Hurt 'em

Okay, so I knoooow this sucks. Seriously. That's why I'm posting it! For reviews and so not give something to my group to review and sabotage.xD

ghostly white roses,
vainly tainted with
crimson red tears.

its thorns awake
sleepless forgotten cries
of lonely souls.

hurt, who can't feel
Rose, hurt 'em
for they deserve it

those who hide
their fondest fears
and darkest memories
(shamelessly behind a)

Background of melted
once upon sunshines
to broken glistening
dreams...

I like the lack of capitalization and the way it's broken up.

those who hide
their fondest fears
and darkest memories
(shamelessly behind a)

I like this: how you took "darkest fears" and "fondest memories" and switched them around. It works nicely!

However, I don't really know about this. I know I'm all for "show, don't tell!" but this doesn't do much telling, to me. I see a lot of imagery, but I can't seem to tie it together to make much of a story out of it. Something's hurt; that's all I know.

Try to find a way to make it tell more.

Overall, I liked it, even though I don't get it. It's a pretty poem with pretty wordage.

Thanks for posting!

Erm, I'm sorry I'm going to go harsh with this. The words used created a bit of mystery for me and I actually tried to "decipher" what you wanted to tell, but I kind of lacked enough information to imagine what I should -> I do not get the story you put into your poem or the true meaning, my apologies =S . I didn't like much the way stanzas are written, It lacks something I... I'm sorry but I fail to describe ( 3rd language >.< ).

In overall though, I believe that with a bit of editing your poem it'll be great =) I can't tell that I didn't like it as a whole, there are fragments I liked for sure. I hope the reviews after me will be more helpful and am looking forward to the next piece of your work you'll write and if you happen to edit this poem, then the edited version of this poem too =) Keep writing, good luck!

Kyousuke

Hi!

I liked it. The lack of capitalisation worked, but I didn't quite get why you capitalised Rose - is Rose the flower, or a girl? And you've capitalised Background, which doesn't fit.

But the rhythm is nice, and I enjoyed it. I'm sorry I can't be more constructive, but it's all already there.

Hope I was in some way helpful.
~Grin

Hey Kat!

I didn't think it sucked! I thought it was actually quite good.

Although it did confuse me a bit, I like the brokenness of it, and the way it wasn't perfect. I like poems that don't have perfect format, I think it brings more meaning to the words.

Good job! Keep writing!

~Mo.

It doesn't suck! I actually found it very interesting and orginal, the fact that it wasn't written the usual way, and was all broken. -- Perhaps a reflection of what was broken?

What was actually broken / hurt though is difficult to understand, like other people have said I think. Maybe you could work on explaining that a bit more clearer, but making sure you keep it broken, because I think it works well that way. A poem works well when it is what it's showing.

You need to get rid of that line in brackets though. The poem flowed suprisingly well with the mashed up lines, but the fact that line was in brackets broke that flow in my opinion. Also:

Background of melted
once upon sunshines

This doesn't make sense to me. Don't know about anyone else?

Anyway, good to read something different. Thanks for posting it.

I refuse to review this. It's just to sabotage us >.>