Love is a Fools Game

This poem is kinda different so I really wanna know what you think! *I made some ajustments according to your suggestions ;)
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False hope pours down on you like a rainstorm
For loving without perception is deadly as a wildfire
The beautiful night sky fills your heart with sadness
As you realize what could never be
Why are you such a fool for giving into this madness?!
This uncontrolled disaster of desire
I don't pity the fool
Those eyes of his that were once so loving
Are now weapons of mass destruction to your heart, mind, and soul
However, one cannot help what one wants
Perhaps it's like an invisible magnet that pulls one to another
Or maybe you just couldn't see the trap beneath your feet

Hi Janay! I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing this.

So, first off I'd like to talk to you about flow. Because, for me, this poem if very hard to read, due to one simple fact: the lines are too long. When the lines get this long, they get very wordy, and when you finally proceed to the next line, it all sounds very awkward. For example, I really liked your opening line (except, in my opinion, hopes would sound better than hope ^.^) but as I go onto the second, the line is soo long it takes me a bit to read and slows me down. As I slow down, the image and feeling of the poem slowly drift away, as if I'm not feeling it anymore. So, as a suggestion, I'd advice you to try and break down your lines

Other thing. As an example, I'll use the second and third lines. As you can see, you pass really quick of themes without a strong connection. You were talking about hurricanes in the sea and now about how the moon makes someone sad. This could be easily fixed with stanzas, for an instance. If you separated the ideas by stanzas and connect them with the last lines of the previous stanzas, it'll flow better. The line 'I don't pity the fool' sounds so dislocated between all this. Disconnected.

Punctuation side note: take out those somewhat ellipses (...).

Overall, I really liked this idea with the very good imagery and comparisons, but it got very confused and to be honest to you I haven't got a very clear idea of what it's about. It may be my judgement only, don't forget As above, those were all just suggestions and ways I thought that might help you with your poem, so don't feel obliged to use any.

Thanks for posting! And PM if you have any questions ^.^
- Kat

Thanks for the advice! I will see about working on it :)

Greetings, Janay! I'm Vanadis, and I'll be giving my input; take it or leave it, but here's to hoping it helps some!

I felt it best if I put my comments in the lines of the poem for this review, because I think that otherwise, the review would be quote-spammed.

False hope pours down on you like a rainstorm >I like this line a lot. How it would seem cold, uncomfortable, and overbearing. Nice simile!

For loving without percieving is deadly as the hurricanes deep within the sea >Try changing "perceiving" to "perception." Also, this line is a bit long. I think the best way to fix that would be to use a different simile; hurricanes may not be the best one because although they do a lot of property damage and give people grief, there's plenty of warning so that they're not insanely deadly. "Deep within the sea" makes me think of being underwater, which hurricanes are not. If you want to continue using a natural disaster, fires and twisters are pretty good ones. If you found one simile you wanted to use and kept it to one word, it would fix the length wonderfully. I love the context of this line, though.


The cresant moon fills your heart with sadness >"Crescent." Why does looking at the moon make one sad? Maybe if you added an adjective before "crescent," such as perhaps "lonely." That would explain the sadness.


As you realize what could never be


Why are you such a fool for giving into this- this madness! >The way you break up the sentence (this--this madness!) makes it read a bit choppily. You could use one "this" and keep the exclamation mark (poetic license!) and it would keep that emphasis you were going for while making it easier to read.


This..uncontrolled disaster of disire >"Desire." I'd take out the "..."


I don't pity the fool


Those eyes of his that were once so loving


Are now weapons of mass destruction to your heart, mind, and soul >WMDs. This guy must have done something pretty drastic! Good metaphor.


However, one cannot help what one wants


Perhaps it's like an invisible magnet that pulls one to another over will>I'd just leave this as "Perhaps it's like an invisible magnet." Says the same thing; it's understood that magnets pull.


Or maybe you just couldn't see the trap beneath your feet >I like the way you say that wanting something you can't have may either be inevitable, or your own fault for not being more careful. (I think that's about what you mean. Correct me if I'm wrong.) It is human nature to wonder these things, and you convey that nicely here.

Some of the lines should be a bit less wordy so that they read more easily; I had to read over the poem a few times before I really got it. I had to do a lot of working out the contexts. The lines should say a lot in a small space. You're already doing a good job with that, so fine tuning it a bit will make it even more awesome.

You use a lot of great examples and imagery in this, supplementing the idea with something for the reader's brain to picture and then contemplate.

So really the only thing it needs is to have some of the wordiness picked out.

I really enjoyed this poem, and I mean that. I really hope to see more from you, and I'm going to go and check out your other works as soon as I can.

Take care and keep writing!
-Vanadis

Janay82 wrote:This..uncontrolled disaster of disire

desire

Janay82 wrote:The cresant moon fills your heart with sadness

crescent

Janay82 wrote:Those eyes of his, once so loving
Now tearing away at your heart, mind, and soul
However, one cannot help what one wants
Perhaps it's an invisible magnet, pulling one to another over will
Or maybe you can't see the trap yawning beneath you

This is an example of how you can shorten your stanzas a little.
Okay, I didn't do such a great job of tearing away the fat, but there you are. A little tweaking and this could be spectacular.
Good idea, pretty good presentation, just work on your meter.
Keep writing,
EMpress

Thanks Vanadis! That was very helpful and I'm glad you liked it :)
Thanks to Empress as well.

Hey there!

Now, one thing I think would be really nice is if you expanded on a couple of lines. The most obvious you be: 'The beautiful night sky fills your heart with sadness '. Thing is, this is a great line, but you don't explain why. Why don't you expand this out, make it a metaphor that lasts a few more lines?

Other than that, it was a nice poem. Well done!

~Amy