Black Rose-Chapter 1

I put my earphones on, the music tuned other around me.. The bench in the school bus was uncomfortable. I brought my knees to my chest and hugged them while I gazed outside of the window. The trees were coated with a very thin snow layer, the tree only brown leaving little trace of green in the canopy, the ground also covered in a thin sheet of snow. Some of the fresh growth of grass still peeking out from it, It was the start of winter. I concentrated on finding the left over green in the canopies and on the ground, making a game with it. I was never the social butterfly. It never really mattered whether I talked to others or not, in any case being by myself, was the best for me and for others. I knew by heart I was different. My actions interpret everything without even telling others I was the freak. It got me frustrated even to think about such things. The bus came to a sudden halt. I realized I was at my house and stumbled to throw my c.d. player into my bag quickly; I slung it over my shoulder. All eyes on me as I walked off the bus and of course I trip before the stairs, I could have sworn I heard giggles.
My house was small and sat upon one acre of land, the forest creating a barrier around it. My dad’s black, Honda civic was parked in the drive way as usual. My mom’s white escalade wasn’t there, since she was a nurse she did get called frequently from the hospital. I opened the door to smell the fresh scent of my dad’s dinner cooking. The warmth felt good coming inside from the splinter cold weather.
“Hi, Sala how was school?” he asked, his back towards me as he stirred the sauce to put on the chicken.
“It was fine thanks dad” I kept it short and to the point, I just wanted to get up to my room.
“Are you sure?” He said concerned. He turned around to face me while he wiped his hands on the dish towel.
“Yes, just great Dad!” I put on the best smile I could, but by the looks of it he didn’t buy it.
“Ok, if you say so.” He said. Phew. He let me go. I ran up the stairs and into my room, closing the door slowly behind me. I felt a shiver go down my spine; I could feel the winter’s breath upon my neck. I turned quickly to notice the window open and a book with a note on top resting on my bed. I closed the window quick and grabbed the note off of my bed. As it read:
Dear Miss Selah, I don’t have time to explain myself in a note. I’ll meet you at school near the trashcans on building B.
I stood there holding the note; I couldn’t grasp the understanding of what was going on. I figured a prank for the new girl of course. Then and again, what if it was something serious. The dizziness took a turn on me. I could feel my panic rising inside of me. Fear was the ultimate control of me.

I dashed out the door, just to see the bus arriving at the end of my drive way. The bus’s doors squealed open. I held the book tight to my chest as I swung into one of the seats. I looked at it. The words ‘Black Rose’ read across the top I ran over them lightly with my pointer finger. Afraid to open it, I didn’t know what was inside and I sure didn’t want to find out without talking to whoever wrote me the letter. The whole day in school went by slowly. Anticipating and coming up with my own conclusions on what could happen. I winced at the horrible ideas that went through my mind. A loud buzzing caught me off guard to realize I had zoned out and the bell from my last class of the day, math, went off. I could feel my heart beats gaining up on me. Every pace my feet took was another step closer into meeting whoever it was standing supposedly by the trashcans next to building B. Calm down, Selah I could tell myself that all I wanted but I was smart enough to know that it wasn’t going to work. I could see building B from where I was standing. I slowly started for the area.

Hello, Nice to meet you. This is what I found when reading your chapter the bits in red are my comments ok here goes...

Smileybritt36 wrote:I put my earphones on, the music tuned should you have an 'out' in here others around me..double full stop The bench in the school busdo you really have a bench in a bus, perhaps if you changed this to seat was uncomfortable. I brought my knees to my chest and hugged them while I gazed outside of the window. The trees were coated with a very thin snow layerlayer of snow would sound better, the tree only brownI am confused by this what do you mean only brown? leaving little trace of green in the canopy, the groundwas also covered in a thin sheet of snow. Some of the fresh growth of grass still peeking out from it, It was the start of winter. I concentrated on finding the left over green in the canopies and on the ground, making a game with it. I was never the social butterfly.this is a great phrase It never really mattered whether I talked to others or not, in any case being by myself, was the best for me and for others. I knew by heart I was different. My actions interpret everything without even telling others I was the freak. It got me frustrated even to think about such things. The bus came to a sudden halt. I realized I was at my house and stumbled to throw my c.d. player into my bag quickly; I slung it over my shoulder. All eyes on me as I walked off the bus and of course I trip before the stairs, I could have sworn I heard giggles.
My house was small and sat upon one acre of land, the forest creating a barrier around it. My dad’s black, Honda civic was parked in the drive way as usual. My mom’s white escalade wasn’t there, since she was a nurse she did getif you changed did get to got if would flow better here called frequently from the hospital. I opened the door to smell the fresh scent of my dad’s dinner cooking. The warmth felt good coming inside from the splinter splinter isn't a very good word to use here maybe ice or something cold weather.
“Hi, Sala how was school?” he asked, his back towards me as he stirred the sauce to put on the chicken.
“It was fine thanks dad” I kept it short and to the point, I just wanted to get up to my room.
“Are you sure?” He said concerned. He turned around to face me while he wiped his hands on the dish towel.
“Yes, just great Dad!” I put on the best smile I could, but by the looks of it he didn’t buy it.
“Ok, if you say so.” He said. Phew. He let me go. I ran up the stairs and into my room, closing the door slowly behind me. I felt a shiver go down my spine; I could feel the winter’s breath upon my neck. I turned quickly to notice the window open and a book with a note on top resting on my bed. I closed the window quick ly and grabbed the note off of my bed. As it read:
Dear Miss Selah, I don’t have time to explain myself in a note. I’ll meet you at school near the trashcans on building B.
I stood there holding the note; I couldn’t grasp the understanding ofthis unfortunately dosn't make sense, just a simple I didn't understand what was going on would work better what was going on. I figured a prank for the new girl of course. Then andyou don't need the and here again, what if it was something serious. The dizziness took a turn on me. I could feel my panic rising inside of me. Fear was theagain dosn't make sense fear took ultimate control of me ultimate control of me.

I dashed out the door, just to see the bus arriving at the end of my drive way. The bus’s doors squealed open. I held the book tight to my chest as I swung into one of the seats. I looked at it. The words ‘Black Rose’ read across the top I ran over them lightly with my pointeryou don't need pointer in here, it interuppts the flow finger. you need a subject in here an 'I'Afraid to open it, I didn’t know what was inside and I sure didn’t want to find out without talking to whoever wrote me the letter. The whole day in school went by slowly. Anticipating and coming up with my own conclusions on what could happen. I winced at the horrible ideas that went through my mind. A loud buzzing caught me off guard to this should be and I realisedrealize I had zoned out and the bell from my last class of the day, math, went off. I could feel my heart beats gaining up on me I could feel my heart pounding would work better here. Every pace my feet took was another step closer into meeting whoever it was standing supposedly by the trashcans next to building B. Calm down, Selah I could tell myself that all I wanted but I was smart enough to know that it wasn’t going to work. I could see building B from where I was standing. I slowly started for the area.you don't really need that last sentence or if you do want it change to something like I made my way through the crowd of school kids to the building.

As you can see the bits in red are things you could do with lookin gover also I think you made a few grammatical errors in this chapter which need correcting. Other than this I am intrigued to know what happens to this character and I will be looking out for the next chapter.

Just remember to proof read your work before posting because when you read this back you will realise that some of it just dosnt make sense...

Keep Writing and don't be downhearted you are new to this site like me and you'll soon find out that everyone means well and is really great at helping you improve your writing skills.

I generally agree with Lydia, although I'd like to add a few things. To be honest, I was fairly confused with the last paragraph. You should consider adding more transitions, because it all sounded as though she was still on the bus. I really think you have a great plot here, and hope that you continue. Be sure to read your work from another person's perspective and make sure that it doesn't only make sense to you because you wrote it, but because it makes sense to everyone.

I'm here. :}
Alright, so, here's my things. ^.^

It was very good, but I noticed a few things that kind of distracted me from the story the entire time.

First off: it was a little rushed. It was very short and to the point. It was fast how long she spent on the bus, fast how long she spent in her room, and then suddenly, we were on to the next day. My suggestion: after she finds the book, she spends a little more time troubling over whether she should open it or not. Perhaps at dinner, when her father and her are eating, her father can say something like, "What's bothering you?" and then Sala shakes it off, or tells him the truth: I don't know.

Next: Whose Sala? What's she like? Is she a loner, or simply shy? Is she the new kid in her school, or in the town? Is she suspicious or just terrified when she finds the book? What does Sala look like? How does she dress? What's her best and worst feature? Try to answer these questions throughout the first chapter to help lengthen it and give us some reference as to who she is.

Here's my order on how I reveal things, normally:
Chapter 1- Reveal the character's obvious features--what they look like, their personality, maybe even their friends.
Chapter 2- Reveal a few of the character's less obvious features, but keep a mystery in her: never reveal everything.
Chapter 3- Explain her family. Perhaps you've already brushed on this subject, but explain it more in depth. Is she adopted, or is this her real family? What is her family like? What annoys her most about her family? Etc, etc.
After that, I don't really have a guide. I reveal things slowly with time. You don't have to follow my guide, but keep it in mind when you're itching to write in your first chapter that your main character's from another world. Leave mystery in it.

You did make a great hook, I must admit. I am interested. But I did not like the length. Let me spend the entire end of the day with Sala or, if you'd like to change it more, the entire day. Give me one day to get to know her. Perhaps, if she's new to this school as you implied, we can start on the first day? Show how she was neglected, how people laughed at her as she passed, or maybe tons of classmates tried to become friends? I don't know, whatever you want to do.

Keep in mind that this is your story. You don't have to take any of my suggestions if you don't want to, but I just want to give you some ideas.

Good job Brittney, and contact me if you ever need anything. :}

Love & Blessings,
Soap <3

Good job Britt . You just need to edit it a bit like all ther other people suggested. It's kind of differet than how you described to me earlier though...

well, Crescent or should I say Phoebe..
When your writing a story your thoughts and ideas tend to change when your writing so, oviouslly it changed a bit.

Lol brittney but my name is not Phoebe my name is Sky...

hey,

I liked your plot. Alot. It seemed to be a good idea so far. What I must say was that it went to fast. I got very confused when you put "I dashed ot of door, the bus..." because I thought that it was the same day and she was running out to go to school again. You should have put something like, I set the letter down and lay on my bed, thoughts racing through my head, wondering in anticipation what the next day would bring" or something like that. The next morning on the bus, where did this book come from? You said that it was just a letter, and when she first got on you made it seem like the bus seat had the words Black Rose on it. Nothing very serious other than the fact that your going a bit to fast.

Good Job!


~Jasmine Bells~
Love, Peace, Writing