The Cycle of the Sun

So I'm not exactly a poet, but I decided to have a crack at poetry. This is the end result:

As the sun rises, a new day begins
Our hopes are replenished, and our worries binned
The first light of day, spills upon the land
And with it, it brings us, a guiding hand

The sun travels higher, way up in the sky
Where it watches and keeps us, our chins held high
The day becomes hotter, and our doubts set in
But we must fight it; it’s our only way to win.

It is now the sun descends, throwing shadows over the earth
And we sit around a flame, coals burning in the hearth
Darkness engulfs us, the night is almost complete
Now it’s time for rest, to wait for the cycle to repeat.


~Gen

Hey Gene! SO this is pretty good for not being a poet, but one of the main things I have to say with rhyming poetry is that a lot of the time it sounds forced, and it also limits the number of words you can use. This actually doesn't feel too forced, which is good. But maybe try free form next time okay? It gives you much more freedom to take your piece wherever you want it to go . Keep writing.

Hello,

This is awesome for a first stab at poetry and I think you could make a good poet.
I agree with BondGirl. Your rhymes were good but I felt that they limeted where you could go with it. Also the rhythm of the last line was 1 syllable out. (sorry I'm nitpicking) Read it aloud and you should see this, a little bit of re-wording wiil solve this problem. Over all I thought it was great! A very original subject and I throughly enjoyed it. Well Done!

Keep Writing,
~Lydia

Hi Eve!
I have to start out by agreeing with Hope and Lydia. I think it would be an improvement if you got rid of the rhyming in this poem. If you're attached to it, you'll need to think a lot more carefully about the words you use.
"As the sun rises, a new day begins
Our hopes are replenished, and our worries binned" Binned? *wince* If that sort of wording was the general feel of this poem, it would be fine. Unfortunately, it's very obvious you only picked it because it (barely) rhymed. The easiest and best thing, I think, is to step out of the rhyme scheme.

Your subject isn't bad, but I think you need something more substantial than the movement of the sun to affect their emotions.
"The day becomes hotter, and our doubts set in
But we must fight it; it’s our only way to win." For instance, here. They would have to have very erratic moods in order for the morning sun to make them so hopeful and confidant, and the noonday sun to make them worried. There needs to be something more behind it. The same goes for the entire poem.

As we get towards the end, you abandon your initial focus--their emotions. You merely tell us, matter-of-factly, that it's night and they're going to rest now, which entirely lost my interest, the way you presented it.

Your poem is about, I believe, the passing of a day, and their changing emotions throughout. First of all, I'd love to see a great deal more description here. When you're talking about light, the sun in the sky, the heat of the day, evening, there is so much potential for vivid description, whether you make it eerie, or beautiful, or strange, you have so many options, and I'd hate to see them wasted.
Secondly, as I mentioned before, there has to be something deeper behind their changing emotions. Either that, or they have a very very strong emotional bond with the movement of the sun, and there would be something more behind that, too. However you choose to do it, make sure it's something all your readers can relate to, something most people have experienced, or experienced something similar.
Thirdly, maintain a steady focus on their emotions *and* the description throughout the whole poem; don't forget about the people towards the end.
After all: "But we must fight it; it’s our only way to win" we should want to know if they win, right? =] And what they're winning.

Good luck, and let me know if you ever want me to look at any changes.

-Adna