untitled book - prologue

Apep stood against the window of his study in his headquarters in the town hall in Great Yarmouth.
He was going to be a dad. His wife had just told him. It was unbelievable. He couldn’t believe it. The feeling passing through him he had never felt before. It was one of immense happiness. This feeling was better than when he had married his wife or when he had built his only weapon – his Greve.
Apep was the greatest of them all. And his child would be too. He remembered when he was younger with his father. The quest had started then. The quest to seize power over all of the Grevers in the world.
Grevers were special. They were different. They were unique. Beings that had unnatural powers. They each had a Greve – a sort of wooden staff that had intricate carvings on it. Each Grever had his or her own abilities that defined them. Sometimes abilities were passed down. Apep himself had received his power of the invisible sword from his father. He couldn’t have asked for a better inheritance. Hopefully his child would inherit the same power. Then he would be big and strong like his ancestors. He would rule everything and everyone. One day Apep would take over the world. He and his child would take over the world. It was their destiny.

I really think you have a great start here, only a few things to nit-pick about. You tend to use alot of sentence fragments and short sentences, and combining some into longer, more complex sentences would make this flow better.

I3R14N wrote:It was unbelievable. He couldn’t believe it.

You don't have to add the second part, a little repetative.

I3R14N wrote:He and his child would take over the world. It was their destiny.

I liked this part, but again with the repetition in the sentence before.

I liked the description of the Grevers, but was still a little confused. Obviously, they'll be the main race (or only race, depending) but a little more description would be great. Are they human, or some other species? What you have is a great start, so keep on writing! ~snickers

I3R14N wrote:Apep stood against the window of his study in his headquarters in the town hall in Great Yarmouth.
He was going to be a dad. His wife had just told him. It was unbelievable. He couldn’t believe it. The feeling passing through him he had never felt before. It was one of immense happiness. This feeling was better than when he had married his wife or when he had built his only weapon – his Greve.
Apep was the greatest of them all. And his child would be too. He remembered when he was younger with his father. The quest had started then. The quest to seize power over all of the Grevers in the world.
Grevers were special. They were different. They were unique. Beings that had unnatural powers. They each had a Greve – a sort of wooden staff that had intricate carvings on it. Each Grever had his or her own abilities that defined them. Sometimes abilities were passed down. Apep himself had received his power of the invisible sword from his father. He couldn’t have asked for a better inheritance. Hopefully his child would inherit the same power. Then he would be big and strong like his ancestors. He would rule everything and everyone. One day Apep would take over the world. He and his child would take over the world. It was their destiny.

Its an OK open but just an OK one. It gets a little bit stale and descriptive and doesn't quite suck me in the way a prologue ought to. There are however some things you can do structure wise and voice wise that might change that.

Structure wise, you aught to reverse it. I'm assuming that this is the story of the son and not the father that you are about to tell. If that's the case you should save the details about the birth until the end and spend the beginning setting up your world and Apep. Don't start with the character though, start with the world and work your way down to the father and his deeds and then talk about the birth of the son as your lead in to the book.

The other possibility is doing a longer prologue. Your prologue could be told as a mini-chapter from the father's perspective. Perhaps as the son is being born you inter-cut with flashbacks of Apep's past. The great thing about prologues is that they don't need to match the narrative style of the rest of the book. You can write it in first person and write the book in third or vice-versa, there is no wrong way to do it.

Yo, I just made a few twiks to show where I think the rhythm of the style falters. Not how I think it should be written, its up to you to write it, just the types of places where your intervention is needed. Otherwise, I think it's fine for a snappy prologue, I like the short sentences, if they are consistent with him as a character - he would have to be a decisive, no nonsense pulp type of chap.

Apep stood by the window of his study in his headquarters in the town hall in Great Yarmouth.
He was going to be a dad. His wife had just told him. It was unbelievable. He couldn’t believe it. The feeling passing through him he had never felt before. It was one of immense happiness. This feeling was better than when he had married his wife or when he had built his only weapon – his Greve.

Apep was the greatest of them all. And his child would be too. He remembered when he was younger. Constantly by his father's side, soaking up knowledge, skills, experience. The quest had started then. The quest to seize power over all of the Grevers in the world.

Grevers were special. They were different. They were unique. Beings that had unnatural powers. They each had a Greve – a wooden staff with intricate and individual carvings on it. Each Grever had his or her own abilities that defined them.

Sometimes these abilities were acquired. Sometimes they were passed down. Apep himself had received his power of the invisible sword from his father. He couldn’t have asked for a better inheritance. Hopefully his child would inherit the same power. Then he would be big and strong like his ancestors. He would rule everything and everyone. One day Apep would take over the world. He and his child would take over the world. It was their destiny

I like this. It can either be left the way it is-it is perfect for those short flash fiction pieces. It also can be expanded into a goo sized book. You can cover the child throughout his life and how he completes the quest to rule everybody else. A twist might be the child turning against the father and ruling over him as well. Another twist is to make the final chapter similar to the Prologue, when the child is grown, married and expecting a son.