Counting Lies

Please review. First attempt at any kind of poetry. Not a true story, by the way.
***There were so many things wrong with it! I had to keep editing it. However, I fixed up most of them and it is definitely ready for a review. *



If I counted all your lies, I would even be surprised if you told some truths.

Soothsayer.
You?
I just want to know what’s
true.
I can’t leave without
knowing your story.


You look me
d.e.a.d
in the eyes.
Tell me, "They’re not all
lies."
What am I to
believe?


Head drops
d
o
w
n,
eyes to the floor.
I can’t take it any
more
Your eyes are mocking.


You grab me by the chin,
I scream, “I want to know where you’ve
been.”
You
turn
away,
I don’t know what’s more shocking.


Tears
f
a
l
l.
I frown,
that’s when you turn back
around,
pulling something
out of your pocket.


I look to your hands,
eyes wide, “This is what you were trying to
hide?”
I ask as I
s-tˬ ˬr-e
˹a˺
at the locket.


You walk over to me,
open it for all to
see.
A lonely tear
s

l

i

d

e

s
down my cheek.


The locket falls down;
down, down
onto the
ground,
the
r
i n
g
slips out
So,
this
is where you’ve been all week.

If I counted all your lies, would you even recognise that I would always blindly follow you?




Thanks for all the valuable reviews!

This is your first poem? I thought you said you had written one before?

Was that a lie to help you write this poem?

Anyway, I'll review it in depth when I am refreshed tomorrow.

I said I had one or two. This is an old one I found and decided to re-decorate. I wrote this one before the one I told you about. And I'll be glad for a review.

r
i n
g

Nice little effect you have there. It looks like a ring.

Hm, it doesn't appear to do the ring on this comment. But you get the idea.

HAHAAH! Nice. So, I will expect a review tomorrow then?

Yes, Ma'am you will.

- I am off to bed.

Enjoy the remainder of your day.

Wow, that's... pretty epic.

Seriously, I thought it was excellent. Your presentation is so different and unique, and it really suits your story. You don't see this sort of thing as much as would be nice.

Nitpicking:

A lonely tear
s

l

i

d
down my cheek.

"slides", it should be, since you're using present tense.

The locket fell down;
down, down

What's going on here? Half of it's bold and the other half isn't. It's a little confusing.

But, other than that, I loved it. Gold star for you!
~Grin

Thank you very much! *hugs*

I always paused at the "slid" part and I would stare at it, but I never knew what was wrong with it. I forgot that slid is past tense and not present.

And to the second, I was trying to use the half bold, full bold and normal to register that it was slowly getting further away and further down, though since you didn't get it, I'll have to think of another way to get the point across. (I changed it a little bit. I think it looks better now.)

Thank you again. Thank you very much.

If I counted all your lies, I would even be surprised that you told some truths.

OK, is the use of "that" intentional? Because my mind stops right there and groans. I think it will sound better if it said something like "if"

Tears
f
e
l
l;
I frown,
that’s when you turn back
around,
pulling something
out of your pocket.

Did you mean "fall"

The locket fell down;
down, down
onto the
ground,
the
r
i n
g
fell out
So,
this
is where you’ve been all week.

Once again, "fell" are you in the past or present?

About the blue: Did you mean to ask a question like, "So, this is where you've been all week?"

Other than that I like your poem. Lies are a terrible thing.

Light_Devil! wrote:

If I counted all your lies, I would be surprised if you told even some truths.

Soothsayer.
You? I don't like the = sign
I just want to know what’s
true.
I can’t leave without
knowing your story.


You look me
d.e.a.d
in the eyes.
Tell me, "They’re not all
lies."
What am I to
believe?


Head drops
d
o
w
n,
eyes to the floor.
I can’t take it any
more,
your eyes are mocking.


You grab me by the chin;
I scream, “I want to know where you’ve
been.”
You
turn
away, Okay, no weird --> things, It's just diverting
I don’t know what’s more shocking.


Tears
f
a
l
l
I frown,
that’s when you turn back
around,
pulling something
out of your pocket.


I look to your hands,
eyes wide, “This is what you were trying to
hide?”
I ask as I
s t a r e The way you formatted it before was strange and diverting, not in a good way.
at the locket.


You walk over to me;
open it for all to
see
A lonely tear
s

l

i

d

down my cheek.


The locket fell down;
down, down
onto the
ground,
the
r
i n
g
fell out
So,
this
is where you’ve been all week.

If I counted all your lies, would you even recognise
that I would always blindly follow you?

In a poem that banks on being visually appealing, I would say opt for commas and periods instead of semi-colons, they distract and so do some other things you tried. I like the free nature of this poem, as well as the fact that it rhymes, but I'm still not sure if I completely like this.
Anyways, hope the nitpicks above help.
good luck and keep rhyming

Thank you! I took the majority of your pointers, but I really liked the way the "stare" thing looked.

Thanks for the help!

Hi Light Devil! I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing, 'kay?

So, this is what they call a visual poem xD I really liked this. It presented a somewhat sad theme, with a touch of fun to it. I found it intriguing, and it's visual format supporting the idea was sure an impulse for me to keep reading. So, a few nit-picks?

You grab me by the chin,
I scream, “I want to know where you’ve
been.”
You
turn
away,

The flow here is simply awful xD Don't take this the wrong way, it's just really awkward. You pass from a lengthy line, to lines with only one word in them! Please fix that. It turns off the poem.

I ask as I
s-tˬ ˬr-e
˹a˺

This was the only part where the visual support didn't do anything for me. I actually can't tell which word is the second one, with all the squares.

The locket falls down;
down, down
onto the
ground,

BEST visual part ever. This gave me awesome imagery

And that's about it! Also, I really, really enjoyed the struck 'you'. It made me think that your MC thought of something first, but then corrected herself, so it feels very realistic. Great work!

Thanks for posting, and PM if you have any questions!
- Kat

Hello Little Devil! This poem was indeed visually appealing. Because of it's interesting format it kept me hooked. I truly enjoyed it. The thing that you can work on is to make sure the format doesn't actually take away from the quality of the poem.

I ask as I
s-tˬ ˬr-e
˹a˺
at the locket.

I didn't particularly like this part. It was rather distracting, and didn't really enhance the meaning. I also find this poem slightly detached, but you might have been going for that. Overall, I found this poem to be quite enjoyable. Congrats on writing your first poem! I look forward to reading more poems from you.

Keep writing!

Hey there!

Hmm. I quite like the whole visual effects thing. At the same time, I do think that the poem should be able to be effective without visual aids. But, it's a nice touch and it adds some fun to it. Some of the flow wasn't too great, and sometimes that was impaired by the visual touches. (Especially ring and stare). But overall it was a nice poem.

~Amy