Your Smile

To see you everyday is a gift to me,
whether you feel the same way that i do about thee,
though that period of time is not very long,
I treasure it so much, knowing that it will soon be gone.

Why are you leaving me so?
Dont you know? Dont you know?
That the happiest sight for me is your smile.
Staring at me joyfully,
as if you're feeling what i feel now.

Seconds, hours, and days go by,
and i still hold dear that joy in your eye.
You may ask why.
Why would i hold that in my mind?
Because young dear,
it makes it clear, that its just not me who is crazy inside.

Welcome to YWS!

A quick reminder: when you are talking about yourself, you capitalize "i" so that it becomes "I." It is because the word itself is a title, in a sense. If you're talking about a lower case i, then you can just say "i." A lot of people say "Capitalize 'i'" and that's why.

I like the subject of the poem. A person's smile can be very attractive and the variety you find in smiles is just incredible. There are the big beaming smiles, there are the small smiles, there is the sly grin, not to mention the secretive smile. There are so many types which are ripe for study.

This poem kind of avoids it though. You talk mostly about the affect it has on the narrator, "It is a gift," "I treasure it," etc. I don't think you actually talk about the smile though. I think it would be more powerful if you focused more on the smile itself, with the idea of giving the readers an idea of what the smile looks like.

That way, when the poem is over, your readers should be smiling. Whenever people see someone else smile, really smile, their reaction is to smile back. And that is how you'll know you've written a good smile poem.

Hi!
I really liked the poem The subject is great.there are a few little mistakes(if you don't mind).I felt that 'thee' was a little odd.secondly the rhyming scheme was a little confusing.Overall I think it's great! Keep up the good work.

....july...

I agree with July, your rhyming scheme can be confusing at times. Other than this and a few little mistakes I thought it was great. A smile is a god subject because there is so much you can write about. I think that maybe you could have focused more on the actual smile so we readers can picture it. Other than this it wa great!!

Keep Writing,
Lydia

hello, serena.
okay, so this it's nice but there are some things that bothered me. the previous comments mentioned capitalization already, so i won't talk about it anymore.

To see you everyday is a gift to me,
whether you feel the same way that i do about thee,

i think the second line is too long, and some words are inappropriate, like you can say, "whether you feel the same way, too" to shorten it.

Dont you know? Dont you know?
That the happiest sight for me is your smile.

okay, so you repeated "don't you know?" here, and you should remove the question mark on the second one because the third line is a continuation right? so it'll look like this:

Don't you know? Don't you know
that the happiest sight for me is your smile?

aww. i like this line.


as i've said, i like the poem. i hope i've helped you and feel free to pm me if you'd like to say something. keep it up.

~telle

Okay, evidently there is no pattern to your rhyme scheme, and when you do rhyme it feels very forced (i.e. me/thee) I would say you would do better to just freestyle this poem, instead of trying to make it rhyme. Furthermore, why are some words in bold? I am not sure if you are trying to put emphasis on these words, as it doesn't really make sense why you would. Finally, you end up by saying that the speaker isn't the only one who is crazy, but up until this point, we had no idea that the protagonist is crazy. Perhaps drop some hints along the way, so we are not quite as surprised at the end.

Hope that helps. Keep writing and you will find your voice!

Hello! June here!

I think you have a decent sketch for a poem here, but I don't understand some parts. For instance, on the look of it, why are the words bolded? To emphasize, use italics instead.

Remember that the pronoun I should always be capitalized, because it's proper.


I think the idea of this is good, but I don't see enough emphasis on the smile. It feels like you're just talking to this person, and I want to see more. More images -- how does the smile look? Is it a thousand stars parading across the sky, or the glint of the moon against a black velvet sky? How about how it makes you feel? Are the horses of glee prancing around in your chest? Your heart soaring to the clouds? How about what it makes you do? Turn back flips? Jump around? Scream?

Be creative, and use your imagination to make this poem come to life.

June