The Prince and the Lost Sword

Hi! This is an edited version and i added a couple of stuff, so there, apprecite it if you would sneak a peak
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He took off his eyeglasses and placed them on top of his study table as he heaved a sigh and closed his mathematics notebook. While checking the time on his alarm clock which read a quarter past midnight, he can’t help yawning. ‘Perhaps,’ he thought, ‘I will give it another try tomorrow.’
Lyndon Benitez went off to bed without finishing his homework, which was highly unlikely of him. On his fifth grade, he constantly tops the class, is a teacher’s favorite, submits his project on time and, of course does his homework conscientiously. That was the first time he let off an assignment without finishing it.
While lying on the bed with his eyes fixed on the ceiling, Lyndon thought of what had happened over dinner earlier with his father.
They were seated at the either end of the table facing each other, which apart from them, is empty.
“Dad, uhm, can I ask you something?” he said with his voice barely more than a whisper while doing his stew.
Mr. Benitez, who approaches late thirties, tall and handsome but always wears the formidable look paused with his utensils and spared him a mere half glance then continued eating.
Lyndon, far use to this cold treatment took it as an assent for him to spill the beans. He put down his fork and knife, took something out from his breast pocket, stood up and went to his father’s side.
“Parents’ Day next week at school,” he said meekly, handing out the invitation to his father, his eyes on the floor. “I just thought you might want to come—“
A banging fist on the table greeted his words. The whole house which is considerably big and quiet went quieter still.
Mr. Benitez stood up and went away without a word. Lyndon, still clutching the invitation in his held-out hands, was left alone.
As far as he can remember, his father had been same to him ever since—cold, distant, unapproachable. It was because his mom, apparently after giving birth to him, died and his father blamed him for that. . .
He has no recollection whatsoever of how his mother looked like. There had been no picture of any sort left in their house, even the wedding picture of his parents was nowhere to be found. Sometimes, when he misses his mom, he would just make up a face on his mind of a sweet and gentle looking lady with a warm smile to spare for him and he feels immediately well.
He stood up from bed and went beside the window. He is tired, yet he couldn’t sleep. He’s in no mood to continue working on his homework either. Somehow, though he had been used to it, his father’s indifference seems to dampen his spirit and causes him to be restless.
He opened the window and let the rush of cool night air pressed on his face and took a deep breath.
A panoramic view of the city beyond filled his eyes which is enough to hold someone in awe but not him . . .
For him, the distant city was like his father—splendid but unreachable from where he was…
“Don’t pull me, you idiot—“
“Who’s pulling you? I don’t, must have been Thesius. Hey, Thesius wasn’t it you? Thesius, hey Thesius, wake up coy!”
There was something moving behind the bushes. He heard the murmurs of conversation and squinted at the dark . . . he thought it might be robbers. He pulled his head down enough for him to squint some more. He didn’t bother to get his eyeglasses and was more concerned of seeing the intruders and not be seen by them. How could they possibly get pass the subdivision’s security? And how about their gates? It was charged with high-voltage electricity that nobody could get pass it without having their butts burned. He was anxious to see the face of the culprits, yes, culprits for he was so sure that there were at least three of them from what he have overheard a while ago. and at the same time afraid for what could an eleven year old do against three full-grown men?
“The moment I’m done with the kid, I’m gonna foo your asses idiots,”.
“You mean we will actually get to see the kid boss?”
“No. We’re here for an excursion, fool. Of course we’ll get to see him. Now what I want you to do is to ensure that the coast is clear and nobody would get into my way, understood? Get Thesius so we can proceed.”
“Aye!”
Lyndon’s heart was now thumping fast. Could it possibly him they refer to as “the kid?” Well, there was nobody else they could call “kid” in the house except him. They must be really kidnappers. His dad is rich and perhaps they would ask Mr. Benitez for a ransom once they have him kidnapped.
He ducked and slowly crawled so that the kidnappers would not see him by the window. He didn’t know where he was supposed to go but he knew he must get away from there fast or else . . .
The maids were out, so he shoved the idea of getting help from them. Apart from him and his dad, there were no other people inside the house.
‘Dad.’
How could he possibly forget to warn him? Yes, the right thing to do is go straight to Mr. Benitez’ room and tell him about the kidnappers.
He was about to turn the knob when it was suddenly swung opened by no other than Mr. Benitez himself. And before he could say anything, he was seized on the arm by his dad and they were running, where to, he didn’t have a clue.
“How did they know?” Mr. Benitez murmured, which nonetheless heard by Lyndon.
“Uhm, Dad, uh, what’s going on? I mean, there were people at the bushes and I’ve heard them talking about a boy. I was about to tell you—“
“Shut up Lyndon! There’s no time”
For a while, they kept on walk-running—walking so that the intruders would not hear from outside that they knew of their presence but with the speed and swift of running to get away from the house. They were on the backdoor when Mr. Benitez suddenly spoke.
“You must go from here. I’ll keep the gryndgers at bay while you are escaping. Head north to your Aunt Felyna, she’ll know what to do. And no more questions (he was about to open his lips then), just do as I say.”
He stood silent for a minute.
“What are you waiting? Move!” his father snapped.
“How about you?” he was looking at him and saw tension and was it fear? He never knew there were things that his dad would be afraid of. For him, he is a fortress that is so dependable and unbreakable. But by that time, he saw another man.
“I can fend off for myself. Now go or it would be lot harder for me with you hanging around. Just go,”
With one last look at Mr. Benitez, he turned his back and started running. He didn’t see his Dad looking at him and whispering his name ‘Lyndon, take care son.”
He trotted from the backdoor to the side gate they had at the left of the veranda. The intruders must be at their porch. He must be very cautious… he must follow his dad’s orders. He must head to his Aunt Felyna’s and she knows what to do next. At the back of his mind there were a lot of questions. He felt like heading back inside their house and helping his Dad but he believed Mr. Benitez knew better. Just like the experiments he did at school, answers to questions would reveal themselves at the right time. He can wait. For now, his safety would be his first concern. He must reach his Aunt Felyna’s place. At the gate, he made one last look at the house and sped away.
Not long after, he heard ruckus inside their house and somebody screaming. He didn’t dare look back for he knew once he did, he could never help but go back. He kept on running and running until suddenly, goose bumps were starting to spread all over his body. He stopped and with agonizing fear and terror, he looked back. What he saw nearly made him faint.
It was their house on fire.
“Dad!”
He was about to return when a sturdy hand grabbed him in the middle. “Get off me, get off—“
“Lyndon!”
He stropped wriggling upon hearing his name. He felt the grip loosen up, and he wheeled around to see who was the one impeding him to go back.
“Scott?”
“Lyndon, yeah…. It’s me. Mom sends me to go fetch you. Uncle Edward sent a word to her that you must get into ours before the dawn.”
With the mere mention of his dad, he remembered their blazing house and set to go back, “Dad, yeah. Scott, you must help me, our house is on fire and Dad’s still there, we must hurry!” he turned his back and set to return but once again his older cousin, a well-built lacrosse player, make a grab of him.
“No Lyndon, we must get into our house where you will be safest. Uncle Edward made it clear. We should not go back,”
“But you don’t understand, Dad’s still—“
“We must follow his orders, he doesn’t want you to come back.”
He stood there half hearing what Scott has said and daring to believe the half he has heard.
“Scott, you don’t understand, please… Dad’s still in the house we must save him…”
Scott loosened his grip on him once more but nevertheless Lyndon still cannot run away. He patted his shoulder and kneeled so he could look him in the eyes.
“He had saved you. There’s no point going back in there and be caught by the gyndgers and laid waste the sacrifice your dad has made. I know it’s pretty hard to just walk away from here with your house and your dad back up there but there were things you still do not understand and it would be a lot better if you would just follow what has been told of you. Please, I ask of you. It’s your safety we are all concerned of.”
He saw pity in his eyes and he hated it. But he knew what he had said was true. His dad would not want him to come back. Didn’t he make it clear? ‘I can fend off for myself. Now go or it would be lot harder for me with you hanging around. Just go,’
He was crying once again before he knew it. He was staring blankly at his cousin face and for the first time in his life, did not know what to say. At school, he could readily give answers to questions posed to him, he knew how to handle the situations he was in and everybody looked up to him as their leader. His classmates believed and depended on him and his bright ideas. He was the hero back then.
But that night, he lay helpless in his cousin arms, sobbing and submissively carried away, away from the house which held all the memories of his life—bittersweet memories of his childhood… childhood that would be swiftly taken away from him as days would go by.
“I’m so sorry Lyndon,” his cousin murmured as he continued to cry silently on his arms.
Although the night seemed to be cool and peaceful, it posed danger and melancholy. Scott continued walking on athletic pace. They had deserted the main road and chose the one that led to the forest.
“I know they are still looking for you. We must get home safe and fast,” Scott was looking down on him, “Lyndon, you must understand that your safety is our utmost concern for tonight. I know that this whole thing pains you, I could explain to you everything but I do not have that authority. However,” he turned away his face from him and looked up at the starry sky, “Mom would try to give you the gist.” Silently, they moved through the thick foliage.
Lyndon, who was half asleep, felt on his breast pocket the invitation he had held out to his father earlier that evening and cried even more, though this time oblivious with things around him
***
The next morning, Lyndon woke up and found himself comfortably laid in bed in an unfamiliar room, although on his own pajamas still. He glanced around and tried to remember the things that had happened last night. Memories of the intruders, his dad, their house in flames and his cousin coming to rescue rushed up all at once that his head started to ache. He tried to take deep breaths to steady himself. Panic and anxieties would not help him this time. The sanest thing to do is go ask Aunt Felyna everything so that he understood and ask if there was any news about his father.
He got up from bed and fixed himself.
Then there was a knock on the door. He opened it and found the kind smiling face of Aunt Felyna behind it, carrying a tray of food and a pot of coffee.
“May I come in dear?”
He widened the door and smiled a bit. “Auntie”
She went in and put the tray on the bedside table. “You must be hungry by now, dear, I know. But first thing’s first. You have questions I know. And about your Dad, I’m really sorry Lyndon. Edward was wise sending you here. He knows the gryndgers would not be able to penetrate the walls of charms around my house. Now where do you want to start dear?”
Lyndon, who was sitting at the bedside, was just looking at her. “I dunno, really. I have a lot of questions in my mind, everything happened so fast, I don’t even know where to start or where should I start Auntie. I dunno,” the stifling of sob was inevitable. What, with the mention of his dad and their house burning, he cannot help it.
She took his hand and pat it. “I was not used to seeing you like this, dear. You always seemed to have the answers at everything. But of course, with what happened last night, it is understandable. You were kept in the dark for so long. Honestly, I was against it, you not knowing your own history but Edward preferred it that way so he could protect you.” She stood up and took a cup of coffee and gave it to him.
“but nay, the lairs of the enemies are far reaching and sooner or later they would have find you. And they did last night. Your dad had thwarted them once more, though.”
He took a sip of the coffee and watched as Aunt Felyna draw the curtains and let the rays of sunlight pricked through the room. “You are the crowned prince of Eola, Lyndon. Your mother who was the daughter of the current king married your father, who is a human which was against the laws of Eola. You see, humans are forbidden in our kingdom.” She sat down next to him. “They used to have good relationship with Eolans until the time when the pact of Sinistra was broken by humans. The kingdom of man and our kingdom split-up and lived in mutual hatred but also in mutual complacency. Until finally, a prophecy was made. About a son of man who will come to destroy the kingdom of Eola and banish its entire people to nonexistence. When the king learned of the prophecy, he made a law prohibiting any communication of Eolan with men. But Edward and your mother still met each other. She was a freshman in Princeton and he was a sophomore. Your mother was a scholar who studies the race of man and one of the advocates of re-establishing connection with them. My dear, although the King believes that it would be dangerous to continuously engaging communication with humans, there were still a small group of Eolans who believe in the goodness of men. And your Mom was one of them. She was given special permission to go outside the Kingdom and study the culture of your people and that was when he met your dad. They fell in love and they had you."

All righty then. First post, yay!

The story is good and I'd definitely like to read more. My only worry is that the MC seems too wise for a kid his age. Normally he would probably be a bit more panicked and would want to know what the hell is going on. But that's my opininon. The fact that you mention how he knows to wait also works in its own way... I suggest you find a title though

I noticed only a couple of mistakes, so I'll just mention them quick for now:

bookgeek wrote:‘Perhaps,’ he thought, ‘I would give it another try tomorrow.’

I'd changed would for will

bookgeek wrote:He docked and slowly crawled

Did you mean ducked?

bookgeek wrote:I was about to tell it to you—“

I would maybe change that for "I was about to tell you-"

bookgeek wrote:He must head at her Aunt Felyna’s and she knows what to do next.

I'd say "to his Aunt Felyna's"

That's all I have to say, don't mean to sound like a nag. The story is intriguing, though, so you can PM me when you publish the rest!

First sentence: Even though we thing of eyeglasses as a single object, the glass lenses for which they are named are plural, so he should place 'them.'

'His alarm clock which now reads,' avoid using 'now' in past tense, it's too tricky to get right. Here you've completely changed tense for a moment. 'At that time read,' would be easier. You've changed tense a few times through this, so go through and make sure everything is in past, don't worry about overcomplicating it.

'Finishing his homework which was highly unlikely of him,' needs a comma after 'homework,' or it could mean it was unlikely that he got homework.

You seem to be adding in a lot of extra words that don't really need to be there. It drags the whole thing down. 'Neatly done and, of course does' / 'This, rather, is,'

Try not to add in unnessecary commas too. 'Each other, which apart from them, is empty.'

'Lyndon thought,' So long as you don't change person, you don't need to repeat the persons name so much. Using 'he' goes quite unnoticed.

' “Dad, uhm, can I ask,' words like 'uhm' should be avoided. They rarely sound good in literature.

'A banging fist on the table greeted his words.' Love it. The bang came quite suddenly with the subtle build up, I think it echoed in my head a little.

Watch out for commas and extra words that don't need to be there. It seems like you might have tried to make your writing more sophisticated than it is. Whilst I'm reading it, it sounds like I'm listening to two different voices. Try a few different styles of writing to find the one that suits you best.

***

And I forgot, give it a title! Any good work deserves one.

I agree with the other posts. You need to decide which tense you want to use, present or past. You also need to make Lyndon sound more like a kid. He sounds too mature like writingspitfire said. You also might want to change the category. I don't really see any fantasy yet. It seems more like realistic fiction, but then again, you could prove me wrong. Anyways, love the story. Keep on writing.

Hello!

This is a very intriguing story, and you left it off at quite a cliff hanger. I'm anxious to see what happens next. Cliffhangers are a great writing technique and you used it quite well. However, something I'd like to point out to you are your tenses. You switch quite often from past tense to present tense and vice versa, sometimes even in one paragraph. Try to keep a constant tense in your story.

Another thing I also noticed was your use of ellipses. You used them often in places where it was unnecessary and periods or commas would have sufficed.

This is a brief article that you might find helpful.

Keep writing and posting, and feel free to PM me for a review!

Okay, well here I am to review the edited version...

bookgeek wrote:As far as he can remember, his father had been same to him ever since—cold, distant, unapproachable.

I would change can for could. Also, for the second one, I'd formulate that part differently, something like "his father had always been the same to him". You don't need to put ever since, 'cause you already said as far as he could remember, so the rest is unnecessary.

bookgeek wrote:It was because his mom, apparently after giving birth to him, died and his father blamed him for that. . .

I'd add "had" before died

bookgeek wrote:He is tired, yet he couldn’t sleep.

You should change couldn't to can't because of "is tired"

bookgeek wrote:“Who’s pulling you? I don’t, must have been Thesius.

Again, change don't for didn't.

Basically, like the other guys had said, you don't have many mistakes, it's just that you're using the present and the past tense. You need to chose one, or else it isn't make sense. Personally, I find it's much easier for people to write in the past. So maybe try sticking to that one.

Moving on, I like the added version, except that the ending is too abrupt. You might have wanted to make a to-be-continued finishing, but right when you mentioned the prophecy, any reader figures out that it's him. So it's not much of a finishing touch. I suggest you either add some like big twist ending, or just continue with her explanations a bit more before cutting it.

Other than that, I still think it's good chapter, and keep me poster for more!

Hey Geek! Stella here, as requested!

I. NITPICKS

While checking the time on his alarm clock which read a quarter past midnight, he can’t help yawning.

Reword this, it orders the events weirdly.

which was highly unlikely of him.

Unlike him sounds better.

On his fifth grade,

In his...

he constantly tops the class, is a teacher’s favorite, submits his project on time and, of course does his homework conscientiously.

Tense switch here.

which apart from them, is empty.

was empty.

who approaches late thirties, tall and handsome but always wears the formidable look paused with his utensils and spared him a mere half glance then continued eating.

Tense! I'm going to stop pointing these out here, there'll be a note at the bottom.

Lyndon, far use

No far, and used.

his father had been same to him ever since—cold, distant, unapproachable.

Get rid of the ever since, keep the dash.

wake up coy!”

... Coy? Also, should be a comma after up, since boy (as I'm assuming you meant) is technically a name.

It was charged with high-voltage electricity that nobody could get pass it without having their butts burned.

They, them, not it, it.

He was anxious to see the face of the culprits, yes, culprits for

comma after second culprit.

ould it possibly him they refer to as “the kid?”

be him, and referred.

[quote[He was about to turn the knob when it was suddenly swung[/quote]

I'd replace it with "the door", like this, it sounds like the knob swung open.

“Shut up Lyndon! There’s no time”

Full stop.

For a while, they kept on walk-running—walking so that the intruders would not hear from outside that they knew of their presence but with the speed and swift of running to get away from the house.

Rephrase this, cut out about three clauses, it's too messy.

He must head to his Aunt Felyna’s and she knows what to do next.

She would.

make a grab of him.

for him.

Lyndon still cannot run away.

couldn't.

“Mom would try to give you the gist.”

will, I think?

though this time oblivious with things around him

oblivious of, and full stop at the end.

He widened the door and smiled a bit. “Auntie”

Full stop.

But first thing’s first.

No apostrophe.

Alright...

II. TENSE

A lot of your tense trouble can be easily fixed by changing "is" to "was." Remember, was is past and is is present, so it doesn't make any sense to use is in a story that's told in the past tense... So go through with a fine comb- I pointed some out but I missed some too, and make sure your tenses are consistent.

III. WE'RE GOING TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING!

So. Your house has burnt down. Your father's most likely dead. You want to know what's going on.

But naturally, you're the only person in the dark.

Isn't this a bit weird? And, when your cousin knows more than you do, aren't you going to get a little angry? You did well with emotion at the beginning, but as things come out in the open, you sort of forget to let us into his head.

As well as that, look at your explanation at the end. Now. That's really long. How long do you think, realistically, she could talk without being interrupted? And wouldn't he ask other questions first? Like "Is my father alive?" "Who were those people?"

Sometimes just explaining is easy, but it dehumanises everything. And stories are all about the characters! Pretend you're in his shoes, and react naturally, react how you would. Pretend it's your aunt explaining she's part of a different race. What are you going to say to her? Are you going to believe her straight away?

IV. OVERALL

Not bad! Could use a little polishing though.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

As promised, here's a review. :D

Well, Stella Thomas and WritingSpitfire were very thorough in pointing out the technical aspects, so I'll be focusing more on the content and how much I enjoyed the story.

While checking the time on his alarm clock which read a quarter past midnight, he couldn’t help yawning.

I know one of the other reviewers told you to change to "can't", but since you're going with past tense, it no longer applies.

Lyndon Benitez went off to bed without finishing his homework, which was highly unusual for him. On his fifth grade, he constantly tops the class, is a teacher’s favorite, submits his project on time and, of course does his homework conscientiously. That was the first time he let off an assignment without finishing it.

This really doesn't flow well from the previous sentence. It also comes across as a touch infodumpy, and there's the sudden shift into present tense. I suggest keeping it simple rewriting to something like: "Lyndon Benitez went to bed without finishing his homework. Although he was in the fifth grade, this was the first time he had left an assignment unfinished."

While lying on the bed with his eyes fixed on the ceiling, Lyndon thought of what had happened over dinner earlier with his father.

How does this tie into Lyndon's not doing his homework? It would work better if you mentioned that he couldn't concentrate on his homework because of what happened earlier.

They were seated at the either end of the table facing each other, which apart from them, is empty.

This could be more concisely (and clearly) rephrased as "They sat facing each other from opposite ends of the empty table."

“Dad, uhm, can I ask you something?” he said with his voice barely more than a whisper while doing his stew.

"Doing his stew"? How can you do a stew? Also, rather than "he said", "Lyndon said" flows a bit better because you've already used several pronouns; a good rule of thumb for using pronouns is to try and not use more than three at a time. It makes it easier for the reader to keep track of who the pronoun is referring to.

Mr. Benitez, who approaches late thirties, tall and handsome but always wears the formidable look paused with his utensils and spared him a mere half glance then continued eating.

Tense shift. The rest of this story is in past tense, but this entire paragraph is in present, meaning it's happening right now compared to the time in the past when the story is taking place.

Lyndon, far too used to this cold treatment(comma) took it as an assent for him to spill the beans.

"Took it as an assent", though not technically incorrect, just sounds funny. I suggest changing it to "took it as permission".

He put down his fork and knife, took something out from his breast pocket, stood up and went to his father’s side.

Don't use vague words like "something". They are vague, useless, and usually a mark of lazy writing (not that your writing is lazy). Instead, be more specific. Tell us that he's taking a pamphlet or a slip of paper out of his pocket - anything more specific than "something".

The whole house which is considerably big and quiet went quieter still.

Is it necessary to know right at this moment that the house is big? I don't think so.

Mr. Benitez stood up and went away without a word.

"Left" is more concise.

As far as he could remember, his father had been the sameto him ever since—cold, distant, unapproachable. It was because his mom, apparently after giving birth to him, died and his father blamed him for that. . .

How can someone apparently give birth? You either do, or you don't. Also, I suggest rephrasing the sentence to something more like: "It was because his mother died after giving birth to him, and his father blamed Lyndon for it."

He has no recollection whatsoever of how his mother looked like. There had been no picture of any sort left in their house; even the wedding picture of his parents was nowhere to be found. Sometimes, when he misses his mom, he would just make up a face on his mind of a sweet and gentle looking lady with a warm smile to spare for him and he feels immediately well.

There are a lot of tense shifts in this paragraph. Pick one tense, and stick to it. I won't be pointing out tense shifts any longer. Also, in order to feel well, you must first feel sick. "Better" is the better word to use here. Also, how can you miss someone you've never even met? A slightly better phrasing would be "when he misses having a mother".

He stood up from bed and went beside the window.

How did he get from the table to his bed? You should make it clearer that he's finished remembering the earlier event.

Somehow, though he had been used to it, his father’s indifference seems to dampen his spirit and causes him to be restless.

Somehow is an extremely vague word. Get rid of it. The easiest way is to simply state: "Though he was used to it, his father's indifference dampened his spirit and made him restless."

He opened the window and let the rush of cool night air pressed on his face and took a deep breath.

There's a lot going on in this one sentence. I suggest breaking it up into two separate ones.

A panoramic view of the city beyond filled his eyes which is enough to hold someone in awe but not him . . .

The ellipses are unnecessary and come across as a cheap trick to try and increase the drama. I suggest getting rid of them.

I'm not. Must have been Thesius. Hey, Thesius(comma) wasn’t it you? Thesius? Hey(comma) Thesius, wake up coy!”

Coy?

There was something moving behind the bushes. He

Who is "he"?

He didn’t bother to get his eyeglasses and was more concerned with seeing the intruders without being seen by them. How could they possibly get past the subdivision’s security? And how about their gates? It was charged with high-voltage electricity that nobody could get past it without having their butts burned.

Why "butts" of all words? It just strikes me as a very odd word choice.

He was anxious to see the face of the culprits, yes, culprits for. He was so sure that there were at least three of them from the conversation he had just overheard. and At the same time, he was afraid for what could an eleven-year-old do against three full-grown men?[/quote]

“The moment I’m done with the kid, I’m gonna foo your asses idiots."
“You mean we will actually get to see the kid(comma) boss?”

Whenever you refer to someone in dialogue, you separate their name or title by commas. For example: "Mister, would you like to buy some cookies?" and "So, Alice, how are you today?"

And before he could say anything, he was seized on the arm by his dad and they were running, where to, he didn’t have a clue.

Run-on sentence. Be careful with these; you have a lot. A good rule of thumb for sentences is that they have one (at most two) subjects and a verb that tells us what the subject is doing. Any more, and sentences tend to get confusing and are more likely to be run-ons.

For him, he is a fortress that is so dependable and unbreakable.

Who is "he". Too many pronouns makes things confusing, and you need to remind the reader every once in a while which pronoun refers to which person.

I can fend off for myself.

Uncle Edward sent a word to her that you must get into ours before the dawn.

Get into our what?

although on his own pajamas still.

Did you mean that he's wearing his own pajamas?

Lyndon, who was sitting at the bedside, was just looking at her. “I dunno, really. I have a lot of questions in my mind, everything happened so fast, I don’t even know where to start or where should I start Auntie. I dunno,” the stifling of sob was inevitable. What, with the mention of his dad and their house burning, he cannot help it.

The dialogue and actions strike me as too neat, calm, and coherent to be convincing or realistic. I would think Lyndon would be most concerned about his father and not care so much about cleaning himself up, making the bed, or smiling at other people.

Also, the whole home is destroyed and last member of the immediate family being inside at the time is a bit cliche.

“You are the crowned prince of Eola, Lyndon. Your mother who was the daughter of the current king married your father, who is a human which was against the laws of Eola. You see, humans are forbidden in our kingdom.” She sat down next to him. “They used to have good relationship with Eolans until the time when the pact of Sinistra was broken by humans. The kingdom of man and our kingdom split-up and lived in mutual hatred but also in mutual complacency. Until finally, a prophecy was made. About a son of man who will come to destroy the kingdom of Eola and banish its entire people to nonexistence. When the king learned of the prophecy, he made a law prohibiting any communication of Eolan with men. But Edward and your mother still met each other. She was a freshman in Princeton and he was a sophomore. Your mother was a scholar who studies the race of man and one of the advocates of re-establishing connection with them. My dear, although the King believes that it would be dangerous to continuously engaging communication with humans, there were still a small group of Eolans who believe in the goodness of men. And your Mom was one of them. She was given special permission to go outside the Kingdom and study the culture of your people and that was when he met your dad. They fell in love and they had you."

Massive infodump. Not good. Also, it's a bit unrealistic for Lyndon not to interrupt with questions. Is it common knowledge where/what Eola is? If not, it would be realistic for Lyndon to ask "Eola?" or have a disbelieving reaction immediately after his aunt tells him he's the crown prince of a magical country. You can still give us this information through the aunt's dialogue, but you need to ground us in Lyndon's reactions to all this information so that it's not one huge chunk of blah blah blah.

Also, that's the end of the chapter? It's too abrupt. There's no sense of conclusion or a natural pause. The chapter just ends in the middle of a one-sided conversation. I suggest including Lyndon's reaction. He could ask his aunt to leave to give him time to think things over, and her leaving would act as a more natural place to end a scene and chapter.

Overall, your tenses were very inconsistent. You need to be more careful and make sure you aren't jumping around from past, to present, to future. Another thing you need to be more careful with is your punctuation and word choice. There were missing/incorrect/extra words and pieces of punctuation all throughout. I haven't pointed most of them out because, if I had, I would be taking even longer to finish this review, and it's already been a long time since you've requested it. One other thing you need to watch out for is your characters' reactions. A lot of them aren't very realistic-seeming. A good way to check is to ask yourself "How would I react in this particular situation?" and "How would some other people I know react in that same situation?" Right now, your characters don't seem like real people because they aren't acting like real people.

I suggest practicing your characterization by writing short stories before you continue writing this novel. Short stories in general are great for practicing, learning, and experimenting with all the different writing techniques you need for writing a novel. Also, because they're shorter, more people here will be willing to read and review them, so you'll get more advice and feedback on your writing in general. There are a number of plot or situation generators that you can use to give yourself an idea for a short story. YWS has one under the Writing Resources tab in addition to a collection of short stories you can look at for even more ideas and possible techniques. :D

I hope that was helpful.

Hi bookgeek,

While I enjoyed some elements of this story, overall I felt that it was let down by serious and persistent grammar problems. Nearly every sentence features an accidental tense change, awkward wording, or something else that drags me back out of the story. Reader immersion - the enjoyment of and focus on a story - is created only by smooth, grammatical writing, and I think that's what you most need to focus on.

I did enjoy the protagonist's relationship with his father. I'm not sure about your decision to have the protagonist be running away the entire time while more dramatic things are happening offscreen. My rule of thumb is to stay close to the drama, that is, the story should be focused on whatever is most dramatic and interesting - but actually, the father's sacrifice is way more interesting than Lyndon walking around.

Also, the final scene is one gigantic infodump. I think the scene would benefit from having that huge wall of information broken up with some character interaction and spiced up with people's opinions. Do you know the phrase, "there are three kinds of truth, your truth, my truth and the actual truth"? The aunt should be telling her truth - the story as it seems to her, even if it's less accurate that way. Does she believe all this stuff she's telling Lyndon? Why? What are her personal opinions of the people involved? What does she think Lyndon should do? All these things should colour her comments - making the information less like a lecture and more like something a person would actually say.

Hope this helps, bookgeek.

Cheers,
Karsten