited out that part because it's more of a comment toward the compounded nickname, not part of the nickname itself. also, i thought "I'm sick of it" was a bit repetitive which is why i edited it out as well.
i also had a real problem with the ellipse that i edited out. an ellipse (in non-dialogue) should be used to draw the attention of the reader - whether it be to emphasize, create suspense, or create a sort of haunting/chilling feel. "I'm sick of it" didn't need to be emphasized with an ellipse (when i had it in the text still). the other two ellipses, i felt, met the 'ellipse criteria'.

- - -

well there's not much here to comment on lol i just think you should watch your punctuation like where you place your commas and ellipses and periods. also, the last paragraph had a bit of a tense change so just watch out for those too in the future!

happy writing,
xo julia

Writing about twins in this manner can be tricky. Since as you say they are identical, how is one judged as more attractive than the other? Of course since we're talking about a school setting naturally you're talking about a popularity vote with the Homecoming Queen, Best Smile, etc. So forgot what I said. And good luck with your first chapter. I applaud you and everybody else who can write short prologues. My attempt at writing a prologue for my book Dawn of Misery ended up as being a twenty plus page chapter, which was scrapped and scattered throughout the story as small, yet very important vital points.

thanks! I actually know several ehm 'sets' of identical twins, where one is prettier than the other. Subtle differences, straighter teeth, darker lashes, slightly smaller nose can add up to make someone look more attractive.

Works for me.

IHNETS Lol

*Running a hand through hair, wondering what that means*

I have nothing else to say, I found it on facebook but I still don't get the point of it

It's 2:48 for all who did not know that.....or at least it was 2:48 last time I checked...

Guys (and girls), could we keep this topic to just reviews, please? It'd be better if you could continue conversations through PM.

Thanks. =)

This is a pretty good start. I could really see this as a movie script. It does seem like this story could go in many directions so I am excited to see which one you take. Good job and keep it up!

hello, jasmine! i'm here to critique your work...sorry if its a bit harsh

She was never smarter. I could reassure myself that as amazing as she seemed to be she was never smarter. Even though we were identical twins, Selene still managed to end up prettier. She ended up with more friends, more status, more everything until I was stuck living in her shadow. While she claimed Homecoming Queen three years in a row, Head Cheerleader, Best Smile, Best Hair, Best Personality and Best Eyes and was awarded the prestigious title of Special Events Coordinator; I got President of Biology Club and chief editor for the school literary magazine ( the stoners used it as joint paper).

The topic is a bit cliché and the better sister seemed to be a perfect character… try to get rid of some to avoid identifying her as a perfect character.

Beauty and the Beast, we were called. Who do you think was the Beast?

This must be the first sentence rather than the middle sentence.

But I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being out shined, tired of being referred to as Selene's-loser-twin-poor-Selene. I'm sick of it ...but soon the Beast would be dead....the Beast would be dead and a new better Selene would rise from the ashes...

This paragraph is a bit telling what will happen. Try to avoid this and get this out for the effect of this is that it lets the reader to sum up the entire story. The purpose of a prologue is to create a sense of tension and this story does not add tension but reveals what will happen.

The loud beep from the car woke me up, even though I knew it wasn't for me.



"Selene! Get your ass out here!" a laughing teenage voice yelled from outside the 2.3 million dollar mansion.



"I'm coming, hoe!!" yelled an equally happy voice back, breaking the silence of the early morning.

You need to identify the characters already or else the reader will get confuse. Try to work to more details and used imagery to give a clue to the character’s personality already. This imagery must be both vague but specific like a high pitch chuckle. The dialagoe must be different as well. What is different between them must be
different as well.

The door slammed shut and a car door opened then shut, before the engine ran and Britney Spears began to play as the car drove on. I went to the window and just breathed for a moment, cherishing the red-orange falling leaves and the crisp cool air before the car exhaust fumes ruined the moment.

The setting is a bit confusing. The setting of car and window can indicate that the twin is outside but it is not. Try to separate the two settings separately by giving details that differentiate them and what is the purpose of the car. Had the bratty teen left the smart twin? Then show it either by dialogue or something.

I dried my hands and went back to my bedroom, still in pajamas. The blue/purple color I had begged my dad to paint four years earlier now just seemed very 8th grade. Ha, the entire room seemed very 8th grade, very innocent and naive. In 8th grade we were all innocent and naive though...never had to worry about anything but when the next Degrassi season was coming out...well those days are long gone.

Okay, the thought of the 8th grade does not work here. It gives a childish atmosphere. Try to show it by bodily expression like a smile or let the character stand and nod her head in appreciation for the room. Make the “8th grade” as a thought and support it in expression. As well, whata makes it 8th grade. What is wrong with the room?
Show it.

I stripped off the PJ's and put on baggy cargo pants and a loose t-shirt with the words, Live Love Believe, inscribed on it in tight cursive letters. I grabbed my bag filled with neatly pressed homework and my green poetry notebook before walking down the spiral stairs to leave for school, hoping to make it before-

Note: her preparation to school seemed to contradict the mess of the bedroom.

"Honey, did you have any breakfast?" my mother's sweet voice rang through the lonely house. I turned and looked towards her. She was in her black robe, eyes still baggy from sleep, her mouth puckered in a small smile. She was once beautiful, many years before, but when she was dealing with all the shit fate gave her, her beauty slowly but surely began to decline. I missed 3rd grade, when mom was pretty, Selene would actually talk to me (shocker, I know), dad would actually be home and we'd have dinner like the all-American families you see on the cover of House Keeping .

“shocker , I know” seemed is telling. Again used body expressions and try to show it that the beauty decline. What does she look now than before? As for the traditional way, try to reveal it hrough clues such as the table with its four chairs which consist of food not eaten at a same time: the other twin’s leftover is still fresh while dad is getting cold.

Final thought:
The story is a bit cliché but this introductory can tell more or less. To be honest, this introduction is a give away to what happens. Firstly because of the telling and the narrative such as the prescription pills. Do not give great details or reveal them at the short term. Let the reader adapt to the atmosphere and the story before you can deploy the weapons. Give instead clues