Death Clock

Ok so this isn't very good but i got bored and thought I would share.
Tick Tock
the clock mocks me
to save a soul
from a bad eternity.

Click Click
the seconds tick
telling me,
that more have faced
death.

Two more it screams
and the tears begin to stream
knowing I was to late
to save another soul.

Agony wretches over me
as I think
who could be next
on the evil clock
of death.

Could it be you,
or maybe me?

All I have left
is to save the
innocent souls
and hope for
a better way.

As for today
all I hear
is the tick tock
of the death clock.

Flower~Child wrote:tge seconds tick

Umm...what the heck is "tge"? You've really gotta spell-check your work. I don't have any idea how this comes up? It's a good piece, I'm not denying that, but when you make a mistake like a rediculous mispelling, it's usually pretty obvious and it takes aways from the piece. I don't have any idea what "tge" is supposed to be! Either your spelling needs some improvement, or I just have a shorter vocabulary than I thought.

Like I said, this is a very good piece! You've just got to check your work twice, or I've got to pick up a dictionary.
Keep it up! Have a nice day!

Hi Flower Child! How are you? I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing this

Now, I really like this. The rhyming scheme gave it a little funny tone, that made a morbid theme rather more fun to read. The only thing that was a bit confusing, was the fact that it was a constant thing,a s in it had no pattern or particular structure. It seemed a little bit random, and that's not a very good thing in a poem. But the fact that the rhyming is so subtle and so simple, it is very delightful to read.

I think you got a bit repetitive throughout the poem, but that could be fixed with a simple check over reading ^.^

Now, the flow. There were sometimes where it was good, but there were some where it weren't. For an example,

that more have faced
death.

Here, it really isn't very good. The second stanza is very different from the first, in terms of flow. So, just take another read at this, try reading with voice, and then you'll see the place where it's sketchy.

Side note: your punctuation is really good.

So, sorry it's short, and thanks for posting this! PM if you need anything.
- Kat

Hi, there, Flower Child! I'm here to review!

First off, I agree with *writewatiwant* that your punctuation is very good! It was well placed, and not distracting, which can be quite common in poetry. That being said, the way you rhyme certain stanzas seems random, and a bit forced.

Flower~Child wrote:Tick Tock
the clock mocks me
to save a soul
from a bad eternity.

Two things about this: the first is what I said about the rhyming. It's a little unnatural. Second, I think taking away "a bad" and making the line "to save a soul/ from eternity" would improve the flow of this poem a great deal. If you did, the reader would still be able to understand what you meant, so there wouldn't be a risk. That's only a suggestion, though.

Click Click
the seconds tick
telling me,
that more have faced
death.

I especially like this!

Two more it screams
and the tears begin to stream

Maybe try "twice more it screams?"

So, yeah. Great work, apart from those nitpicks! Keep it up!

Be afraid, I'm going to just sit here and talk.

So, you intrigued me by your title. I was like "hey! this should be interesting," but, to me, you didn't really deliver. I found this sort of boring. I wish you could have stuck with the death clock metaphor. Saying how you are losing a loved one to the death clock or something, you know?

I realise this was written on whim, and for that, you did a good job. It just wasn't the poem I was looking for.

All I have left
is to save the
innocent souls
and hope for
a better way.

Woah! this was out-of-the-blue! You turned from some sad story about a death clock to some fantasy thing! If you wish to keep this, please further explain. You threw me off.

Keep writing! I have a feeling poetry is your passion.

~Classy

Hello! Here's another review to add to your collection.

"Death Clock" provided an interesting, if morbid read. The way you wrote it left some mystery to the reader: How could those souls have been saved? There is a sense of urgency, but why is nothing being done?

In terms of how well the poem was written, I have to say that your meter is a little wobbly and your decision to rhyme only some of the sentences comes across as a little schizophrenic.

I'm still glad I read it, but I think it would be an improvement if you chose to rhyme other words with Tock and Clock.
–antimelrose

When I wrote it, I just kept writing without looking at it. I read it over and saw some spots that looked bad but I was at a loss at what to put there instead. I was hoping for some ideas to come to me later. I will work on the rhyme I really didn't mean for it to be there at all haha. I was thinking about the fact that two people die every two second so who wouldn't want to save them, but it is quite impossible.

Flower~Child wrote:Agony wretches over me
as I think
who could be next
on the evil clock
of death.

I see you already got many reviews, but this had to be said. Death is not evil. Death comes to us because we are evil. Well...at least in christian philosophy.

I am a Christian haha, I was thinking of saving people you know like from hell.

Hi, I'm Grin, it's nice to meet you.

If the idea you're trying to put across is hell at the end there, maybe it would be better to talk about suffering rather than death. Remember that for some people, death means heaven. And, if you're talking about hell, "bad eternity" doesn't quite cover it.

Your rhythm is also a little off. Your lines don't seem to fit, and where you're putting "death" in the end line of your verses, it doesn't seem quite right.

Other than that, there's nothing that hasn't been said before. Well done.

Hope I helped
~Grin

Hey! I'm Mo, and I'll be reviewing this for you!

I thought this was good, and I think the last line really brings a certain element to this piece. I didn't really feel that the poem was about death until the end, but more about suffering, or something near death.

The only thing I could really pick up on is you wrote 'Tick Tock' in the first stanza, and then 'Click Click' in the second. I think you should change the second click.

Thanks for posting this, good job!

Keep writing!

~Mo.

Hey, Flooooower,

Okay, let's see!

This is decent, but it's just that. I feel like you have bones here with excess fat and not enough muscle; you need to trim this down, namely the repetitive parts, because they define this as a more narrative poem than anything else, and add more emotion to this-- not outwardly where you use terms such as sad, glad, mad to describe feeling, but inwardly where you choose words that characterize your poem and give your audience and implied sense of emotion going on here.

As for structural things, you're decent. I like your enjambment, but I think that you should go easier on the rhyme and repetition here.

June

Thank you June I will do. I will work on this later today if I have the time.

Hi Flower Child, I really loved this poem. It is fantastic, creative and dark all at the same time. I love the idea of the clock. It is very imaginative! To me it is like a person with a limited amount of time to live.
Maybe next time focus on how the dying person, I think that would have it even better. Apart form that our poem is quite flawless.
"Agony wretches over me
as I think
who could be next
on the evil clock
of death."
This is the part that I like most about your poem! It is GREAT!!
Thanx for a great poem,
watchmeburn