Please Darling

Please darling let me cry your tears,
So you don't have to live like this,
You've cried enough today my dear,
You know you have my forgiveness.
-
Please darling let me bleed your blood,
So you don't have to feel the pain,
Over everything we've done together,
And demons we haven't slain.
-
Please darling let me unleash your rage,
On all of those you wish you'd hurt,
Who scarred you in ways you wish they'd never,
The scars hide beneath your shirt.
-
And please darling don't do it,
I beg of you with all my life,
Just please listen to my words,
And please put down that knife.

I don't like the repition of please dear. It doesn't work too well for me. and your rhyme is okay, it didn't feel forced which is good. Something about this though, I don't like...
You don't exactly use imagery and I think you'd benifit greatly from this. And some of the phrasing seems werid like:

Who scarred you in ways you wish they'd never

It's not that werid it's just a bit off. Sort of bothers me, you know?

Other than that I liked this poem.
Good luck, keep writing.

Silented1.

Seems more like a song doesn't it? It just has that feel to it... I give it a gold star, it was pretty deep. I agree that line "Scarred you in ways you wish they'd never" does seem a bit off

Hey Timmy,

Again, my apologies for the weird question in chat, haha. I understand that came off far more random than I intended. Let's take a look at this, shall we?

I like this poem, a lot. That's not too much of a remarkable thing to be pointing out in this review, I know, but it's not most common for me to enjoy a poem that strongly hints at love or a complication of it.

I genuinely like this, though, because you're not placing blame on the opposite figure in the relationship. The voice here is taking claims for it, and sadly, that's not too common to see in poetry amongst young writers-- which means it makes me happy to see it here.

There's very little I didn't like. I don't think the "demons we haven't slain together" works, because it's a cliche, and already you poem is in the range of common topics. Throwing a cliche into it can detract from its value, and I think it may benefit this some if you had used better wording than that there.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed this. Gold star, Timmy, and welcome to YWS! Hope you stick around.

June

Hello Timmy. Welcome to YWS! I hope your stay is pleasant!

So on to the poem. It's as June says: it's refreshing that it's not blaming the other person. Your narrator is standing up and taking the blame himself even though from what I see, it's more the fault of unnamed others. It's a sweet thing to do--to offer to make your loved one better regardless of where the fault lies.

This is very deep. It's a common theme (wanting to end everything) but usually I've seen those sorts of poems very depressing. This one reads lightly even though it's deep, and it doesn't flail around in self pity: both things I like.

I do agree that the "demons" line is a bit cliche.

I can't see anything I'd change that hasn't been pointed out already, so I'll give you a star.

Take care and keep writing!
Vanadis

Hey!

I completely loved this poem and all of it's dramaticness? (pretend that's a word)
The ending really caught me off guard, and I totally loved it.
I'm not really a "rhyme your poem" kind of writer, but here I completely adored it. I felt it fit right in.

All of the commas kind of made me stumble like for example

Please darling let me unleash your rage,
On all of those you wish you'd hurt,
Who scarred you in ways you wish they'd never,
The scars hide beneath your shirt.

I don't feel like you need the comma after hurt, but that is just my personal opinion.

Thanks for sharing. Keep writing!

I liked this. It made me think of a father, trying to protect his daughter from her fate that looms near. I think it shows that sort of love, the love that a father feels for his daughter, definitely not a romantic love, but that's just the way it turned out in my head.
I really enjoyed reading this, and I thought it was really deep and meaningful.

Thanks for posting this, keep writing!

~Mo.