A Love Story

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She was everything.

As I lay tonight, I cannot help but think of her. How her cute little face made the smile that won her my heart since the first time I saw it. Her regal manners, very womanly acts, so soft and gentle that made me drop anything that I am doing and rush to her side and lend a hand in every possible way that I can; her sensibility that challenged me every time we talked of whatever we could’ve talked of… yeah, she was my ideal woman from sole to crown.

She was my everything.

Our Father who are in Heaven, Holy be Your Name, Your Kingdom come, Your Will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

“Robert,” she called me. Her voice was the finest I’ve ever heard, just like Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata—sweet, serene and sincere.

I laid down my pen and gazed at her. Oh, she was a sight to behold, more beautiful than the sunset I’ve been trying to capture in my sketch pad.

Then I smiled. I felt overwhelmed just by looking at her. “Yes?”

“Why was the sunset so sweet when the night,” she moved her eyes from mine to the west sky, “was so bitter?”

The sun was slowly ebbing away while I was watching tears fell from her eyes.

I knew I wasn’t supposed to answer.

It was getting dark but we sat still—she, looking at the horizon, I at her counting the misty pearls falling.

“It is just so unfair,” she sighed dabbing her eyes with her hanky.
I pulled her to me and gave her the usual tight hug and kiss on her hair.

“No it isn’t. When I would rather taste the bitter than to forget what was sweet,” I whispered.

Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread and forgive us our sins…

It was remarkable how she mustered so much dignitythat I knew she wanted to positively wail and yet she didn’t, though she was breathing hard.

“This heart,” I said to her as her eyes began to well-up once more, “is yours.”

She smiled, “until it stops beating?”

“Even after that”

Embracing me, she, I knew, tried to stifle her sobs.

As we forgive those who sinned against us...

Under the starry night, we kissed and by God, that was the sweetest kiss I ever tasted in my whole life. Our first.

And last.

We stood up and hands entwined we walked out of the school.

I hailed a cab and off we rode. I was busy musing myself looking at her beautiful face when she tapped the driver and whispered something. The driver nodded and not long after we took a U-turn.

“Where to?” I asked her, amused. Although I didn’t know what was her ploy, I just rode with her because her spontaneity never fail to amuse me the other countless times.

I was wrong. I shouldn’t have let her.

I toyed with her hands when suddenly I realized that the ca finally came to a stop.
“We’re here.”

I looked outside. “Here?”

She stepped out of the cab instead of answering me. I took out a few bucks from my pocket handed it to the driver and got off as well. As the taxi drove away, I never fail to realize that we were so alone in that place.

“The park? Why?”

Mysteriously, she smiled and headed on. She was picking a red rose on the bushes. In tow, I walked, half-frowning and half-smiling.

Then it all happened all too soon, I was momentarily disoriented.

She was on the ground, on all fours, barely able to breathe.

“What happened?” I ran and took her to my arms

She gasped, looked up on me and in between breaths said, “Nothing. You told me that I can
have your heart even after it stops beating. I will return the favor. You can have mine when yours stop beating.”

I didn’t get what she meant at first, when finally I hit me.

“No! What happened? I must get you to the hospital. I’ll call 911.”

“Listen Robert, you need my heart. And I am very much willing to give it up for you. The blood would not stop flowing now. I am hemophiliac. Doctors cannot help me anymore. But please, for my sake… I want to go to the hospital, to give you my heart, and please after the operation I would like to take yours with me to eternity.”

I was crying in an indescribable way. I was diagnosed with a rheumatic heart that could anytime cause me to snuff it. The doctor said that I need a new heart in order to live a normal life.

That girl, on my arms, loves me so selfishly that she would readily gave up her heart, her life just to see me live. She purposely cut herself to bleed so that I can have her heart.

I carried her to the hospital. She was starting to pass out but I was always whispering to her “hold on baby, we’re almost there.”

At the hospital, there was a mad rush to us. She was brought to the E.R. and I didn’t know what happened until one of the nurses took my arm and led me to the operating room.

And lead us not into temptation
And now I am at the operating table, they, the doctors were through slicing me up and putting her heart inside me. I could feel the soft thump thump of it and I am getting nauseated. She’s gone, I thought.

"Please, give her my heart, please."

And then a flat line.

“BP’s dropping”
“OK charge to 360, clear”

And lead us not to temptation…

Perhaps as I lay dying tonight, she would be the last that I would remember.

"No change, now charge it to 500, clear"

But deliver us from evil.

I love you. I whispered

Amen.




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Hey there!

First off, I'd like to say, this was really sweet story. I enjoyed the premise. I think the idea of exchanging hearts was very well thought off. I like how you developed the idea of lovers' hearts belonging to each other into something quite literal in this story.

I have some nitpicks, though.
First off:
Under the starry night, we kissed and by God, that was the sweetest kiss I ever tasted in my whole life. Our first.

And last.

Personally, I think it's rather odd this was their first kiss. The way they talk to each other and act around each other it seems as if they've known each other for quite a while. It makes sense as their last kiss, but not so much as a first. Otherwise, if it really was their first kiss then we're wondering what exactly happened that they bonded so quickly before their first kiss, or on the other hand why did it take so long for them kiss each other since they seem to have known each other for a while.

Secondly, you keep changing the tenses in your story. You need to watch out for that. I get confused if this you're writing it in present tense of past tense. Not a good idea.

There was also too much telling versus showing. I mean, I understand he loves her a lot, and gives us reasons as well, but you as writer did not really reveal her personality very well to us. She seems too flat. Make her more dynamic. She has tends to be spontaneous. That seems like an interesting part of her. She needs a little more development, as well as your MC. Truth be told, I didn't feel to sad when they parted. Dwell on the dynamics of their relationship, their emotions, their griefs, rather than telling us about them.

On the whole, as I mentioned before, this is a very sweet story. Sorry if I seemed harsh, but I really see a lot of potential in this story and I think you can develop this into something quite great.

Keep writing, and good luck!
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
--Ellen DeGeneres




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That was such a sad story... It's so sweet. You just have to change some of the tenses, like mizz-iceberg said.
Please take care to use good grammar when making a post!

"grammer" 1519 matches on YWS *twitches*

Rydia is the ruler of the world. :(




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the story is very sweet and touching. you made a few mistakes with the tenses, but the story was good overall.
As I lay tonight, I cannot help but think of her. How her cute little face made the smile that won her my heart since the first time I saw it. Her regal manners, very womanly acts, so soft and gentle that made me drop anything that I was doing and rush to her side and lend a hand in every possible way that I can; her sensibility that challenged me every time we talked of whatever we could’ve talked of… yeah, she was my ideal woman from sole to crown.

“Robert,” she called me. Her voice was the finest I had ever heard, just like Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata—sweet, serene and sincere.

The sun was slowly ebbing away while I was watching tears fall from her eyes.

It was getting dark but we sat still—she, looking at the horizon, I at her counting the misty pearls falling.
“Where to?” I asked her, amused. Although I didn’t know what was her ploy, I just rode with her because her spontaneity never failed to amuse me the other countless times.
Enjoy every moment of your life; you never know when it might come to an end...




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Ahhh, that is soooooo sad! and sweet too. Bitter sweet. I am most definately NOT going to even try to point out and gramatical errors, if there are any. I don't have an eye for stuff like that. Cute story though and I liked it alot. It'll be on my mind for a while!

peace
~*~fairygirl~*~
“"Up is down"? Well, that's just maddeningly unhelpful.”
~Jack Sparrow, At Worlds End




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Hey there! Well, I'm not much one for nit-picky stuff, so I'll just let you know what I thought.

First, I read a lot of stuff on YWS, usually just so I can procrastinate from edits and rewrites of my own, and I usually don't feel compelled to give a review unless it's either really incredible, or needs some cleaning up but has a ton of potential. Yours fell in the incredible category. Congratulations!!

Second, I love how you incorporated the Lord's Prayer into the story. It gave the ending a sense of peace, which is hard to do when your character(s) die at the end of the story.

Third, I enjoyed the literal way you had the two characters exchange hearts. It gave a new meaning to everlasting love.

Finally, my little piece of criticism. When you mentioned that they were at school, it made me want to say, "Huh?" The scene made me think that they were outside, on a grassy hill or something equally romantic, but when you said "school," it changed my thoughts about that particular scene. Also, any public display of affection is discouraged at most schools, so if the two characters were kissing, that would seem more forbidden than sweet to me.

Overall, you have a great piece here. Thanks for sharing it!

-youreit
I smile, because I'd rather have laugh lines than a perma frown. :)




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Hey Geek! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

As I lay tonight, I cannot help but think of her.


I am doing


I was.

She was my everything.


I think the "my" here is redundant.

I’ve been trying to capture in my sketch pad.


I'd been.

“No it isn’t. When I would rather taste the bitter than to forget what was sweet,” I whispered.


Why is their a "When" here/

dignitythat I


Yeah. Space needed.

I hailed a cab and off we rode.


They get a cab out of the school?

that the ca finally came to a stop.


cab.

when finally I hit me.


it.

The doctor said that I need a new heart in order to live a normal life.


needed.

That girl, on my arms,


in, maybe?

loves me so selfishly


selflessly, perhaps?

her “hold on baby, we’re almost there.”


her, "Hold on."

Alright.

II. TRUE LOVE

Oh! It's true love! I know from the very first kiss!

... how likely is that? When does that ever happen?

From the very first kiss, you're not going to be ready to sacrifice your life for someone. Let's face it. You're just not.

Firstly, you give us no inclination of how long they've known each other, what they like about each other, why it's taken them so long to kiss if they're so in love. And I'm sorry, but I'm just not buying it. You'll need to be more convincing.

III. LET'S LOOK AT MEDICINE

I wasn't fully sure, but it would appear that she pricks herself on a rose bush, yes? That's a tiny cut.

The problem with haemophilia is that your blood can't clot. It's going to cause you terrible pain after a while. Once she cuts herself, she's not just going to be on the ground screaming in agony. And this is the twenty-first century. I'm not an expert (yet) but I'm pretty sure there's things they can do about a small cut. It may hurt, but she'll survive.

Also, how does she know that she's a match?

IV. OVERALL

You've got some lovely concepts going on here, but I feel that we need more development before we can appreciate it.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Hey. I just want to start off by saying that I really liked this piece. It was really sweet. However, you might want to watch verb tenses. I noticed you switched quite a bit. Also, there were some sentences that were worded very awkwardly. Other than that it was really good and I can't wait to see more from you. :)
I'll watch the night turn light blue/But it's not the same w/o you/Because it takes 2 to whisper quietly/The silence isn't so bad/Till i look at my hands and feel sad/Cus the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly...
"Vanilla Twilight" by Owl City...




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Hi, it's PenNPaper here.
Our Father who are in Heaven

There is not more than one Father, is there? 'who is'.
dignitythat

You probably forgot to hit the space button.
the cab finally

Just a typo, I think.

Well, that's all for the mistakes.
It was a well written story, you ended it quite abruptly though, I would liked to hear if she had survived or not.

Bye for now! :D
Writing is all about imagination~




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I thought this was a really sweet story and I love that you incorporated Bible scripture. It didn't make sense to me until the end . Really lieks it.
"Love is only a chapter in a guy's life , For a girl its the whole book <3 "




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Beautiful story.. I actually cried. So sweet and endearing. I absolutely loved it. :cry: :cry: :D



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