Oh My (THe Concussion)

Oh my, oh my

Oh! My heart beats to match the music
the bass floats through the air
i can hear my hair

Oh my, oh my

Oh! my mind wanders to waters in desserts on the sun
vast plains where space and pace and acid laced mean nothing
but even nothing means something...

Oh my, Oh my

Oh! My laughter starts from nowhere at first
then it seems to come from inside
you can't stop it if you tried
you're just along for the ride

Oh my, oh my

Oh! My mind and spirit clearly separate
now i can segregate what I once couldn't discriminate
like lions and space ships
the only clear difference is the hips

but that makes no sense at all
how could it?
By now my perception is in a free fall
but even skydivers have some sense

Oh my, oh my

Oh my! the first bite is the best.
Once I a taste it my hands move mechanically to keep the gravy train moving
Chester Cheetah is the lord and messiah for he gives all life
failure to is not an option
If the machine breaks down, we break down...

All else is shoved from my thoughts once biology pokes it's head through the door to the mind
Viruses. Viruses look like machines. What if they are machines?
What if men went back and introduced them with time machines?
Could man cause so much death?
No.

It must have been the aliens
after all, if they helped build the pyramids why not this?
Why take all of their knowledge and use it for that kind of evil?
Perhaps they are microscopic mega-beings. Constantly working day and night to reproduce.
Now they sound like humans... how can this be..?

Oh my.... oh my... oh my...ohmy...o-...

It's the morning now.
What has happened to the vivid images?
Where did the thoughts that would change history as we know it go?
Why can't i remember them?
Why am i covered in cheato's lying on my bathroom floor?
Wh- Why is THE bag empty!?
Oh... that's why...
ohhhh myyyyyy..
oh my...

Hello,
I really enjoyed your poem. i thought it was silly and whimsical, and though the rhyming scheme is utterly forced I think that's all right, here. I can actually imagine your character going through these actions and, while trying to be poetic, coming up with these terrible rhyming schemes as they go along.

MADD94 wrote:like lions and space ships
the only clear difference is the hips

I would say change lions to cheetahs, so it makes a little more sense later on.
But that's just me, and I know this poem isn't supposed to make sense so... take that how you will.
Anyways, great job and keep rhyming,
Empress

Hey there!

I ... think I like this. I'm not really sure. It's kind of cool, the way that it doesn't make sense, but at the same time I'm kind of lost on it. So I guess you've actually done a pretty good job on the feel of the poem and everything. The rhyme is kind of forced in places, but it's not too bad. If you really wanted to capture the confusion you could perhaps try free-form poetry?

~Amy

Hi, I'm Grin

This was great. I'm not sure I completely understood everything, but what I did get was fantastic. And like Amy said, the whole nonsense thing sort of worked. Kind of like Lewis Carrol. You've really captured the essence of concussion here, too - although a concussed person might not be able to think with such detail.

Unfortunately, I can't be any more constructive than to point out that your first two verses are shorter than your other verses. And the line

I can hear my hair

seems kind of weak.

Other than that, excellent. Gold star for you, my dear!

~Grin

Oh, dear. Hello!

Goodness, this is one of the most original poems I've seen in a long time. I'm not quite sure what to make of it!

It was really random, and it had spelling mistakes laced in it, like the cheeto one close to the end. It kind of jumped about, as well, and I think a condensed feel generally has more effect on me than anything.

But I understand that this may stem from the fact that it's subtitled the concussion, and basically this person is speaking a load of nonsense. The problem that touched me on this was that, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get the poem-i-ness to come out of it. You have the rhyme and enjambment and run ons to make a poem, but I am just not catching it.

I'll say thanks for the read. I don't enjoy it as much as I would like, but keep up the work.

June

Hey Mad, There really is no way I can review this, it's all very random, and I must say my first reaction from the very beginning was "Wow, this guy must have been seriously tripping on something." But I must say I laughed so hard while reading it, because to me it seems to be trying to be all serious and philosophical most of the time, but it's just so random and... I think the part about Chester Cheetah would have to be my favorite part, but the lions and spaceships are a close second. I really enjoyed this poem, thanks.

~Hope