DBBH
" Mayce, what is your problem," Lylium yelled at me. His eyes huge and filled with anger, and a small hint of something else behind all of that. I couldn't really see it behind all the negative things that were blocking it, though.
" I care for you! Is that some type of crime now? Am I not allowed to care? Well, Lylium, is that it?" I was heated. I can not believe he was doing this now. In the middle of the city park to say the least. It was by pure luck that I happened to stroll by and see him locking lips and swapping spit with this one girl from our school. I mean, were we dating, or did I not get the memo that we were breaking up? And now, after all of that, he had the balls to ask what was my problem? The nerve of some people.
" May, you know what I mean. The only reason I did this was because we were splitting up. And don't you dare talk to me like that when you were cheating on me too!" Suddenly my blood was pumping harder and my breathing grew shallow. I could feel the heat rush into my face, turning it a very unattractive shade of red," I bet you didn't think I saw you with that Rayne guy!"
"Rayne is my friend," I spat back at him," and you know that! We even double dated together! He has a boyfriend, Lylium. Speaking of boyfriends, you know he's gay anyway." I tilted my head back, refusing to let the tears flow over the edge of my eyes. I looked around and saw that a crowd was forming around us. It was hard to believe that I didn't notice them there before. Especially since they were screaming things like, "Lil, don't yell at her like that!", "Aw, May, he's a jerk get over him.", and, "Mayce, I can't believe you cheated on him!"
I shook my head slowly back and forth, trying to block out the now overwhelming noise of the crowd around me, well, around us. I glanced up briefly and saw Lil's still angry face. I couldn't believe this, he cheated on me and I was the one being yelled at. This was complete and utter bullshit.
"I can't deal with this, Mayce, it's over."

Hi there.
So, this was really cliche. Like, really, really cliche. There was nothing here that I haven't already read somewhere else. Your characters were flat. Your dialogue was uninspiring.
Which is not to say that this is unsalvageable. It's definitely salvageable. Here's what you need to do: Make this your own. There's nothing wrong with writing something that's been written many times before; you just have to do it your own way, add a little personal twist, something. Make it your own. Real characters, real emotions. Good luck!

You have a basic idea that a lot of people share or write. I thought its a good start but i would talk more about the characters and there personalitys. More describtion and if this is a chapter maybe even a prologue would be good. PM me if you have any questions!

Britt

Hey Loveless!!
I'll review this today!

well, to be honest, this was not original and definitely not something that I would ahve wanted to read. Why? Because is not new, I've read things like that before and some were better developed.
So...
First. This is very cliche, everything. The setting, the fight, the background, the dialog, everything.

Second. It seemed flat and very undeveloped. I know is just a piece but try to expand it and make us see what you see and feel what you feel. Try putting some of you in that piece, because to be honest, even the style was very cliche.

Third. Recommendation, as the reviewer above said, make it your own, put some of you in there. try making the characters more original and give us some characterization, give us their expression their feeling but not just something shallow. Give us their different reactions and even looks. As for your dialog, please don't leave like this because it is not original and not interesting, it is very flat and cliche and it doesn't even show us some of the characters by the way they speak.
Now for the setting, it was ok although this whole everyone shouting thing has been seen before. Try making a different setting an try to relate it to the mood of the piece.

When making this kind of stories, try to think about how can this story be different? How can this story affect the readers in a way that no other has? How will this be seen?

so that's what I can say and I hope I wasn't rude.

XOXO
Pudin