The men all gathered round to see the show in the street. A single woman danced, streamers waved around, attached to her jewelry covered hands. The men were mesmerized by her beauty, and her dance. Color began to grow more fluorescent, the world brighter as they watched. The cloudy day felt a bit sunnier as she performed her dance, not a sound escaped the lips of any of the men as they watched the movement, captivated by storm. As the men watched, joy filled their hearts, an indescribable euphoria which grew more and more. The world around them moved at a normal pace but these men were only aware of the woman’s hypnotic performance. And suddenly she sped up; her dancing became more rapid and powerful as the streamers quickly followed her graceful movement. The streamers seemed like never-ending lines of color, memories following the beautiful hands of the graceful woman. Inside each member of the crowd was something that awakened, pulling them towards her deep down inside. The beautiful dance changed the men’s perspective to the world around them, as the elegant movements kept them at bay. As the dance grew faster and faster, more emotion flooded the audience; grief, anxiety, depression, relief, worry, anger, hatred, and then despair unlike any other. And all of the sudden, the dance stopped, and the men all blinked, an emptiness resided in each of them, the world growing much dimmer than before, each looked around, noticing that they were not alone watching the beautiful display. They saw the world had changed without their realization; that everything moved on while they had stopped to gaze at the spectacle, opportunities lost, doors closed, and friends lost. Each one slowly returned their gaze to where the woman was, but she was not there, there was no trace of her. One man whispered to the one next to him, "what was that?” The man replied to the other, "why you silly man, it was love of course.”
This is actually quite good. I am completely unsure of where the plot is going which can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on the kind of reader. Some readers if the a purpose is not evident will have no reason to return for the next chapter, but others like the mystery and want to find out what will happen to this strange girl they don't know about. I liked how it was written in third person. Will later chapters also be written in third person? One big positive was the amount of description enclosed inside these few short paragraphs. I would like to stress that this is very short, and maybe next time you should set your goal to about twice as long as this. Don't feel bad about this though, the first chapter I posted was very short only about 1200 words. I rushed to publish because I didn't want people to lose interest, but now I wish I had just waited and posted a much longer and well edited product. Overall it was short, descriptive, expressed well in third person, and it flowed well.
keep writing,
DayDreams
"If the king doesn't lead, how can he expect his subordinates to follow?"
The men all gathered round to see the show in the street. A single woman danced, streamers waved around, This is supposed to be 'waving', make note of that. attached to her jewelry covered hands. The men were mesmerized by her beauty, and her dance. Color began to grow more fluorescent, the world brighter as they watched. The cloudy day felt a bit sunnier as she performed her dance, not a sound escaped the lips of any of the men as they watched the movement, captivated by storm.The previous line is too long and passive. You'd do better to pull it up into active to match the tempo of the story. As the men watched, joy filled their hearts, an indescribable euphoria which grew more and more. The world around them moved at a normal pace but these men were only aware of the woman’s hypnotic performance. And suddenly she sped up; her dancing became more rapid and powerful as the streamers quickly followed her graceful movement. The streamers seemed like never-ending lines of color, memories following the beautiful hands of the graceful woman. Inside each member of the crowd was something that awakened, pulling them towards her deep down inside. The beautiful dance changed the men’s perspective to the world around them, as the elegant movements kept them at bay. As the dance grew faster and faster, more emotion flooded the audience; grief, anxiety, depression, relief, worry, anger, hatred, and then despair unlike any other. And all of the sudden, the dance stopped, and the men all blinked, an emptiness resided in each of them, the world growing much dimmer than before, each looked around, noticing that they were not alone watching the beautiful display. They saw the world had changed without their realization; that everything moved on while they had stopped to gaze at the spectacle, opportunities lost, doors closed, and friends lost. Each one slowly returned their gaze to where the woman was, but she was not there, there was no trace of her. One man whispered to the one next to him, "what was that?” The man replied to the other, "why you silly man, it was love of course.” The Ws are supposed to be in capital, not lowercase. ^^.
Overally a good story, but you could have done better by including more character interaction, perhaps including what the woman is thinking as she dances, and you could also try splitting the story up into several paragraphs, to make for easier reading. ^^ That's all I have to offer - I hope I helped! ^^
Robyn.
I am the workingman, the inventor, the maker of the world's food and clothes. I am the audience that witnesses history. - Carl Sandburg, I am the People, the Mob
Sorry, this happens every time, I guess I'm not clear enough, but the last little bit of the story is me telling you thatthw girl and her dance were personifications of love... I kinda worked on a deeper level with this piece..
