The Demon Stirs - Prologue

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Nearly four thousand years ago, a man by the name of Lornath Anageo came to power on the elf-human continent of Paliege. Lornath had been young, charismatic, and ambitious when he rose to his kingship in the largest kingdom of humans, M’ram. He wanted to be remembered.
Elves and humans had lived together in relative peace, with the occasional dispute among territories, but full scale war was unheard of, even the elves’ lengthy lifetimes. Each and every person was equal and seen as such. It was not until Lornath came to power that they realized how different they truly were.
Soon after Lornath grew to adulthood, he had his own parents, the king and queen at the time, murdered in their sleep. Thus, he rose to power along with his enchantingly deadly wife, Rallien Anageo.
The couple ruled from their capital city in M’ram with an iron fist. Curfews were set, organizations disbanded, and any law breakers executed without trial on the spot with the intention to create fear and obedience among the people of M’ram. The queen herself would roam the streets alone in search of ne’er-do-wells, personally slitting the throats of hundreds of potential thieves and murderers.
And yet, their people loved them. The people were convinced that their king and queen wanted the best for them. The streets were safe, taxes high but well used, and they never suffered a famine or drought. Only outsiders could see through the monarchs’ ploy.
All the while that the couple whipped their kingdom into the shape they wanted, they plotted. For three long years, plans between the rulers and their generals were kept secret, aside from those who aided in gathering supplies. Any rumors were disposed of, along with the culprits spreading them.
The armies of M’ram were trained beyond anything seen before, under the noses of Paliege’s other monarchs. War was thrust upon the lands and the end of those three years fateful years.
Unprepared militias fell at his feet as the terrible legend of Lornath spread across the world. He trained his armies to kill uncooperative prisoners without mercy. As the conquest gained momentum, he had millions at his command who tortured and slaughter rebels who dared stand in their way. Archers, swordsmen, spearmen, cavalry, and even the powerful elvish sorcerers were vanquished. Corpses of monarchs were strewn across the continent, even the cooperative kings, queens, and nobles were slain by Lornath and Rallien personally as a show of power.
It appeared that Lornath targeted the elvish more heavily than human. After years of carnage and nearly decimating their population to the brink of extinction, only one free ruler remained. The king whose name had been erased from the pages of history by Lornath’s advisors was determined not to go down without a fight. Live free or die trying.
For twenty-two days the fortress held out, but the armies of Lornath had cut off supply lines and had an endless supply of fresh soldiers while the will and strength of the king’s guardsmen slowly dwindled. The fortress fell, but the king’s dying words would forever resound through the progression of time. Lornath’s conquest of the settled kingdoms of Paliege had taken just over two years. The wild which lay north and south of his territory remained untroubled.
As the last free kingdom on Paliege was conquered, another highly significant even occurred for Lornath in the home he’d been long absent from. On the same day, Lornath’s first son was born. His name was to be Alphaster and was now the heir to Paliege.
Relative peace settled once again over Paliege after the massive casualties suffered everywhere, but the humans and elves began to separate.
Lornath and the once blood thirsty Rallien settled in M’ram, now a capital city, and ruled their magnificent kingdom with an astounding amount of benevolence as they raised their family. They no longer ruled as they used to, having been somewhat softened by their children or exhausted from the war effort. There was speculation regarding the change of heart, but each conclusion was only a rumor.
Several years after Alphaster, Rallien gave birth to twin boys, Luxven and Benthale and another boy, Namik, a few years later. To Lornath’s sadness, Rallien died birthing her one and only daughter, Luna, after Alphaster’s twelfth birthday..
The four boys had inherited their parents’ former thirst for war without the inhibitions and fought each other throughout their entire childhood.
Luna, however, was entirely different. Miraculously, she’d inherited the benevolent sides of Lornath and Rallien. Her devotion to her father was unmatched by her brothers. She had always been a kind and proper girl and by far the broken-hearted Lornath’s favorite child.
Her four older brothers sensed this often from their father and turned their aggression onto her for most of her childhood behind their ever watchful father’s back.
Luna, as her brothers did, took a spouse when she neared womanhood. A young elvish man by the name of Daor Staloria stole her heart.
She had been married a very short time when Paliege’s king took ill. Knowing that a familial war would ensue upon his death, Lornath divided his precious Paliege into five territories. Lornath stayed for the rest of his numbered days in M’ram, the capital of his eldest son’s territory.
On his deathbed, he begged his children to be at peace with one another and care for each other with his dying breath. They each promised tearfully as their beloved father passed.
After his burial, each child of Lornath and Rallien Anageo returned to their own territories.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to repeat it, and Alphaster was never one for the history. Before his brothers and sister had even left his territory, he began to prepare his army with the insane amount of secrecy and swiftness that Lornath and Rallien’s child could possess.
Alphaster’s siblings were naturally suspicious of each other and their spies in Alphaster’s territory alerted them instantaneously.
Luna was horrified at Alphaster’s decision and only wanted to minimize bloodshed within her precious family.
A suggestion was made to her by her husband.
Most elvish people had migrated to the east, divided among several areas. Though Luna’s father had been the ruler in Paliege, the elves had local leaders of their own. She approached them and made her offer – fight with me and my territory is yours at my death. Naturally, the elves were overjoyed.
Fourteen long, bloody years and numerous failed alliances later, territory boundaries changed drastically. Alphaster’s armies had dominated and now possessed the most territory – for humans. Luna’s elves had exceeded all expectations with the promise of one united country and dominated nearly half of Namik, doubling Luna’s territories.
Namik was losing, and losing quickly. Benthale and Luxven had lost land to Alphaster and had compensated by pushing into Luna’s territory, who then compensated by pushing into Namik’s when they couldn’t push back.
Very abruptly, the 2nd Paliegean War was ended in that fourteenth year. Luna, who had regularly participated in the battles as her father had, was struck down in a blind rage by Namik, her own brother.
As she had promised, the elves promptly retreated into their territory, which they named after the miraculous woman who gave them the opportunity by the elvish husband and daughter she had left behind. They wasted no time in setting up border guards and Luna settled into contented isolation.
The four brothers called a meeting to talk of treaties and thus, lasting peace was bestowed upon Paliege once more.
The countries again settled into nearly tensionless society, trade expanded, and only occasional, minor battles ever stirred the waters.
To the humans, it seemed the elves had isolated themselves from the world when the truth was, they had isolated the humans.
The Elves of Luna still maintained prosperous friendships and trade with the fairy people of Yariave, the islands just south and east of them as well as trade with the giants and tarm south of Benthale. Several Luna’s monarchs sent aid to the dragon folk of Dracora who had been locked in a bitter civil war for decades.
Generations came and went, humans coming to believe all other races to be myths and magic entirely stamped out. They led simple, sheltered lives where progress was minimal while Luna flourished.
The gap expanded, but isolation can only last so long, while black demons stir.




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WOW. That was an amazing (if somewhat stereotypical of high fantasy) prologue. I started reading it thinking it would be just another LOTR remake where the two dominant races were elves and humans, who just naturally HAD to battle each other. I did feel that Lornath and Rallien characters felt unrealistic. Going from tyrants to benevolent rulers is a bit of a stretch, as well as the people loving them even though they were killing everyone who so much as sneezed.
snickers94 wrote:slitting the throats of hundreds of potential thieves and murderers.
Killing "potential" thieves sounds to me like murdering hobos because they look suspicious and could "potentially" steal. And I don't think everybody would like high taxes. Apart from that, this story looks very promising, I can't wait to read the first chapter!
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Humans have not always been the superior race to walk this Earth...
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Snickers! Welcome to YWS!

Lornath had been young, charismatic, and ambitious when he rose to his kingship in the largest kingdom of humans, M’ram.


I thought Lornath was an elf. Why would he rule M'ram if it was a human kingdom? Perhaps I had misunderstood something. Are the humans ruled by the elves or not?

Elves and humans had lived together in relative peace, with the occasional dispute among territories, but full scale war was unheard of, even the elves’ lengthy lifetimes.


Uh, another story where elves have tremendous long lives. I suggest trying to stray away from the normal cliched fantasy races and turn the elves into something different. More unlike Tolkien's Middle Earth elves who live forever (or at least have long lives).

Soon after Lornath grew to adulthood, he had his own parents, the king and queen at the time, murdered in their sleep.


How would he have benefited from doing this? I really so no point as he was already king, wasn't he?

The queen herself would roam the streets alone in search of ne’er-do-wells, personally slitting the throats of hundreds of potential thieves and murderers.


The queen herself? What motivation did she have to go about killing innocent people? How would she have known who potential thieves and murderers were? Anyone was possible of doing both those things if the need arose.

War was thrust upon the lands and the end of those three years fateful years.


What do you mean the end of those fateful years? What three years? You also need to nix one of those years.

It appeared that Lornath targeted the elvish more heavily than human.


I still don't know whether Lornath was an elf or a human. And even so, why would he target the elves more than the humans? If he was a human did he find them less superiour than his race...?

The fortress fell, but the king’s dying words would forever resound through the progression of time.


And pray, what are these dying words?

The wild which lay north and south of his territory remained untroubled.


Why? If Lornath wanted that much power and territory, why wouldn't he go for those lands? Who lived there?

Miraculously, she’d inherited the benevolent sides of Lornath and Rallien.


I groaned instantly when I read this part. Another cliche. It's usually always the only daughter or the favourite child who is the kindest and the soft-hearted one. I would try and give slight twist on this cliche too.

Very abruptly, the 2nd Paliegean War was ended in that fourteenth year.


Second not 2nd.

To the humans, it seemed the elves had isolated themselves from the world when the truth was, they had isolated the humans.


How so? How had the elves isolated the humans?

~~~~~~~

You have well thought out world on your hands. Slightly cliched, but I suppose a little cliche is alright :P

I agree with Thajaro with the part where the king and queen suddenly turn into peaceful and kind rulers. It seems a little far fetched and I honestly believe you should put in there why they suddenly had a change of heart from their usual bloodthirsty selves.

There is a little confusion on the relationship between the elves and the humans. Did the humans rule over the elves, or was it the other way around? Did they live with one another in peace before the wars, or had there always been little spiffs between the two races?

It had plenty of potential and most of it is well thought out and explained. I know I didn't catch everything but, keep on writing! I look forward to the next chapter.

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that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

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Yes, I am aware that it's a bit cliched, but I promise that everything will be explained at a later time :). Reasons for everything :wink: . It does continue to be a bit more cliched until about the third chapter, and Lornath is human (which I'll mention when I go back and edit again).
Today I may die by your sword, but the spirit of freedom is one flame not so easily extinguished. ~Drayvin Staloria.




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Oh wow, this prologue was good! When I started reading I thought it might be a really long and complicated story, but it was easily understandable really.

I like the fact that the story isn't just humans and elves, although the other races are just mentionned - for now, I hope -. What I'm wondering is whether or not there will other races than the ones you mentionned...

Anyways, feel free to PM for the rest!
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Hey there! I liked your story a lot; it reminded me of the Lord of the Rings, what with all the elves and such. There semed to be quite a bit of back history given though in such a quick amount of time, that it kind of left me overwhelmed. Is there any way that you could lessen the details and still retain the necessary information? We don't really get a chance to care for any of the characters except for Luna, and then she's killed shortly afterwards.

There were only a couple of things I noticed that stuck out to me...

snickers94 wrote:Nearly four thousand years ago, a man by the name of Lornath Anageo came to power on the elf-human continent of Paliege. Lornath had been young, charismatic, and ambitious when he rose to his kingship in the largest kingdom of humans, M’ram. He wanted to be remembered.


For a starting paragraph, there are a lot of names right here, which for me is overwhelming.

Elves and humans had lived together in relative peace, with the occasional dispute among territories, but full scale war was unheard of, even for? in? the elves’ lengthy lifetimes. Each and every person was equal and seen as such. It was not until Lornath came to power that they realized how different they truly were.
Soon after Lornath grew to adulthood, he had his own parents, the king and queen at the time, murdered in their sleep. Thus, he rose to power along with his enchantingly deadly wife, Rallien Anageo. I love this description of her, it's great!


Okay, I think that's it! I couldn't find anything to really nitpick on, aside from the aforementioned notes. Keep up the great work! :D
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