Ambrean Circle

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Cold, gleaming and shiny - those adjectives described the glass-top tables and polished marble floor surfaces of Ambrean Laboratories Inc. When you were younger, you learned that nothing ever came for free - not even a job while there's that idiotic revolt going on right outside the gates of the Laboratory, smack in the city centre itself. People refused to work because they wanted good pay, better health insurance, all that crap.

But as a thief, you've pretty much come to expect that there was nothing such as good pay or health insurance in your field of work. No - it always depended on whether it was a valuable object, or indeed not at all - how hard or risky it was to get. The riskier the better - if you came back with injuries, the pay was double. It was always the same. And you hated it so much, sometimes you wish you could let go. But you couldn't. You don't believe in the Revolution, but you work for it - because there's a little sister you've got who dying of a terminal disease, and heck if you care how you got the money, you needed to save your sister, you needed to pay for the darned treatment.

She's too young to die, and it's not as if your brother can do anything to save her, he's only an office clerk barely making a living. He's looking to you to get the money, and she's looking to you to save her. How on Earth are you going to get the money? By stealing, of course.

The Laboratory gives you the creeps. Maybe it's all that shine and polish gleaming so awfully brightly. Maybe it's the constant humming and bleeping sound of the machinery. Maybe it's all those strange looking chemicals sitting on top of the glass tables. Whatever it is, you don't want to stay here any longer. The target - a small vial of what looks to be purple liquid - is standing alone in the center of the room, quite unguarded. This is your lucky day, isn't it? No, you don't think so. You haven't had a lucky day since you spent your teens selling home-made food to bypassers, hoping someday someone will take notice of your skills. You wanted to be a chef - but where was your luck then? Nowhere. And you don't think you're going to be lucky today, either.

You deactivate all of the defenses one by one - the laser beams, the cameras, the robots, anything and everything that could be a potential security risk.

The vial is pocketed safely, and you sneakily climb out back the way you came in. Too bad you didn't think of the security risks outside.

One of the guards spots you and brings out a walkie-talkie, speaking to his colleagues. As he brings out his laser, you decide it's time to make your escape. You try to slink away, only to be spotted by another gaggle of officers. Isn't this your lucky day?

You somehow make your escape from the facility - despite a dozen guards chasing you - and safely make it back to the compound. The boss is being a usual grouch, but he lets you have your reward - a boot from the compound.

It is the wrong vial. A different shade, he says. But how the b***** hell are you supposed to know what shade it was? In the end, you don't know whether to protest or to give up. But you can't give up. You can't. Little Erines will die, and how can you endure leaving her to die like that? You can't. You couldn't.

And it wasn't as if your work wasn't rewarded after all. A few days later, an apology letter and some money worth half the price of job is sent to you. But it's not enough for the operation. It's never enough. And while Erines keeps saying that it's alright, she doesn't mind if she dies, you know that she doesn't want to die. And you don't want her to die, either.

Why, why, why does life have to be unfair?

This is supposed to be set in the future, but I guess I didn't describe it too well. My first time writing in second-person, so I hope it's okay enough for that. ^^
I am the workingman, the inventor, the maker of the world's food and clothes.
I am the audience that witnesses history.
- Carl Sandburg, I am the People, the Mob




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Hiya!

This is very good. Second person stories are hard to pull off, but you managed this one pretty well. I think, if you switched into first or third person, this could be the beginning of a book. But as far as second person goes, it makes a good short story.

Keep it up!
-Kelcia
Mutant Plot Bunnies

Is it just me, or are the plot bunnies taking advantage of my ADD?

OmnomnomRandomPlotDetourOmnomnom

Right.




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LezaleanWitch wrote:Cold, gleaming and shiny -make '-'(hash as I call it) a semi-colon those change to 'these' adjectives described the glass-top tables and polished marble floor surfaces of Ambrean Laboratories Inc. When you were younger, you learned that nothing ever came for free -I'd replace hash with a comma, sometimes it's best to use simple punctuation as the reader can read it better[i] not even a job[i], while there's that idiotic revolt going on right outside the gates of the Laboratory, smack-bang (just a suggestion to give it some drama) in the city centre itself. People refused to work because they wanted good pay, better health insurance, all that crap. Beautiful start! I adore 2nd person and the reader can't do anything BUT get gripped - fabulous! You've started plot development as well through your narrator's 'rants' and it's come through effortlessly. Beautiful, beautiful start!

But as a thief, good, you've made this blunt which means the reader takes it as a fact and that's essential you've pretty much come to expect that there was nothing such as good pay or health insurance in your field of work this is good in a way that if I haven't already understood, you've told me. It's not an info dump because it's 2nd person so this is a clever fragment of information that benefits the reader - love it. No Full stop, cut out the hash, this way you have a very short sentence that's full of impact. - it always depended on whether it was a valuable object, or indeed not at all -replace this hash with 'and' how hard or risky it was to get. The riskier the better. (cut hash, use simple punctuation) - If you came back with injuries, the pay was double. It was always the same. And you hated it so much, replace comma with 'that' so the fluency of reading is better here sometimes you wish you could let go. But you couldn't. You don't believe in the Revolution, but you work for it - hash isn't working again - find alternatives (this might just be me, but I follow text far easier when simple punctuation's used) because there's a little sister you've got who dying of a terminal disease, and heck if you care how you got the money, you needed to save your sister, you needed to pay for the darned treatment. This is great! The reader's got this burden now and the plot feels development because the reader's emotions are developing, you're convincing me it's my memory and that is brilliant. However a small tip; get a friend to read over your work aloud, because they will give you a sense of the fluency of your punctuation. You could read it aloud yourself, but because you wrote it, it's harder to pick up on fluency mistakes...

She's too young to die, and it's not as if your brother can do anything to save her, he's only an office clerk barely making a living. Love character intro here, you're giving the reader a belonging. He's looking to you to get the money, and she's looking to you to save her. How on Earth are you going to get the money? By stealing, of course. I've got a reason, this shows plot development, however you've made it explicit and I think you need to imply more, but this is only because I take more to mystery, other reviewers may disagree here.

The Laboratory gives you the creeps. Maybe it's all that shine and polish gleaming so awfully brightly. Love the atmosphere. Maybe it's the constant humming and bleeping change around to 'bleeping and humming' it feels better.. small nitpick sound of the machinery. Maybe it's all those strange looking chemicals sitting on top of the glass tables. Whatever it is, you don't want to stay here any longer. The target - a small vial of what looks to be purple liquid - is standing alone in the center of the room, quite unguarded. This is your lucky day, isn't it? No, you don't think so. You haven't had a lucky day since you spent your teens selling home-made food to bypassers, hoping someday someone will take notice of your skills. You wanted to be a chef - but where was your luck then? Nowhere. And you don't think you're going to be lucky today, either.

You deactivate all of the defenses one by one - the laser beams, the cameras, the robots, anything and everything that could be a potential security risk.

The vial is pocketed safely, and you sneakily climb out back the way you came in. Too bad you didn't think of the security risks outside.

One of the guards spots you and brings out a walkie-talkie, speaking to his colleagues. As he brings out his laser, you decide it's time to make your escape. You try to slink away, only to be spotted by another gaggle of officers. Isn't this your lucky day?

You somehow make your escape from the facility - despite a dozen guards chasing you - and safely make it back to the compound. The boss is being a usual grouch, but he lets you have your reward - a boot from the compound.

It is the wrong vial. A different shade, he says. But how the b***** hell are you supposed to know what shade it was? In the end, you don't know whether to protest or to give up. But you can't give up. You can't. Little Erines will die, and how can you endure leaving her to die like that? You can't. You couldn't.

And it wasn't as if your work wasn't rewarded after all. A few days later, an apology letter and some money worth half the price of job is sent to you. But it's not enough for the operation. It's never enough. And while Erines keeps saying that it's alright, she doesn't mind if she dies, you know that she doesn't want to die. And you don't want her to die, either.

Why, why, why does life have to be unfair?

This is supposed to be set in the future, but I guess I didn't describe it too well. My first time writing in second-person, so I hope it's okay enough for that. ^^


Overall - fab! :)




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Ill review other half tomorrow!




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First of all, well done. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Expand the story, and reveal your characters, and I'll be very entertained. Well done. Keep writing. :elephant:
And the angel said unto him, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” But lo, he could not stop, for the angel was hitting him with his own hands.




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Hi, PenNPaper here.
It was a good story, even though it was short, you did it in second person, which was quite remarkable, especially since second person is hard to write.
You did a good job with the intro and explained everything quite well.
I can't spot any mistakes as it's probably too short.
Writing is all about imagination~



who you become at your worst isn't who you are
— canopy