Essay-Help please!

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I would highly appreciate a grammar review, title, as well as any other comments.
To give you background information, my class is learning about the Watergate Scandal
and I was assigned to write a essay from the question, "Who is more important, the individual or the group?" Thank you very much! :thud:

What is more important, the individual or the group? After reading Born Again by
Charles C. Colson, researching various internet websites, and seeking the opinion of
others, I was able to make my own educated opinion. Due to the significance of being
valued equally, the beneficial balance of having the majority rule, and for the overall well being of everyone, it is my opinion that the group is far more important.

When our founding father’s began to build this country, the main focus was for every
man to have equal rights and to be equally valued. The significance of no one individual
gaining all authority was extremely high. The democracy they founded this country on is
slowly fading away. Our culture is at the beginning stage of individualism; which only
causes greed and selfishness. Every man is to be equal, letting no individual gain
authority over every man.

I believe that when dealing with a considerable amount of power, the majority, or
group, for the purpose of this paper, should rule. Thomas Jefferson said in the
Parliamentary Manual, "The voice of the majority decides. For the lex majoris partis is
the law of all councils, elections, etc., where not otherwise expressly provided.” Majority rule is a decision rule that selects one of two alternatives, based on which has more than half the votes. It is the binary decision rule used most often in influential decision-making bodies, including the legislatures of democratic nations; like America, for now. I believe that the majority should rule to appropriately express what is best for the group.

The needs of many outweigh the needs of few. In today’s culture, it is becoming
accepted to, “Do what you want.” Having this focus of every man for himself can cause
greater materialism and self-interest. In the gospel of John, chapter 11:49-50 states,
“And one of them, Caiaphas, being high priest that year, said to them, ‘You know
nothing at all, nor do you consider that it is expedient for us that one man should die for the people, and not that the whole nation should perish.” Nevertheless, we can begin to think as a whole. If we group together, our culture will begin to change for the bettering of all man’s well being.

In summary, I believe the group is more important. Because, if we operate as a group, everyone can be treated equally, the overall well being of every man could improve, and the majority ruling will continue to balance out what is best for everyone.
"Sometimes it is said that man cannot be trusted with the government of himself. Can he, then, be trusted with the government of others?"

-Thomas Jefferson




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I was able to make my own educated opinion


Okay, this was nice, but take out 'educated'

lex majoris partis

Is this a mispell or latin?

In summary, I believe the group is more important


Cut the 'in summary' part.

Besides this it was all really well done and very proffesional.

PM me if you have any questions!

Ciao,
Kally
Love is beautiful, but what would love be without life?




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Hello! This sounds like a history essay, and I was never the best with those for some reason. (Never made the teacher happy, I guess?) But I do know a thing or two about essays, so I'll see what I can suggest.

And as a quick before-I-read note, that question is very broad and can be taken in many angles. I'm kind of upset with your teacher!

Introduction

That first sentence? You're repeating the question, which means it's boring. Hooks are one of the hardest part of an essay. You have to keep it interesting. The first sentence here is boring, and the reader doesn't see the point in reading any further. Why should they care about reading your paper?

With this kind of question, I would suggest starting with an example. (It doesn't really help that I don't understand the question, does it? Haha!) In what situation would that question come up? Is there any point in one's everyday life that they would ask themselves, "Should I worry about that person or the group as a whole?" Then use that example. The reader can relate to it, they can understand it, and they're more interested in reading the rest of the paper.

At the end of the example (or hook), you want to tie it into your question without jumping topics. How does your example relate to your question? That's the question you're going to answer as you finish your introduction, and somewhere in this part, you'll be making your thesis statement. Make sure the thesis is clear and concise but not a cliche textbook read. It tells the reader the point of this essay, so make it interesting enough that the reader wants to keep reading.

Grammar

1. Founding Fathers is actually capitalized! I guess Americans like to think of them as important people or something. It's like they, I dunno, started this country. Crazies...

2. In plenty of your sentences, your nouns are huge. Not nouns but more subjects, I guess. For example, your sentences here:

The significance of no one individual gaining all authority was extremely high. The democracy they founded this country on is slowly fading away.


Each sentence begins with a really long noun. "The significance of no one individual gaining all authority" and "The democracy they founded this country on". The reader needs, or at least I need to, take a huge breath after that sentence just because it takes forever to get to the verb of that sentence, which is "is" in each sentence here. This occurs throughout your paper, so look out for that. It's okay to have really long paragraphs or lots of sentences as long as it's easy to read and understand. Never worry about length; always worry about clarity.

3. Should Latin words be in italics? I think they are, but don't quote me on that.

4. When it comes to proper grammar (and thus with essay-writing), never start your sentences with "but" or "because" or any such words. It's a basic rule in grammar, and though we like to avoid using it when online or in fiction-writing, it's really not correct. Maybe in the future, they'll not care, but at the present time, they do, lol.

Extra Advice

1. Don't say "in my opinion" or any such transition. It'll be obvious that it's an opinionated essay, especially if you mention both sides of the coin (in this case, individual or group). Whenever you say "in my opinion" or "I believe", you make it sound like the paper's about you. But it's not! You're talking to the reader, and you're trying to win them over to your side of the argument.

2. If it's not common knowledge, put it in the essay. If you're not sure if it's common knowledge, put it in the essay. If it is common knowledge... not really necessary. By this point, I mean this: Read through the essay. There are points in which you assume that the reader knows what you mean, such as:

The democracy they founded this country on is slowly fading away.


Ask yourself, "How?" Prove the reader that you're right with this statement. Do this throughout the paper. Would the reader know what you mean? Is there any potential of the reader arguing back at you, and if so, can you prove yourself right?

3. I keep mentioning the reader, but honestly, I could be very wrong. Before you ever start writing any paper, you have to ask, "Who's my audience?" Who are you talking to? At this point, you're talking to all of YWS, so the chances of someone not knowing what you're talking about is very high. Ask your teacher who your audience is or who you're writing this to. At this point, your instructor is probably your audience, but it never hurts to ask. Know your reader. ;D

Conclusion

Quick note, really. Your conclusion is kind of boring at the moment. Like your introduction, it should be easy to understand and it should tie into your thesis. It should also explain what you talked about in the paper, not just restating your thesis. This is the final moment to convince the reader you're right. How can you prove yourself correct? The last sentence, in my opinion, should be catchy and stuck in the reader's hint, haunting them into believing you're right. Sounds kinda cruel, but it's a good thing! Honestly! ;D

---

My critique seems really long, but that's more because you wanted a grammar critique, and I usually stay away. I apologize. xD However! If you have any questions in improving your paper, please feel free to PM me. I'd love to help you out or make sense of anything I said. I hope you do well with your paper! I think you will though 'cause what you have here is an excellent start to an excellent essay. :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.




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I'm not sure which side I would take. Though I do think you make a great point by saying that an individual in power may abuse his authority to control the majority. The people before em pointed out most of the grammar faults that could be pointed out. So I'll spare you another one of those.

-Wow, i didn't realize essays could be posted on here! I'll need to put one of mine up soon! :P
"Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
-John 11:25-26




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I think there is a homework forum somewehre ^^

forum63.html

It is under lounge (subforum)
"If the king doesn't lead, how can he expect his subordinates to follow?"



Remember when dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth and your mom was your hero? Race issues were about who ran the fastest, war was only a car game. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and good byes only meant tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.
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