gregor's peas

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the bees hover in the garden like fermatas, and the peablossoms cup and
clench, like the tiniest newborn fists. it is all peas, it has always been
peas. they are lined in rows, in planting boxes, in mildewed greenhouses
and he moves among them with a pair of handshears and a straw hat.
it is spring and they come up in strangled, adolescent groups, their petals
tongues searching skyward for snowflakes. the peas huddle in their
pods, hanging and snooping among the thin, delicately outheld leaves.

he counts them very carefully, and segregates them and the purple flowers
sigh after the white ones across the path, and the red peablossoms tipping
up in their strands and infirmaries are like thermometers in the mouths of the sick.
these plants are his children, the bees his governesses, and at noon the churchbell rings,
lolls, reveals its underskirt on the upswing for lunch. he tallies them, pinches them,
prods around inside of their tiny, puckered mouths, with all the concern
and worry of a father.

they are raised in a monastery, mute, unable to completely stifle their
exuberance and their vanity, chaste and breathing in their own pollen
like a familiar, half-remembered perfume. they crane their necks, and propagate
and the peapods snap open – inside, the peas cloistered and sticking together,
like husbandless mothers in a convent. he scolds them with numbers,
narrows them down to letters in a foursquare and sometimes only seems to care
about where they came from, their lineage, their royal, floral
heritage.

but when he holds them between his fingers and smiles softly in the haze
of summer and loose-drifting pollen, they know he loves them and
they blush for him.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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A prose-poem! Wow, I haven't seen one of those in a while.

This is very good. I can't honestly say I'd change anything; I like how you personify the pea plants, how Mendel "scolds them with numbers..." This is exquisite. You take an act of science and turn it into a work of beauty!

I'm sorry I can't be more constructive with this one. It's just excellent as it is.

Take care, and keep up the good work!
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Hi, Kylan!

I do rather like this, I think it's terribly pretty and you have some gorgeous images here that I am envious of. Particularly "and the purple flowers/ sigh after the white ones across the path, and the red peablossoms tipping/up in their strands and infirmaries are like thermometers in the mouths of the sick." because it's wonderful and beautiful and I wish I could find a line with that kind of perfect image.

In regards to what I don't particularly like, I am having an issue with your flow. Your word usage is splendid of course, but I feel as though sometimes your tone and formality holds your poem back. Instead of reading this like a summer evening - I feel as though I want to hear cicadas and feel the muggy warmth - I don't feel much other than delight at some wonderful phrases. This, as I mentioned, I think its because of the formality that exists in the poem. Not all of your poetry has this same voice and I'm thankful for that because it's coming up pearshaped in this poem.

Lines like "they are lines in rows, in planting boxes..." and "they are raised in a monastery, mute, unable to completely stifle their/exuberance and their vanity, chaste and breathing in their own pollen" feel wrong, they're too long and too full to be read in any easy manner. Your poetry is by no means easy to read normally, you have a complex nature which is often expressed excellently, but this poem is particularly uneven in flow. I would like to see some contractions, because they would fix the flow, but I don't think they would fit in the poem itself at all. Instead, I ask you to consider taking out some of the less needed words and phrases, such as "and they" so that your poem has less clutter.

The poem is linear, almost a narrative, and it grows very well. I appreciate the ending and all the words inbetween but I also feel like it's somewhat forced. Again, I will blame the formality of the wording - although I'm not entirely sure that's what the issue is caused ny initially. I think I may have started rambling, if so, I apologise profusely. In the end, I think I find the poem beautiful in pieces but frustrated and clutterd over all. There's a feeling missing that I think is essential to really connecting with and loving the poem. I am envious of your expression and the talent you always bring to your work, and I can see it here, but I do think you can work with this a little more.

As always, your work is above standard and I appreciate being able to experience it.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.




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Hey, Kylan!

This poem in general makes me happy, especially the ending. It's still not my favourite one by you, even though the quality's you through and through and you didn't let the reader [me!] down this time, either.

The problem number one I had with it was some of the words you used that, in my opinion, could have been replaced with something less awkward, like "husbandless mothers" -- you probably had your reasons not to say "single mothers", but to me husbandless doesn't sound very good, never mind that "single" is a common and worn out word. One other word of this kind was "governesses" -- I do like the image, and the singular "governess", but the plural is too much of a jumble for me, even though I know it's not your fault. "Half-remembered" falls under this category too. I really really like the image and I know exactly what you mean by it, I'm just not a fan of the word itself.

The problem number two was the slight contradiction -- how the man loves and thinks the world of his plants, but still he scolds them and cruelly categorizes them. I'm glad you fixed that toward the ending, though, otherwise I wouldn't've been as satisfied.

My favourite bit is the beginning,

the bees hover in the garden like fermatas


because there's a clever music reference and it's very skillfully used, too. The very ending was also great. Thanks for the pleasant read!

Here ends my 500th review :P


Demsy
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Mostly I'm just absurdly excited that you wrote a poem about Gregor Mendel. You definitely have beautiful images, as has been mentioned, and I also loved many of the small details. "Mildewed greenhouses", "handshears and a hat", the church bell "reveals its underskirt on the upswing for lunch." Wonderful. I get the sense you're giving the peas a sort of rebellious sensuality (sexuality?) in the chaste environment of the monastery, which I relished, especially in the last line.

A few small critiques: The shorter final lines of stanzas two, three and four didn't really do anything for me. They look out-of-place on the page, and don't seem to add to the rhythm or sense of the poem
The first time I read it, 'completely stifle' in stanza three came off as a bit clunky and amateurish - would 'stifle' on its own suffice?
You might consider replacing some of the commas with semicolons, where appropriate, to even up the flow a bit.

I'm fond of the formal, even ornate, language, and I love the pun with 'segregates' in stanza two. Very nice work :)
Siempre, siempre: jardin de mi agonia,
tu cuerpo fugitivo para siempre,
la sangre de tus venas en mi boca,
tu boca ya sin luz para mi muerte.

-From 'Del amor imprevisto', Federico Garcia Lorca



Sometimes you don’t need metaphors to feel something breaking
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