12:04 Part one

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4825
Reviews 236
This is all I have of this story right now, and I take some time writing usually, but I plan to have more soon.



Jan. 15, 2010
12:04 PM


I squeezed the hot, thick flesh of Caroline Greene's neck until she stopped struggling and fell out of my grip to the floor. Then I dragged her by her armpits into one of the stalls, picked up my bookbag and left the bathroom.I kept walking until I left Green Valley High behind forever.

Jan. 15, 2010
2:37 PM

In the back seat, Elaina was screaming.
"YOU KIDNAPPED ME YOU POOPHEAD I'M GONNA TELL GRANDMA ON YOU UOU CAN'T TAKE ME AWAY YOU"RE A HORRIBLE SISTER I HATE YOU!"
She was unbuckled, standing up, bent over in the low car. I let her yell. My knuckles were white on the steering wheel.

Jan. 15, 2010
5:29 PM

I stood outside the stall in the huge rest-stop bathroom, listening to Elaina pee and making sure she didn't have any opportunity to run away while my back was turned. I thought about the sound of Caroline's head smacking against the white wall at school, and how some movement had set off the automatic paper towel dispenser nearby.
I spent four of my ten dollars on hamburgers for me and Elaina. Elaina didn't say a word until I yanked her abck to the car, and then she started yelling again.

THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
Sep. 3, 2007
7:53 AM

Grandma pulled out of the parking lot ever-so-slowly, her maroon hearse of a car holding up minivans and school busses galore. I watched her turn out onto Willow Lane and then bent down to Elaina's level. The little girl was weeping silently.
"Lainey," I whispered, and drew her into a hug. She clung to me like dead weight. "I know you're scared," I said. "But it'll be okay. I promise."
"You can't promise that!" Elaina yelled, suddenly not in the throes of silent fear and grief but violent anger. She whacked at my shoulders with limp fists, wet eyes piercing my skin. I knew what she meant. Daddy, the one person who could have said that promise and have it mean something, was gone.
God. I hated seeing her like that. I let her throw her tantrum, let her hit me, let her be stared at by all the little kids who would be her new classmates. The littlest ones were being led inside by their parents. "I'll take you to your classroom, okay?" I offered, and took her by her hand, resigning myself to being late for my own first day of high school, first day of public school. She wiped her eyes on the bottom of my T-shirt, sniffed a bit and followed me into the crush of children funnelling into the great ugly prison of an elementary school. Cinderblock walls, squeaky tile floors, fourescent lighting. After two years of sheltered private school bliss, could Elaina survive the change? After ten years, could ?

Jan. 15, 2010
11:43 PM

I had never driven on a highway at night before.
It was ghostly. Except for the mysterious clunks and bangs of Gram's old maroon hearse (which I had inherited after she moved on to a slightly newer Ford Tempo), the world was silent. The wide, black, empty road slipped away beneath us and the silhouetted trees shifted noiselessly against the grayish-black haze of the sky. Brown snow did not glisten in the meager moonlight.
I tried not to think about some silly freshman pushing thoughtlessly into the bathroom stall at school and discovering Caroline's body slumped on the toilet. I tried not to think about a rush of policemen strutting the hallways, one hand on their gun holsters, or interviewing the students in an empty classroom.
"I bet it was that weird girl," they'd say, pale faced and too shocked to cry at the death in their midst. "Yeah, the one who was always following Caroline around." "What was her name again?" "Sparrow, or something, wasn't it?" "Oh right, Sparrow." "Sparrow."
I kept driving.
11:51
11;59
12:00. January 16th.
Happy birthday to me.
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3981
Reviews 24
Hello Aussie! Right off just let me say "Great job!" I just loved this. :)

There really isn't too much to critique. You have good grammar, your story seems solid. All in all I'm very impressed and intrigued by this piece. But there were a few things I noticed.

In the back seat, Elaina was screaming.
"YOU KIDNAPPED ME YOU POOPHEAD I'M GONNA TELL GRANDMA ON YOU UOU CAN'T TAKE ME AWAY YOU"RE A HORRIBLE SISTER I HATE YOU!"


When I first read this part I thought it needed more punctuation. But, now rereading it, I think it could be okay as is. When little kids get screaming they never really stop to take a breath, which is what this implies. Just change the UOU to YOU and I think it'll be good.

After two years of sheltered private school bliss, could Elaina survive the change? After ten years, could ?


After ten years, could . . . ? I think you forgot the I. ;)

I really, REALLY loved this. Your writing style is just amazing and makes it so easy to relate to the main character. Good job. I look forward to reading more.

-Airbear
"Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds."
-Gordon B. Hinckley




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1454
Reviews 7
Hi. I figured I'd come review this since you reviewed mine. :)

Airbear just hit everything I found to critique in this (except that in the dialogue Elaina screams, you wrote 'you"re' with quotation marks instead of an apostrophe), so all I have to say is that I like this a lot. I'm very interested to learn what happened to make this girl kill a fellow student and then kidnap her sister, and the short entries give it a fast pace that I think fits really well with the subject matter. I also have a soft spot for pieces that don't mention the name of the narrator, so bonus points to you for that.

Definitely looking forward to reading more of this.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8463
Reviews 78
Hi there Careless...or is it Aussie? Anyway, pinkangel is here to review.
I'm not very good with grammar but I'll point out the obvious, and I'll tell you what I honestly thought.

carelessaussie13 wrote:I squeezed the hot, thick flesh of Caroline Greene's neck until she stopped struggling and fell out of my grip to the floor. Then I dragged her by her armpits into one of the stalls, picked up my bookbag and left the bathroom.I kept walking until I left Green Valley High behind forever.

Even though there are very few sentences here, they all basically with 'I'. You might want to change that. Also this part leaves a lot to the imagination, and I'm not sure if you want that.

carelessaussie13 wrote: "YOU KIDNAPPED ME YOU POOPHEAD I'M GONNA TELL GRANDMA ON YOU UOU CAN'T TAKE ME AWAY YOU"RE A HORRIBLE SISTER I HATE YOU!"

The all caps is a bit annoying. Also there is no punctuation except for the end. It might work with no punctuation if you mention that it all sounded like once sentence because she talking so fast or something.

carelessaussie13 wrote:...and how some movement had set off the automatic paper towel dispenser nearby.

Is that really necessary? It seemed completely random to me.

carelessaussie13 wrote:After ten years, could ?

There's something missing there. To have that flash back shoved in there like that seems odd, and out of place. It might make more sense to have it there later, but at the moment it doesn't really work there.

All in all, it was a very interesting piece. A very original idea; I've never seen anything like it, and that is certainly a good thing. It leaves a lot of space for the imagination and doesn't explain much, but I hope you will explain some more later. The girl (Sparrow?) is still a mystery to me. You didn't really convey her emotions about anything. If she's a closed off person, then I think that its fine though.
PM me when you put out more, and I'll be sure to review it. Keep writing!
Want a heavenly review?

GENERATION 30: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 240
Reviews 7
I'm not a good reviewer, but when i reached to the word Poop-head, i laughed my head off :D
The dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did. -- T.E Lawrence



There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you.
— Maya Angelou